User:Smellyfoot/Democratic Party
| Democratic Party | |
|---|---|
| |
| Party Chairman | That Guy who screams |
| Senate Leader | Harry Reid |
| House Leader | Nancy Pelosi |
| Founded | 1820s (real), 1792 (pretend) |
| Headquarters | 430 South Capitol Street SE Washington, D.C. 20003 |
| Political ideology | Liberalism, Progressivism, Center-left |
| International affiliation | Yes |
| Color(s) | Blue |
Roosevelt, Truman, Kennedy, Carter, Clinton — these are among the great leaders of the Democratic Party — Presidents of vision who shaped the country's destiny. Currently the leaders of the party are that gambling commissioner from the movie "Casino" and that lady from San Francisco who looks like she had too much botox. They are poised for a glorious victory in the House as long as the Republicans keep sabotaging themselves.
The Democratic Party is one of the two major parties in America politics. Currently, and for much of the last century, it is the Center-Left party, comprising a coalition between Social Progressives, Economic Liberals, Civil Rights Activists, Labor Unions, and college students who don't vote. In general, the party believes in more expansive government (as long as Republicans aren't running it), higher taxes (as long as Republicans are paying them), racial equality (as long as minorities get special consideration) and an egalitarian society (as long as elite academics get to decide what that means). The party is also associated with legal abortion, environmentalism, and entitlement programs, which just aren't that easy to make stupid quips about.
History[edit | edit source]
The Other Republican Party: 1792-1824[edit | edit source]
In an attempt to be incredibly confusing, the Democratic Party traces its origin to the Republican Party — but not that Republican Party — founded by Thomas Jefferson in the 1790s in order oppose Alexander Hamilton and the Federalists. The party's first Vice-President Aaron Burr particularly opposed Alexander Hamilton. The party was named after Jefferson's "republican ideal" and favored a government of the people, an agrarian economy, and State's rights. In later incarnations this meant, "good ol' boys hangin' round the plantation rapin' slaves."
The Democratic-Republican party (another name we use just to confuse you even more) also supported France in foreign policy decisions — and they got just as much shit about it as the Democrats do now. Jefferson and his party were generally optimistic about the French Revolution, mainly because they didn't like cake. The XYZ Affair, a diplomatic dispute in which the hard-to-spell names of the French participants were changed to letters that the Americans could spell, made this position more difficult to maintain, and when the French Revolution spiraled into a chaos that can only be termed "frenchiness" the party abandoned its France policy.
By the end of the War of 1812, the Federalists, who had opposed the war, were no longer a serious rival to the party. Then, as now, claims that the Republicans were chicken-hawks, failed to stick, though the less popular insult tur-ducken resulted in a delicious American entree. Faced with victory, the Republicans had no choice but to split into rival factions.
Democratic Jackassery and Ideological Hair Loss: 1828-1854[edit | edit source]
The dominant faction of the schismatic Republican Party became known as the Democratic Party, and was lead by the punnably-named Andrew Jackson and noted "total dick" Martin Van Buren. Jackson was noted for his authoritarian governing style and for marrying a woman who was still married to another man, which provided for the first in a long line of attacks on the morals of Democratic Presidents. Jackson was nicknamed "Old Hickory," something that we can only assume is dirty.
The Democratic party was opposed by the other major faction of the original Republican Party, the Wigs, who had Samson-like political resolve. The Democrats maintained a complex coalition and thus had difficulty retaining a hold on the presidency more that half the time, even though their opponents lacked any national message and usually died in office. Following Jackson and Van Buren's presidencies, the Democratic Party's greatest successes in this period came when they first Poked, then Pierced the electorate's soft underflesh.
In 1848, the Democratic vote was split by Martin Van Buren's new Free Soil Party, the precursor to the Republican Party — yes, that Republican Party this time.
Civil War and Reconstruction: 1854-1877[edit | edit source]
Following the Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854, which is the last time anyone can remember caring about Kansas or Nebraska, the Democratic party found itself aligned into two increasingly uneasy factions, Southern Democrats led by the spritely James Buchanan and Northern Democrats led by Stephen Douglas. The two factions were cemented together by Doughfaced Northerners who would say they supported slavery when in the South and distance themselves from that position when in the North — the original flip-floppery.
In 1856 Buchanan was elected President, but when Douglas ran in 1860, the South refused to support him, claiming that while he was pro-slavery, he wasn't pro-slavery enough. As a result Republican Abraham Lincoln was elected on a unity ticket and the Civil War began. But since the Civil War is boring, we'll skip it.
