Counting
Canadians are only able to count to four.
“How many bloomin' times must i smack you before you understand? (SMACK) One! (SMACK) Two! Two smacks! AH! AH! AH!”
“My man foamie Friday says countin is for wild wussies”
Hey, he only said two kinds of people.
~ Captain Obvious on Anonymous on Counting
A, B, C, D, E, F...
~ Oscar Wilde (on the sly) on Counting
What is counting?[edit | edit source]
Counting is the rare art of imagining, planning, and, finally, reciting random numbers to determine how much of something there is or isn't. Sometimes there is nothing to be counted. If so, counting is generally not carried out, though some revolutionary counters will still insist on counting thusly: "Zero." It is unknown how this torturous act of reciting random numbers helps you find out the quantity of something, but its functionality has been proven many times over in Canada, where they are very clever. Counting requires a liberal, yet conservative, brain, which can usually be bought or sold at your local Wal-Mart for under $5.00, Canadian, so roughly 50 cents. It also requires intimate and delectable knowledge of many (more than -2.231 1/2) cute and remarkable numbers. This knowledge can be downloaded secretly and dangerously here for free!
What are the rules for counting?[edit | edit source]
The only rule for counting is that the number you recite last must equal the quantity of the items you are counting, minus the non-quantity of non-numbers not counted, naturally. This amount can easily be obtained, if carefully considered and planned using number counting asking instruction apps, by asking the person next to you. If the number you recite last does not equal the quantity of the items you are counting, you have counted incorrectly. Let the chips fall where they may. You can't count on it.
What do I do if I realize that I have counted incorrectly?[edit | edit source]
If you count incorrectly, you are officially a moron for 30 seconds. Being a moron is not a good thing because people in your vicinity will start ridiculing you and calling you names like perhaps "moron". Because of this, it is often a good idea to keep your moron status to yourself. Nobody else needs to know you are a moron besides you. Often, your time as a moron can expire without anybody else knowing. Avoiding OMS (Official Moron Status) has many probabilities. Shortly after the dawn of Numerics in 32 B.C., People and makeshift pizza calculators were able to count the quantity of items silently, by monkey ESP, in the confines of their mind as to avoid exploiting their moronic miscounting behavior.
Be sure not to exercise today, or loudly exclaim your counting error, as this will increase your fitness (and your time) as an official moron for another 60 seconds. Monkeys exist for this very reason. Prolonged OMS is also a symptom shortly before having SEHS. Yes.
A brief lesson on how to count[edit | edit source]
WARNING: DO NOT BEGIN WITHOUT A QUICK TRIP TO THE WATER CLOSET. PAUSING THIS PROCESS IS NOT RECOMMENDED. Nuff said, right?
- First of all, make sure you know the quantity of the objects you are counting before you begin. This will prevent you from having to stop in the middle of counting to ask someone how many there are.
- Start by reciting a random number. The standard first number is 1, but that's just so people don't have to start thinking until the second number they recite.
- Continue to recite numbers for as long as you want. If you have a lot of time on your hands, you can waste some of it by reciting an extremely long list of numbers. If your time is limited, 2 or 3 numbers are sufficient. The standard second number is 2, but again, that's just because people are lazy and want a number right off the top of their heads.
- Recite the number you memorized in the first step. If you counted correctly, you will have determined the quantity of the items you were counting.
- Immediately return to the water closet.
- If you want a list of the standard lazy counting numbers, see the List of Whole Numbers.
The History of Counting[edit | edit source]
The useless method now known as counting was invented in Tibet in 194 AD by the great philosopher Nonymous. Nonymous wanted to prove that he could make more useless great works than Anonymous, so he devised a method of finger counting. Nonymous's method involved the slicing off of your own fingers, so it instantaneously became a worldwide hit. The system was even more useless than it is now because nobody had discovered any uses for it. Furthermore, numbers had not been invented yet.
Later, in the 16th century, some smart@$$ ruined the fad by discovering that the method actually had a use. Then, the people had to devise a new way to count, called Revised Counting. The only problem was that nobody could write it down on paper because all of their fingers had been cut off. So they had to wait another 8 years for one of their newborn babies to grow up and learn how to write. Unfortunalely, the poor child turned out to be dyslexic. He wrote the piece of crap anyway, and this method has been used successfully for the last 4 centuries.
A few worthless historians claim counting exists only in the weird brains of monkeys, its true inventors. Go figure!
Origin of the word[edit | edit source]
It is believed that the word "counting" comes from the new English word "counting", which means to count.
Counting from 1 to 3684[edit | edit source]
The simplest way to do this is to just say, "1, 2, 3,684". This is a lot easier as it saves counting.