User:Martorano/The Golden Girls
“Their antics amuse me.”
The Golden Girls was an American sitcom and bestselling PS3 game that first debuted in 1957 on Lifetime, television for...oh, what are those things called? With the boobs and cunts? Women! Thank you. Television for women.
Beginnings[edit | edit source]
The show was created by your ass or a hole in the ground, who had also created the sitcoms Charles in Charge and My Father's Anus.
The premise of the show was four older women living together in Miami. Blanche, a whore, owned the house; Dorothy, a female-to-male transsexual, and Rose, a retarded woman, were her roommates. Blanche, Rose and Dorothy were later joined by Dorothy's mother, an old Wop named Sophia, when Sophia's retirement home was burned down by Mel Gibson while filming a scene from his movie Sugartits 2: Let's Dance.
The show starred Bea Arthur as Dorothy Zbornak, who could fly and shoot lasers from her eyes; Betty White as Rose Nylund, who had been partially aborted before birth and once again shortly after; Rue McClanahan as Blanche Devereaux, a former Viet Cong prostitute, Vegas showgirl and Subway sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich; and Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy's mother, lover, and crime-fighting partner. In many episodes, the ladies ate cheesecake at the kitchen table as they talked about the other times they sat around eating cheesecake and talking about cheesecake.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Dorothy Zbornak[edit | edit source]
Dorothy Zbornak was born Richard E. Pooter in Milan on December 45, 1923. Richard knew from an early age that he was different from the other boys, and not just because of the second, smaller head that hung, dead and useless, from his neck. When he was sixteen he slowly ground off his penis with a cheese grater in the traditional manner, and shortly thereafter he changed his name to Dorothy Zbornak, after Zbornak Khang, High Priest of Quirxion-7 in the Rebulon Nebula. Dorothy moved to America, where she worked as a janitor and, briefly, as a Bea Arthur impersonator. Her husband, Staan, left her for a much younger flight attendant, and after being acquitted for their grisly murder (her attorneys successfully argued that the knife had slipped and stabbed both Stan and his hot, luscious young bride seventy times about the face, chest, neck and head) she moved to Miami.
Dorothy was played by Bea Arthur for all 447 seasons in which her character appeared
Rose Nylund[edit | edit source]
As an infant, Rose Nylund was discovered in a dumpster by homeless person and former circus clown Greg "Pussyhair" Nylund, who took her in as his own. After graduating in the top of her class at LaKeisha's Skool of Beauty and Hair Braiding, Rose quickly found work as a receptionist in the East Tower of the World Trade Center, where she was horribly disfigured in one of the biggest tragedies in United States history. After receiving a hefty settlement paycheck, Rose moved to Miami, where she met the other withered old crones.
Blanche Devereaux[edit | edit source]
Blanche Devereaux was a filthy, disgusting, atrocious degenerate, a godless trollop and world-class slut who delighted in having wild, anonymous sex with men of many different races and species. She caught venereal diseases as if she were playing Pokemon: "gotta catch 'em all!" Blanche was originally from Georgia, where she lived on a plantation with a mysterious man known only as "Big Daddy", later discovered to be a shitty Adam Sandler movie.
Sophia Petrillo[edit | edit source]
Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy's mother, was the oldest and, allegedly, wisest of the women. She demonstrated her wisdom by getting the wacky gang lost in Harlem in season six opener "Niggas In Da Hood" and by impaling herself on a Level 55 Blood Sword in the episode "Dorothy Comes Out." Estelle Getty played Sophia in all but one episode, where she was replaced by Owen Wilsons nose with a scrotum sticky taped to the side of it. Estelle was born in Italy, where she lived until she was old enough to buy a boat ticket to America (which she paid for with nature's credit card.)
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Burt Reynolds was originally cast as Dorothy, but because the producers felt he wasn't masculine enough for the role, it went to Bea Arthur instead.
- In the forty-fifth season finale "Robopussy XII", Rose slips on a used condom and falls down a flight of stone stairs, breaking her neck. Because Betty White insisted on performing all her own stunts, she was sadly killed during the filming of this episode, and for the rest of the series her character was crudely animated in Korea and digitally painted into the show.
- The character of Blanche only speaks once during the entire series, in the landmark 893rd episode, when she spits a wad of semen out of her mouth to spout Dorothy's popular catch-phrase: "You're stepping on my cunt."
- Barbara Bush guest-starred twice on the show; once as herself, and again playing Vorton, a superhuman warrior from beneath the sea.
Notable Episodes[edit | edit source]
- Dorothy Gets An Anal Probe The pilot episode featured the "girls" (yeah-- fifty years ago!) meeting and moving in together. It also features a young Fred Phelps as Coco, the gay houseboy.
- The Price Is Tight During a dream sequence, Sophia repeatedly rapes Bob Barker in one of television's most graphic (and hilarious!) depictions of forced sodomy.
- The Price Is Tight, Part II In the season 28 finale, Sophia, once again, returns to "The Price is Right" and havoc soon ensues as she shoves the Plinko stick halfway up Bob Barker's rear-sector, and uses his penis to stop the Big Wheel from spinning. During the playing of her pricing game, Coming or Going, Bob asks whether she knows if she's coming or going. Sophia replies "Bob, I'm coming... I said I'm coming, coming, commmmmmmming! Oh God, YES! I'm fucking COMING! Oh... Ahhhh... Ahhhh... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BOB! I'M COMING, YES YES YES YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! In the end, Sophia wins a copy of "The Joy of Sex" and an antique replica of Dick Clark's penis.
- The Legend of Melba Rose's great-grandfather Lars von Hügenbügen leaves her his Melba Toast factory in his will. Hilarity ensues when the girls discover it's run by 6-year old Thai children!
- God In a very special episode directed by experimental filmmaker Harmony Korine, Dorothy sees the face of God in a bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal. Convinced that she is the Chosen One, Dorothy embarks on a quest to find six golden Power Gems scattered across the globe. This Emmy-winning episode featured the voice of Roger Ebert as cranky Supreme Court justice Reverend Jake Hamburger.
- True Confessions of Blanche Devereaux This Golden Globe-winning episode featured a startling revelation about Blanche. She is revealed to be a shapeshifting nymphomatic alien from the planet Xersius. Her mission was to cum to earth (literally) and have sex with Earth's men, infecting them with her sticky virus. Her shapeshifting ablitity allowed her to mold herself to the desire of every man. This explained why she was so promiscuous. She engages in a battle royale with Dorothy in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on an abandoned oil rig. Dorothy appears to be killed in one of the final scenes, felled by Blanche's Level 7 Fireball Spell, but Vorton, played by Barbara Bush, appears and blasts Blanche with her Dragonbreath. Blanche is forced to return to her homeworld, and Whoppi Goldberg voices the character throughout the rest of the show's run.
Notable Guest Stars[edit | edit source]
Prior to The Simpsons, "The Golden Girls" was a favorite stop on the road to obscurity for many 80's has-beens. Many real celebrities also appeared on the show, including:
- Phil Collins as diabolical assassin Rita Taco.
- Jenna Jameson as Gandalf.
- Bill Cosby as his Cosby Show character, murderous cannibal Benjamin Poog.
- Michael Richards as Heesa Nigur, Blanche's long-lost cousin.
- Jessica Simpson as Dorothy's daughter.
- Hugh Hefner as the guy Sophia ran over & killed with her Pontiac Bonneville.
- Angela Lansbury as a T-1000 sent back through time to kill Dorothy
- Dave Brubeck as Rose's retarded friend from Saint Olaf.
The Series Finale[edit | edit source]
In the final episode, Blanche reveals that she is actually a dingleberry hanging off the fat, dimpled ass of Rosie O'Donnell. Dorothy and Rose become lovers, move to Africa and adopt a Cambodian baby, and Sophia is sent back to the nursing home, where she dies cold and alone.
Golden Girls: The Animated Adventures[edit | edit source]
- In 2003, Cartoon Network's adult swim produced an animated version called "Golden Girls: The Animated Adventures." Bea Arthur, Betty White and Estelle Getty reprised their roles; however, in an effort to attract a younger audience, Blanche was voiced by Icelandic pop star Bjork. The series was canceled after only one episode.