User:Feebas factor/Naruto Original

Naruto Original

"Dude! We're ninjas! We graduated Ninja Tech!"

Naruto (ドラゴンの球z ) is an unsuccessful anime series by Junichiro Koizumi and a part of the final phase of project anime. It stars an aspiring ninja by the name of Smoochina Sausage, avid slicer of wrists and fan of My Chemical Romance, and his two teammates, Whirly Swirlamagig and Haruno Whatsherface. Having lost the draft for the plot of this series three days prior to his deadline, Koizumi resorted to desperate measures and generated it from scratch by taking the script for J.K.R. Tolkien's Harry Potter series, replacing all the wizards with ninjas, shredding it into pieces and randomly drawing plot threads and characterisation points in order. This choice seems to have been purely arbitrary- only God knows how differently things would have turned out had he decided to use the script for Bob the Builder instead.

Explode! Dive!! And more vaguely action-oriented verbs followed by superfluous exclamation marks and flashbacks!!! It's the Naruto Plot, BELIEVE IT!!![edit | edit source]

WARNING: Attacks in battle are farther then they appear.

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.

This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Dimentio was manipulating everything from behind the scenes so he could claim the Chaos Heart and use it to become all-powerful, Trinity and Neo die, Wallace is the were-rabbit, Archimonde is killed at the last second by a Wisp rush, Tony gets shot by Chino and dies in Maria's arms, Neo gets turned into a Smith shortly after causing a reaction that causes all the Smiths to die, thus, he dies, frankly, my dear, Clark Gable doesn't give a damn, Ben elopes with Mrs. Robinson's daughter during her wedding, Lefty never arrives because he's dead, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

Fake bootleg international editions have led some amateur fans to believe the series follows the trials and tribulations of some guy by the name of "Uzumaki Naruto", a teenage ninja who wants to become a ninja in Cojona, the village of leaf fires. However, the true original versions feature nothing of the sort, and instead focus on Smoochiha Sausage, a dark-haired boy with a dark soul bent on killing his brother, Hibachi. Also at the focus of the story are Haruno Whatsherface, a pink-haired blonde with a crush on Sausage, and Sausage's rival, Swirlamagig, who keeps raving on about the coming of the "Hok Age" except nobody ever listens to him, because they are too busy marvelling at Sausage's tortured soul. The three pre-teens are involved in a love triangle in which Swirlamagig likes Whatsherface, Whatsherface likes Sausage, and Sausage probably likes Swirlamagig (at one scene, he cleverly manipulates the social dynamics of the entire class to result in Swirlamagig being pushed on him, resulting in a kiss; in another quite touching scene, he demonstrates his undying affection by deciding at the last minute not to kill him).

Cojona, which is where most of the story takes place, is the hidden city of dusty leaves - one of five such cities all well-known for their lack of distinction and generic landscape. The ninja of the hidden villages are hired as mercenaries to suit the petty purposes of those with enough cash; this usually involves ninjas fighting other ninjas, and thus necessitates the training of twelve-year-old children to become emotionless tools of death. The result is that Ninja culture has assimilated all other normal culture in the known world, and the place is full of fully armed teenagers throwing explosives and stabbing each other with sharp objects (compare middle east).

Twelve years before the events at the focus of the series, one of the residents of Cojona made a fatal mistake: he allowed a fire stone to touch his pet Vulpix. The Vulpix, of course, immediately mutated into a gigantic, malevolent Ninetales, wreaking havoc in the village and killing many of its residents. The Ninetales' special attack rating was truly beyond decent; it roared, flattened mountains, raised tidal waves, kidnapped women in their twenties and climbed with them to the top of buildings while resisting heavy helicopter fire, etc. etc., until Numbuh Four, on a special mission from the Kids Next Door to retrieve gear from the village so they would be able to dress up as ninjas for Hallowe'en, managed to take advantage of the Ninetales' low defense rating and seal it with a secret Ninjutsu (probably to be revealed at the launch of Pokemon Diamond and Pearl), sacrificing his life in the process out of undying love for Numbuh Three (it has been theorised that Whirly is in fact their love child from the future, which would certainly explain a lot). Numbuh Four wanted the people of the village to remember Whirly as a hero, since acting pretty much as a container for garbage that cannot otherwise be disposed of should obviously make one the subject of utmost reverence. Surprisingly they did not.

