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en-N This user is a native speaker of English.
se-3 This user is able to contribute with an advanced level of Simple English.
us-P This f****r speaks American English heavily laced with profanity that would make a f*****g a*****e sailor blush from all the g*******d blasphemy.
17-3 This user is able to contribute with an advanced level of 1337.
fr-1 This user is able to contribute with a basic level of Français.
du-0 This user does not understand Dumbass and hates people that speak it because they're all annoying foreigners.

~ Oscar Wilde on Staxeon

If there's any advice I can give to my children, or anyone's children, or the readers of Uncyclopedia (who often think like children, myself included), it would be the following:

Don't Keep Score
He said she said never gets anyone anywhere. There's no point in bringing up an issue or an arguement that happened months ago. Especially when my cheating ex-wife forgets to do the dishes for weeks on end to watch soap operas, then blames me for not participating in the relationship (because I was too unavailable, ie, WORKING). Besides, vengeance is a dish best served in blind surprise, with a blunt object.
Choose Your Battles/Let it Go
What's the point of an arguement that no one will remember 10 minutes later? Only your stress induced heart attack will remember. Especially at the drive-thru. Ok, they gave you barbeque instead of sweet and sour, you caught it, no harm. There's no need to call the manager to the damn window to bitch about it. They make like $5/hour, I mean seriously. Your self-righteous BS is making me late for getting back from lunch.
Who Cares?
Be yourself. High school and all its cliques and trends...I reached an epifany around age 20, I don't give a shit. No, really, I don't care what you think about me. In the end what does it matter? Beyond immediate family, fuck it. And now I've never felt better, better about myself and the people that I associate with. Yeah, I was a nerd, but now I have a great job and no college debt, what did being prom king pay??
Be Aware of Your Surroundings
Sun Tzu teaches that knowing yourself and your opponent is the key to any battle. Eye contact is important, but knowing what else is going on in a room is equally beneficial. Don't keep an eye for detail to impress other people, do it to learn and better yourself. Plus knowing where the security cameras are is always a good idea.
Work Your Ass Off Now
Your youth is slipping away every day. I used to be able to stay up for days on end and not think twice about it, now I completely understand how my Dad could sleep a Sunday afternoon away. Work while you're young and your body is still operational. 2 or 3 jobs if you can. Bust ass, get a 401k, then retire when you're 45 and sleep all you want.
Don't Put Dad in a Home
Dude, that's just cruel. People feel bad about putting their dog in a kennel and you're seriously thinking about this for your progenator? Its cheaper per day to go on a cruise than to be in a nursing home, plus the food is way better, there's entertainment, there's more people to talk to, clean sheets and room cleaned every day, and young girls in bikinis.

Member of the Order

A recurring theme or link started in my articles, Lew's Skool of Spuds n Stuff. Lew is the name of my girlfriend's father, so I'm sure he'd be proud of my using his name in such an honorable manner. I haven't done the page for the Skool yet because I need to finish some photoshops first.

Pages Ottered or Largely Rewritten:

Pages Cuntributed to: