Pine cones

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This pine cone is better than <insert name here> in every way.
Pine cones are great enigmas, they sometimes end up in baskets as decorations. It is a mystery as great as say, missing socks.

Professor deGrading, a featured author of Running in Hamster Wheels magazine

Pine cones. Yes, I know them well...I have written many a paper on them for Running in Hamster Wheels. Very difficult stuff to research.

Oscar Wilde on Pine cones.

I..uhh..once saw a..uh..pinecone on my front yard..uh.. I told.. uhh. The guys in suits to get rid of it, because uh.. It's a threat to national security.

Barack Obama

Pine cones are probably one of the best things you could ever ask for. You can smack people with 'em, bury 'em and grow a tall thing that will give you more pine cones, put them in random places because pine cones are one of the most random things ever, dress 'em up as stuff like in the picture below, put 'em in toilets because of their shape (which will not be mentioned here), put 'em in your friend's house in random places, like the snack food cabinet, place them under your friend when he is about to sit down, or you can keep them as your friend. They will love you. Pine cones are the best. All of these things will be described in detail in this article.

History of the Pine cone[edit | edit source]

The Great Wizard casting both of the Evergreen Spells, The being really tall one and the one that makes it sway in the wind.

Pine cones come from the Great Wizards otherwise known as pine or evergreen trees. They were also called "a tall thing that will give you more pine cones" earlier in this article. The main purpose of the cone's shape is unknown. Most people think that the Great Wizards are too good to have 'for real' seeds. Thus, the pine cone was born. Pine cones typically can be found underneath an evergreen tree. They can't really walk, so they don't go much farther from there. They can fly, but only as far as you can throw them. Pine cones were known in the past as the Kings of The Underbrush, Oh I beg you Please Do Not Step on Us, and thrived as mighty rulers. Their servants were lions, who often claimed to be king, but the pine cones told them what to do. The pine cones had tasks such as sitting, waiting, and most unfortunately, getting stepped on. The pine cones would one day become great wizards, and could cast spells such as being really tall, and swaying in the wind.

The Pine cone king tells the king of the Lions what to do.

Do you like Pine cones?[edit | edit source]

You should.

The Pine Cones alone have little power. However little power by itself, may make them more powerful. If you don't eat them when they command you to, they can be lethal, however.

Pine cones are also masters of insults. However, their voices are so high pitched that you can not hear them. They will diss you silently. Until you accidentally step on them.

Pine cones are in some ways ninjas. They could fall out of a Wizard's grasp just as you are walking underneath one and it could ambush you. That would suck pretty bad. At least I would think so.

The Purpose of the Pine cone[edit | edit source]

These are real things you can really do with pine cones, it can be really fun.

The pine cone's original purpose is unknown to this day. It is very regretted. However, you may find consolation in knowing what the pine cone can be used for. The pine cone can be used for scoping or smacking people with. This is one of my personal favorites. Imagine. You are sitting, minding your own business, when out of no where a pine cone flies in and scopes you right in the head! That would suck pretty bad, right? I think it would. Imagine again. You are staring at a pine cone and it bursts into flames! That would be pretty amusing, but would never actually happen.

Another purpose of the pine cone is its complete randomness. Once again, you are going to have to imagine. You are watching T.V. Then, you decide you want some Doritos, so you go into your snack cabinet or wherever you store your fun time snack time's. Then, as you reach for the Doritos, you find a pine cone in your area for storing snacks. PRETTY RANDOM, IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES, I AM NOT JOSHING YOU! It is also pretty fun to put them in people's houses or mailboxes or something.

By the way, short on pine cones? Bury one in the ground, and a Great Wizard will give you more. Eventually.

Davy Jones and Pine cones[edit | edit source]

Davy Jones has a long history with pine cones. He has an army of pine cones that help him fight battles when his fish/human/zombie/whatever army can't get the job done. His army dresses in black and white uniforms. They fight by casting bolts of lightning. Their enemies will be mentioned in a further down article. Their enemies are cournals of giant, man eating popcorn. They fight in wars typically fought on beaches. Davy Jones and his pine pone army almost always prevail by the night's end. The biggest war that has ever taken place between these two forces was the Great FLAVOR ICE War of 1975. The war was sparked by Davy Jones sailing Popcorn territory. Popcorn armies attempted to destroy all pine cone forces in the vicinity. Pine corn forces stormed the beaches, but lost more forces that the Popcorn armies had, but more pine cone forces were on their way. The Popcorn forces were weak by the time the second wave of pine cones had invaded, and could not stand a chance against Davy Jones. Popcorn Armies lost FLAVOR ICE beach, and were forced to retreat back 100 miles from the beach.

Davy Jones and his pine cone army on FLAVOR ICE Beach.

Pine Cones Disprove Evolution[edit | edit source]

Charles Pinecone Darwin

Pine cones used to be much bigger. It can't be a beneficial mutation for them to be getting smaller, so their mutation must be guided. Thus, the Holy Bible is the perfect and complete word of God, Jesus Christ is his son, and you must accept the literal nature of scripture as the only truth. Creationism wins.

A very credible scientific source has been quoted in saying that "since pine cones are irreducibly complex, evolution is impossible."

Pine Cone Murderers in the past[edit | edit source]

Did you know ... John Wilks Booth was murdered by a pinecone

Whether you know it or not, pine cones have committed many murders. Most of them involved chemicals. An interesting fact; about 95% of murders are in fact due to pine cones. They use vials filled with acids of the future. Sometimes they go old fashioned. Even Albus Dumbledore tried to stand up to the murderous pine cone menaces. He did not succeed. No one can stop the pine cone murders from happening.

See Also[edit | edit source]