Naruto doesn't maintain any sort of balance whatsoever, and actually, people are still wondering exactly why it is named "Naruto" in the first place. It follows Sausage and his friends as they develop new and more elaborate techniques to kill people, which are necessary for their survival because just throwing shurikens or kunais never, ever works; it also capitalizes on the fact that apparently in Cojona you must have a traumatic childhood to sign up for being a teenager, and the inhumane ordeals the characters have gone through to attain teenage hood. Sausage gets stuck with two people he couldn't care less about, Whirly and Whatsherface, but they aren't really important and serve mainly for filling purposes when the author doesn't feel like advancing the main storyline: Sausage's ambition to exact vengeance upon his brother, Hibachi. Subplots are sometimes adopted to augment this fundamental pillar of plot, but are dropped without second notice. I mean, who cares about all that other stuff anyway.

What?! Exposition Already?! The Main Characters Gather!!![edit | edit source]

Clash of the Super Main Characters! Team 13.2 goes Wild One Hour Special!![edit | edit source]

Locked in a vicious love triangle and a forever-ongoing mission to recover Scarecrow's lost brain, Team 13.2 is essentially an assembly of people from dysfunctional families who had come together to form another sort of family. Ideally. However, Sausage's betrayal has screwed it up completely, possibly rendering the ambient dysfunctionality levels worse than they were to begin with. It is named team 13.2 after the average number of times Whatsherface utters "Sausage-Kun" per minute (SKpM). Mercifully, since Sausage has gone to Lord Voldemort in search of power, the "13.2" is no longer applicable and the remaining three members are just sorta known as "That team over there" nowadays.

Scarecrow - Some guy addicted to gay porn, who managed, in a freak, hentai-related accident years earlier, to lose both his brain and his left eye. Although he quickly managed to lay a hand on a spare eye by arranging for the death of one of his teammates, he never quite figured out a method to restore his brain and has been searching for the legendary Wizard of Oz ever since. Fortunately for him, though this disability renders him mostly incapable of speech, not constantly pouring forth a torrent of idiotic shit from the mouth is often regarded, in Cojona, as a sign of unrivaled genius. His implanted eye suffers from severe internal bleeding and infections, causing it to appear very red with spots of black here and there, but due to mental instability he is absolutely certain that this is because God has blessed his eye allowing him to see the future, nullify nearby explosions by sending them to King Kai's Planet, and make stuff explode by staring at it. He also likes to read cheap adult graphic novels while fighting, as it helps him fantasize what his opponent would look like if they were naked. Unfortunately this immersion often leads him to confuse the novel's reality with his own, and this has led to several unfortunate events involving the children of Cojona who were tragically put under his care. He is known to be one of the only two people to ever become an ANBU and live.

Smoochiha Sausage - The arrogant, even-minded sole survivor of the formerly powerful Smoochiha Sausage Stand Corporation -- which was brought to its knees and the verge of bankruptcy by Hibachi, his evil brother. Sausage is the main character of the series, although a fringe cult of deluded Swirlamagig fans claims otherwise. His ambition is avenging and resurrecting his fallen clan, or in more blunt terms, killing Hibachi and getting laid. Sausage is overall a very talented ninja and has even inherited the Smoochiha's powerful genetic ability, Shenanigans, but his unrelenting fixation on gaining even more power has led him to defect from Cojona village to seek guidance from Lord Voldemort, gaining odd duck-like wings and lipstick in the process. Only character not to be rendered obsolete by Whatsherface. Is also emo. In the horribly mangled bootleg copies his name was hilariously mistranslated as "Uchiha Sasuke".

Swirlamagig Whirly - By any and all reasonable criteria that could possibly be applied, Whirly is the suckiest ninja ever. Seriously, nothing useful comes from this kid. He is Sausage's teammate and rival, and doesn't really compare to Sausage even when he releases the terrible, hidden, above-average, special attack rating of the Ninetales sealed within him, which often causes severe nasal trauma and bleeding from the eye sockets. He idolizes the late Numbuh Four and has deluded dreams to someday take over the village, bringing about the Fourth Hok Age. Aside from his infamous ramen addiction, Whirly is renowned for his distinctive fighting style:
1. Charge in blindly from the front without any use of strategy whatsoever. Get pwned. (Wield a pointy weapon for bonus points.)
2. Attempt a technique from the vast accessible repertoire of approximately five, out of which three are of any conceivable use. Completly ignore the context of the situation and the probability that the enemy just might be omg fast and omg strong and possessing of a cheesy secret ability that the attack will only serve as a cannon fodder stage for the demonstration of. Get pwned.
3. Duplicate self to myriad copies. Have each copy individually attempt steps 1 and 2. Get pwned.
4. (Optional) Duplicate self into myriad copies, and stand there doing absolutely nothing while the bad guy picks them off one by one with balls of lightning or bone swords. Then actually wonder why it didn't work.
5. Continue getting pwned.
6. Have a tear-jerking emotional flashback.
7. Repeat steps 5 and 6 while inside tear-jerking emotional flashback.
8. Have the very disorienting recursive loop mercifully terminated by opponent countering with their own tear-jerking emotional flashback.
9. Construct a plan so flabbergastingly dumb as to morph with the very simple action of finding the enemy to, by purely semantic logic, leave them dumbfounded.
10. Attempt that jutsu. Sucky enemy eliminated DC-14, non-sucky enemy eliminated on a natural 20. Previous emotional flashbacks lend a cumulative +1 bonus.
11. (Previously) Yaaaargggggh. Get angry, have eyes turn red, grow fangs, shout out in agony and despair, grow tail and red fur. Charge in. Unless you are either fighting Bebi Vegeta or are still in 2003 and in the midst of the chunin exam arc, get pwned.
12. (Currently) Recall the damages of going all Yaaaaaargh. Refuse to go all yaaaarrggh. Pursue alternative source of power via training. Until that is accomplished, get pwned. Repeatedly.

Haruno Whatsherface- Little is known about the mysterious Whatsherface. Nobody has ever met her family, her childhood is smoke and mirrors, and most suspiciously of all, she appears to have no background, distinctive personality quirks, or childhood trauma whatsoever. How she outwitted the Cojona bureaucracy and managed to become a teenager despite this is hotly debated among fans. She's obviously in love with Sausage but has, in recent manga chapters, said something which can be interpreted to mean she's starting to have romantic feelings for Swirly, so now fans are going to be confused until, well, basically until Koizumi feels like it. In two years of arduous training whatsherface has developed Smashy Smashy no Jutsu, a terribly intricate technique of supreme strategic prowess consisting of punching stuff really hard, usually causing it to break. When she gets angry her hormones lose control and her PMS is formed as a seperate entity in her mind. Most notably, Haruno Whatsherface emerged from relative non-importance and obscurity to a state where her ambivalent romantic feelings and angst have all but swallowed the series whole and rendered most other characters redundant.

Psy - An underling sent to infiltrate That Team Over There on behalf of a generation-old fascist conspiracy within the village, codename "Psy" - nobody cares about his real name - is essentially like Sausage with a transmogrified personality and a belly shirt. Unlike angsty teenagers who merely whine about how they have no social skills, Psy really does not, in fact, have any social skills, as instead of actual experience his fascist superiors forced him to get acquainted with the subject by reading the FAQ. Psy's main weapon is the deadly art of insult swordfighting, and though he isn't that great at it it still gives him an edge over the clueless, witless people of Cojona. Example: