User:Tojal/HowTo:Get arrested

History

The Great Mao Tse Dong (which will hereafter be referred to as The One) was the first person in history to write an entire book based on factual information to get arrested within one hour of initiating contact with any person bearing any significant authority (see your mother). This book marked the controversial start to the age known as Jerk-ass Revolution where over one hundred billion children were maimed and slaughtered in the following fights between the authoraties and wealthy civilians such as Jack Black and John Romero. In the lasting 5 million years of getting arrested, the average lifespan went down by over fifty years.

Steps to take for guaranteed result

Huffing kittens

Like any great government, your government probably will give you a prison sentance if you discover kitten huffing. This is considered the best approach by acclaimed scientists such as Albert Einstein and Nicolas Cage, and is probably the most awesome way to get stoned arrested.

Getting married to your best friends mother

Although this would most likely cause the opposite effect, it is by far the best choice by proxy.

Stealing change

Unlike the teachings of Trailer Park Boys, stealing change is against the law, and will assure you the benefit pain of ass-molestation by a russian called Ivan.

Molesting children

As the Jerk-ass revolution was in its youth, a new fad hit the street. It was first called "Lollypoppin'" but was later changed to the unrelenting term of "Child-molestation". Child molestation is the act of putting your penis inside the anus, mouth or vagina of a minor. A minor in this term refers to a child under the age of 10, not the musical operator of a note. When molesting a child, it is important to be aware of STD's, even though it may be young, it may also have been molested at an earlier point; candidates may include its uncle, aunt or sibling. Be sure to wear a condom. Known diseases you can catch from molesting children includes; AIDS, Genital Herpes, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Syphilis, Chancroid, Donovanosis, Non-gonococcal urethritis, Staphylococcus aureus, Jock Itch, Yeast Infection (Commonly known as Vaginosis, which will turn you into a big vagina if it is not treated at an early stage), Cytomegalovirus, Hepatitis B., Human papillomavirus, Molluscum, Mononucleosis, Kaposi's sarcoma, Pubic lice, Scabies and Trichomoniasis. The method of approach for molesting children is generally offering some kind of a reward to the child in question, usually residing in a black van. The lure is often set by pretending to be a person which the child trusts, like the Wizard Of Oz, Thomas The Steam Engine or the Tooth Fairy. To make the child unaware of the danger, candy is often offered as a proof of trust. If the child grows suspicious of your intentions, it is best to either use a cloth with chloroform or a solid punch in the face. Once you have captured the child, it is important to get it confined in a space from which it can not escape, like a basement or a warehouse. Once in the basement, you might want to consider lubricants, which is a liquid introduced between two moving surfaces to reduce the friction and wear between them. This is to prevent possible swelling in the childs intestins or vagina. A lubricant may be of the following types :

• Mineral oil (for the experienced)
• Synthetic oil
• Vegetable oil
• Lanolin (water repellant)

As for anything else, the favorite choice of lubricant may vary from individual to individual.

Visiting a foreign country and asking about something in your own non-international language, like german, french or spanish

This will surely get you arrested, if not mauled. In most countries including Norway and Sweden, this wil give you a death penalty. If this is what you want; see suicide

Praying

Contrary to popular belief, prayer has been scientifically proven to promote cancer, but even though cancer itself is not considered publicly offensive or criminal, praying is.

Playing acoustic guitar in social events or in the park

This method is often frowned upon, since usually only douchebags do this. Under the UN-law FC553-EE this act will define you as a war-criminal. If this is what you want to achieve, you are a stupid asshole.

Minor offenses

• Stealing your roomates knickers
• Having anal sexual relations with your roomates knickers
• Soiling said knickers
• Not telling your roommate that you soiled his or her knickers
• Picking a fight with a person from a minority background
• Reaping before sewing
• Hitting two birds with one stone