Following Lincoln's death, his Democratic Vice-President became President. Unhappy with him, Radical Republicans in Congress impeached Johnson, but failed to remove him from office. Following this embarrassing failure, Republicans vowed never again to impeach a Democratic President unless a blow-job was involved.
Following their humiliating defeat at the hands of the Republican-led Union, Southern whites almost universally voted Democrat, setting a trend of whiny losers voting Democrat. Once Reconstruction ended and blacks were prevented from voting the South voted reliably Democrat for 100 years.
The Gilded Age: 1877-1896[edit | edit source]
During this period the party was dominated by the Bourbon Democrats who remained competitive in the Congress but elected only one Democratic President between the Civil War and the 20th century. That President was Grover Cleveland. There is only one joke about President Cleveland, and it must be told non-consecutively.
In 1896 the Bourbon Democrats, who supported low taxes and business while opposing imperialism and corruption, lost control of the party to William Jennings Bryan, the crazy dude from Inherit the Wind.
Lying in Bed Like Bryan & Wilson Did: 1896-1932[edit | edit source]
In 1896 and 1900, William Jennings Bryan secured the Democratic nomination, losing both times to William McKinley, before finally backing Woodrow Wilson's progressive candidacy in 1912. Wilson passed anti-trust laws, an income tax, child labor laws and instituted the 8-hour day. Finally, someone in this article that actually sounds like a real democrat. Oh, and he also dropped the Democratic party's opposition to imperialism and believed in spreading democracy abroad through force. Well, better luck time, I promise you.
During World War I, Wilson "kept us out of war" before deciding "what the hell, let's kick some German ass!" Following this he wrote much of the Treaty of Versailles, resolving the war in a way that would not come back to bite us in the ass.
The New Deal (back when it was new): 1933-1945[edit | edit source]
Following Wilson, Republicans again regained control of the Presidency. Only when the American public rebelled against Hoover, who sucked more than any other in recent history, did Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt come to power. In Roosevelt's record four terms — two more than anyone else you power-hungry man — he redefined both his party and American politics in general. Roosevelt's major accomplishment was his New Deal a series of programs designed to ease and end the Great Depression. Also dubbed "The War on Poverty" Roosevelt's programs were as successful as today's "WAr on Drugs" and "War on Terror." The Great Depression was finally ended by the more effective "War on Germany."
During his term, Roosevelt was opposed by members of his own party, particularly in response to his "court-packing" scheme. When Roosevelt attempting to increase the size of the Supreme Court above 9 in order to add his own appointees, even his own Vice-President rebelled. A coalition of Republicans and conservative Democrats rallied behind the call, "More than Nine will mess up the Supreme Court baseball game!" Roosevelt went as far as to campaign against several of his Democratic opponents, but they were all re-elected.
Reaction to Roosevelt's New Deal forms the basis for the modern words Liberal, now meaning "liberal with other people's money," and Conservative, now meaning "change is good, until the 1930s, then it's bad."
To Err is Truman but To Forgive is not the Mason-Dixon Line: 1945-68[edit | edit source]
After the death of FDR, new president, Harry S. Truman faced a party that was fracturing. Undeterred, he simply cast off both his critics on the left who opposed his anti-Communist stances as well as Strom Thurmond and his Dixiecrats.
As a result the party lost the Presidency in 1952 to war hero Dwight D. Eisenhower, and the Congressional Democrats were left holding their Johnson. John F. Kennedy regained the executive for the Democrats and continued to pursue a liberal agenda with emphasis on Civil Rights.
After Kennedy's death, Johnson continued these policies, effectively casting off the old Southern Democrats and kicking them repeatedly. It was good times. Except that a lot of prominent Democrats were assassinated, but you know, omelets, eggs, that sort of thing.
But like all College student drug experiments, these happy times had to come to an end. That end was Vietnam, a war that polarized a nation, angered the party's Anti-War Wing, and whose only positive effect for the party was three Purple Hearts awarded to a man who would one day rise to the challenge of losing to an unpopular Republican president.
1969-1992: The Democrats get Peanuts[edit | edit source]
As a result of the war, Republican former-VP Richard Nixon ascended to the presidency. The high-profile Watergate corruption scandal forced Nixon to resign, however, and in 1976, country bumpkin Jimmy Carter rode a wave of anger at Watergate to defeat Nixon's Vice President Gerald Ford. Four years later, however, the American public decided that it hated incompetence just as much as corruption, electing Ronald Reagan and ushering in 12 more years of republican control.
