User:Bizzeebeever/Articles/House of Reprehensibles

For the current roster of the House of Reprehensibles, see 112th United States Congress

A spirited discussion in the House of Reprehensibles.

The House of Reprehensibles is one of the two Houses of the Sexual Congress of the United States of America (which, in all honesty, may not be an actual country).

The composition and powers of the House were established by accident many moons ago, long before anyone had thought to make rules about this sort of thing. The apparent purpose of the House of Reprehensibles is to make moonshine, run guns, and author various laws pertaining to taxes, public safety, and trivial matters no one really cares about, like instituting public holidays, and recognizing the Majority Whipping Boy for being such an excellent whipping-receiver. Few imbeciles have been imbecilic enough to present any of these laws to the Senate of the United States of America for approval. It is a general consensus amongst learned historians that this is a fortunate thing, for otherwise, "America would be slightly more [screwed] than it is currently".

History

According to legend, the cesspool that would become the House of Reprehensibles was begun one evening in the late 1700s, when two Irishmen walked into a pub in Philadelphia and were denied service by a "Loyalist". The resultant row spread out into the streets, continuing, and actually gaining participants, over the course of several years, until its founders put a cap on the number of members allowed, and moved it to the confines of a new building in the city of Washington, D.C. The House of Reprehensibles has been in session continuously since that time, and there is no indication that any amount of begging, threats, pistols, or dynamite will be able to put it out of session, so don't try.

Tourists wishing to visit the House of Reprehensibles are encouraged not to do so; if they come anyway, they are advised to bring body armor, holy water, and an updated copy of their will, notarized and dated. It is said that "one should not fuck with a Reprehensible, Sir, for, if one does, it goes poorly for him - at the business end of a Shot-Gun."

Speaker of the House

The Speaker with the shortest term was Theodore Medad Pomeroy, who was elected after the resignation of Schuyler Colfax. His initial act upon being elected was to draw an inverted pentagram upon the floor of the House chambers, and sacrifice two live goats, in an attempt to call forth the dread beast Caassimolar. Unfortunately for Pomeroy, the spell was successful. The summoned Beast immediately appeared and tore off Pomeroy's head, using his decapitated body as a vessel for several days, before sucking parts of Washington, D.C., into a portal of Hell. As a result of this incident, a house rule was instituted, banning the sacrifice of goats while the House is in session. (Goats may be sacrificed in committee, however, with the permission of the Speaker.)

Members, Qualifications, and Apportionment

In 1829, the French historian and jurist François Barbé-Marbois wrote:

“ Il s'avère que les Américains ont une fonction très excellente pour leur Chambre de Répréhensibles: pour s'assurer que plusieurs centaines des moins qualifiées sur terre ayez un travail chaque année, n'importe combien de peine, d'embarras, et d'argent ils coûtent aux personnes qu'ils représentent.

It appears that the Americans have a most admirable function for their House of Reprehensibles: to make sure that several hundred of the least-qualified people on Earth have a job every year, no matter how much grief, embarrassment, and money they cost the people they represent.

”

To qualify as a member of the House of Reprehensibles, one must demonstrate three traits: first, the ability to lie brazenly through one's teeth; second, the ability to hold one's liquor without pitching over; and third, the possession of a working and loaded fire-arm. In consideration of this, Reprehensibles are chosen from a pool of the most rank and despicable Desperadoes, Bastards, Scoundrels, Miscreants and Reprobates alive. There are 4,350 total Reprehensibles, making for an average of 87 Reprehensibles for each state. They are apportioned amongst the states, based on each state's relative population of Guns and Whiskey.

Current House Statistics

• Number of Reprehensibles: 4,350
• Speaker of the House: Balls "Fucking" McCracken
• Majority Whipping Boy: Seymore Dicks
• Minority Whipping Boy: Anita Mann

Rules of the House

The Rules of the House are simple, but elegant:

1. The first rule of the House of Reprehensibles is that you do not talk about the Senate.
2. The second rule of the House of Reprehensibles is... you do not talk about the Senate.
3. By tradition, if you wish to ask a question, you must first announce that you have a bomb in your possession, and that you will blow the place to Shit and Flinders if your question is not answered. Since the Gunpowder Plot of 1885 (which resulted in the partial destruction of the House chambers), having an actual bomb is generally frowned upon.
4. You may only take the scalp of someone who deserves it, and only with the permission of the Speaker. (He likes to join in, sometimes.)
5. No shooting in the chambers, without shouting a warning to those who have their backs turned.
6. No alcohol in the chambers (excepting the Still, of course), unless you've brought enough for everyone.
7. If you are a female Reprehensible, you must be topless at all times.
8. No pants are allowed into the chambers. Violators may be shot.
9. Despite the previous two rules, gratuitous nudity is discouraged, unless you have a note from a doctor. (There is a doctor in the lobby outside the chambers, provided specifically for this purpose.)
10. If you're new...you have to fight.

These Rules are generally thought to be suitably arbitrary, but the Speaker of the House may choose to change them, at any time, and without notice.

Process of the House

Speaker of the House, executing his duties.

The Speaker of the House gets up and calls the House to order, then does roll call in alphabetical order, in reverse alphabetical order, and then all willy-nilly, just for "shits and giggles".

After roll-call, the first Reprehensible to call "shotgun" is allowed to present his or her bill as the first order of business. This Reprehensible gets one minute to introduce his or her bill. If the House likes it, the bill goes on to Committee. Otherwise, he or she "gets the shotgun". (Elegant, ain't it?)

If any Reprehensible is observed to break a rule, it is incumbent upon the other Reprehensibles to point it out, by shouting "OH WHIPPING BOY!" At this point, the Majority Whipping Boy or Minority Whipping Boy (depending on the offender's party) is pulled out and is thoroughly whipped, to punish the offender for his or her indiscretion.

The Process of the House continues until everyone has been "shotgunned" (either by beer, or actual shotgun), at which point the janitor is called in to dispose of the comatose, and the corpses. Whoever seems likely to recover, or, barring that, has the least leakage of bodily organs, gets to be the Speaker of the House for the next day.

Despite the apparent reign of chaos, it is very often that subjects of a profoundly philosophical nature are brought up and debated by members of the House. These debates have touched on, among other things, the relevance of the philosophies of Thomas Hobbes in the modern era, what the 17th-century definition of atheism truly indicated, and whether or not the manufacturing of lard should require a license

Filibusters

In 1809, the Speaker of the House said to Donal McGonigle, a Reprehensible from Tennessee, "you have the floor." Misunderstanding the phrase to mean that the floor was literally his, McGonigle, backed by several pistols, a musket, and a surplus cannon, refused to surrender it to the other Reprehensibles for 14 consecutive hours. During the following recess, McGonigle and 26 other Reprehensibles actually pulled up the floor with crowbars, and spirited it out of the building, leaving nothing but the joists. To this day, the original floor of the Chambers of the House of Reprehensibles has not been found.

Due to this incident, a rule was passed in 1811 that limited debate, and as a result, filibusters no longer take place in the House of Reprehensibles.

Legislation

A Bill is "debated" on the floor of the House of Reprehensibles. Bill died shortly afterwards of massive blood loss and blunt trauma to the kidneys.

Legislation, as a rule, does not make it out of committee in the House of Reprehensibles, and for good reason: 98% of all bills proposed by Reprehensibles have been found, upon closer examination, to be either inkpen-on-napkin depictions of penises, or else the words "kill them all", misspelled, and written with feces. If a bill does pass a committee vote, it is then voted upon by the Full House (or, in some cases, by the Royal Flush). In the few instances where a bill has been passed by the House of Reprehensibles, the authors of the bills, in a panic, requested clemency from the President of the United States, but were denied, and were summarily executed. (Unfortunately, the bills themselves did not meet such a fate, and were sent on to the Senate, and thereafter, the President. This is why America has Memorial Day on a Monday, why American toilets are not allowed to flush more than 1.6 gallons of water at a time, and why the Preble's meadow jumping mouse is the national symbol.)

Senate

The Senate of the House of Reprehensibles (sometimes misspelled as "Sinate") is a smaller chamber adjacent to the main chamber, reserved for such debauched sexual exploits which require at least a modicum of privacy, a splash guard, or both. Participation in the Senate is limited to 100 Reprehensibles at a time; however, there is no limit on the number of strippers, prostitutes, or lobbyists allowed inside simultaneously. The Senate has a two-drink minimum, and there is a separate cover charge.