HowTo:Talk to Foreigners

This is a useful skill for all English speakers travelling abroad. The important thing to remember is that all people who live in non-English speaking countries are idiots, which is why they don't speak English. Talking to them can therefore be a challenging task, but after reading this guide you will be an expert on how to patronize and insult foreigners from every country.

Learning a foreign language

This is a useless way to communicate with foreigners. All other languages are inferior to English, and if foreigners don't learn our glorious language it's their fault. You're wasting your effort as all foreign languages include impossible-to-pronounce sounds, unusable writing systems, or a really snooty and obnoxious tutor. Nontheless, you may need to learn another language because of school or work. In this case, speak that language as inaccurately as possible so the foreigner will be forced to talk to you in English.

Three Key Concepts

Speak Louder, not Slower

All foreigners are deaf, so you should speak as loudly as possible. Yell in their faces loudly, it helps with the understanding a lot. Use an amplifier if you really can't get the foreigner to understand you (it's a bonus if you burst their eardrums). Speak as quickly as possible: foreigners have short attention spans so you must tell them what you want before they get distracted. If you are arrested by the local police for harrassment you can tell them that America will nuke their country if they dare to press charges.

Disregard all Rules of Grammar

“Do you know the way to the train station? I'm lost.”

~ Incorrect way of talking to foreigners

“You know way to big hoot! hoot! place? Me lose way.”

~ Correct way of getting the message across to the puny foreign brain

Omit infinitives, prepositions, conjunctions, adjectives, and adverbs from your speech and stick to simple constructions that use only nouns and verbs. Too many words will confuse the tiny foreign brain. When talking about yourself, remember to say "me" instead of "I." Use sound cues such as "Yum!" and "Vroom!" to help with their understanding. If possible, use hand gestures and body movements to help the other person (don't do this when asking for a prostitute though).

Speak with a Heavy Accent

“Tu know ze way to trrain stachion? Je lost.”

~ Asking the way in France

“Foutre le camp, Anglais. Putain d'imbécile. (Yes, second right, then straight ahead.)”

~ French person

Speaking to foreigners in the way they speak English is a perfect way to make yourself understood. For example, when in Germany, speak in with a heavy German accent. In Japan, add desu to the end of every sentence. When trying to talk to a Chinese person, say ching chong every few words. If they give you a friendly kick to the groin, don't take it personally: it's just the charming local custom of assaulting racist foreigners.

Additional

Even English itself can sound like a foreign language.

For Americans in England

Remember that a posh British accent is nine tenths affectation. To affect it properly, pretend you have a ten pound weight attached to your lower lip and a turd under your nose. Alternately, pretend to be flamingly homosexual. It's good to affix "eah" to the end of every appropriate word, as in: "Weah met Ladyeah Welles, and sheah greeted us most cordialleah, and then weah all had teah." Talk about how much you enjoy your tea, how great the metric system is, and how much you love the Queen. Note: it is not wise to do this in Scotland.

For the English in Ameriker

That's right: Ameriker. The key to sounding like a real American is mimicking the protagonist in all your favorite Western films. Make frequent use of words like "ain't" and "durnit." Remember that Americans call "trousers", "pants", and "pants", "underwear" providing you with many an opportunity to make juvenile jokes (i.e., "I can see your pants!"). Important topics of discussion include baseball, animal husbandry, how much you love/hate the President, and Baywatch.

For non-English speaking in English-speaking lands

If you want talk.. with English person of english speaking herritages. You say: "Hello" "How do do you do?" you say then "Please"! English person then say "Hey go home you fucking foreigner" It mean "You are very good, visiting here, we make money of you, so be friend and be boyfriend with me and be a man in bed with me" This = bad. Because it's homosexual (gay) invite. He is a gay. so you stab this man. Really big knife... OK?