User:Bob the Wikipedian/Granada

“Take me home, oh Muddah, Fadduh!”

~ Amilcare Ponchielli on Camp Granada

Granada is a summer camp made popular by a hip-hop song by the Italian decomposer Amilcare Ponchielli. Some people have mistaken this camp for a country, but it is in fact located within the city limits of Kansas.

Weather

Camp Granada is located in an in-city rainforest, so it never stops raining. The best Camp Grenadiers don't let it spoil their fun, though.

Wildlife

The camp runs rampant with aligators, poison ivy, and malaria-carrying mosquitoes. Either brown or black bears have been sighted, but it was night, so know one knows. A man eating gummy bear has definitely been sighted, and the occasional giant panda is imported by Chinese campers.

Ponchielli and his case of ursiphagophobia

In his song, Ponchielli expresses a fear of being eaten by a bear, a common condition in China known as ursiphagophobia. It is well known that bears are carnivores, but many bears do not know this. For example, someone forgot to tell this to the giant panda. It eats shoots and leaves. This bear is famous for showing up at Chinese pubs for a meal, which it follows with a demonstration to show it is the quickest draw and sharpest shooter. Once its victim is killed, rather than eating it, it escapes the scene of the crime. It is bears like the giant panda which stir the irrational fear in Chinese citizens of being eaten by a bear.

Normally, ursiphagophobia is only displayed in Chinese individuals, as most other people have an actual reason to fear being eaten by a bear. Black bears, brown bears, polar bears, teddy bears, and gummy bears are well aware of their carnivorous nature, making any fear of being eaten by a bear instilled in any non-Chinese individual a perfectly normal state-- not a phobia at all. It is very rare for a child at summer camp to have an irrational fear of being eaten by a bear as opposed to a perfectly legit fear of the same thing. Ponchielli's case, however, is in fact a rare non-Chinese case of ursiphagophobia. This is because Ponchielli was raised in an environment where panda slavery was typical and wild bears were uncommon. Ponchielli was used to seeing pandas eating, shooting, and leaving, but he had always feared the panda might get hungry on the way out of the pub and eat him.

Activites

Camp Granada is popular because one of the wildlife survival skills taught is the manufacturing of grenades. Youth who sign up for camp are taught within a three-week period how to do the following:

• Build a hand grenade from a pine cone, flint, and stone
• Build a hand grenade from a pine cone, flint, and no stone
• Build a hand grenade from a pine cone, no flint, and no stone
• Build an antimatter hand grenade

Additionally, the following seminars are offered:

• The lost art of origami grenades
• Identifying grenades in the wild and protecting yourself from them
• How to identify a bear that wants to eat you
• Ballet
• Sailing

Games played during the course of the three weeks include:

• Grenade toss - Two people stand facing each other. One tosses the grenade to the other. Once caught, each player takes a step backward and tosses it back. The object is to see how far away you can toss and catch the grenade without it exploding, and when it explodes, to not be on the receiving end.

• Rock, paper, scissors, grenade - Rock beats scissors, paper beats rock, scissors beat paper, grenade beats all.

• Duck, duck, grenade - Players sit in a circle. One player, designated the hit man, taps players on the shoulder as he walks around the perimeter, saying "duck" as he taps each player. Eventually, he says "grenade!" instead of "duck", and the last player tapped gets up and chases the player with his grenade.

• Grenade freeze tag - Much easier than normal freeze tag, the person who is it throws grenades at the players who are not it. Not it players are permitted to administer first aid to those who have been hit. The object is for the person who is it to be the last man standing.

• Hot grenade - The pin is pulled from a grenade, and players pass it around in a circle, chanting "hot grenade, hot grenade, 1, 2, 3". The last person holding the grenade when it blows up is out.

• Panda combat - This is a drinking game that is not endorsed by Camp Granada. In fact, it is discouraged, and participants are asked to leave immediately if caught participating. Youth gather in a pub, wait for a panda (brought along by a Chinese summer camp kid, of course), and throw grenades at him. The object is to blow up the panda before it eats shoots and leaves. This game involves guns, so it is considered more dangerous than the others.