User:Another n00b/Justine Bieber
|Date of birth||June 7th, 1899|
|Died||October 21st, 1923|
|Career||July 16, 1914 - August 17th, 1919|
“Y'know, this is the closest I've ever come to hitting puberty”
“She makes me sound like Barry White”
“Her balls are higher than my waistline”
“Justine Bieber is enough to make me straight”
Justine Hermaphroditus Gaga-Bieber (pronounced /'geɪ 'fæg/) is an R&B singer of indeterminable age and gender. She became internationally famous when she posted a video of her singing her own song, One time, on YouTube. Shortly after this, she set up a record label with Usher, which gave her some success. In her later years, Bieber became addicted to several drugs, including heroin, cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, aspirin, , and . Bieber also got caught up in the East Coast-West Coast hip hop rivalry, which ultimately claimed her life, as she was stabbed to death in Birmingham, after a previous assassination attempt failed, despite Bieber receiving 42 gunshot wounds to the groin.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Main Article: Wanker
Justin Hermaphroditus Gaga-Bieber was born to Lady Gaga and Tay Zonday after a passionate one night stand. But after Tay died in a gun fight in the People's Republic of Canada in 1907, and Scrooble murdered Lady Gaga in 1908, Bieber was initially to be sold to Brangelina, but since he wasn't Vietnamese, he was instead sold to a hillbilly 'couple' called Cletus and Spunk, and their son Jed (who was also their grandfather). Cletus taught Bieber to play the banjo, which he turned out to be incredibly skilled at.
— Spunk on Justin Bieber
Bieber was forced onto the streets of Hollywood after his foster parents were arrested for incest, where his banjo playing earned him a decent living. Here he had a famous encounter with Eric Clapton, who said of him "He is perhaps one of the best people in the world at fingering. His skill with the G string is amazing." Clapton was stoned shitless at the time. His prodigous skill with the banjo earned him a scholarship to a Tibetan monastery in the local Chinatown. Here, he learned to improve his playing technique by using the ways of the Dark Side. His Sith career was ended when he lost a duel with a green midget, and was castrated by Yoda's 12 inch lightsaber. Bieber then fled to Canada, where he would develop his puberty.
Breakthrough[edit | edit source]
— Lady Gaga has a Darth Vader moment, with elements of transgenderism
Bieber was reunited with his
father mother sexually ambiguous parent Lady Gaga, and moved in with her him it. Here, he began to write songs about his experiences; however, "Hillbilly Incest" wasn't much of a success. After being told by Mufasa that "the key to writing a good song is getting totally pissed and writing down everything you say", Bieber wrote the hit single "Chocolate Rain", after an inspiring sex session and the subsequent rectal repercussions it posed for him. Usher, meanwhile, was looking for porn on YouTube (although he claims that he was merely searching for cats), but accidentally clicked on Bieber's link. After receiving the following message:
Usher then commented, under the username HornyEunuch:
— Usher on Justin Bieber
Bieber soon signed onto a record label with Usher, and his career began there and then. However, Usher had to fight Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson and a Hobo for who would be the one to sign Justin. This resulted in an epic rap battle, which Usher won because he's black and because you need a low voice to do mean gangsta rapping. Timberlake then had an operation to make himself black, turning himself into Timbaland. Michael Jackson, as we all know, was murdered by the butler, NOT Colonel Mustard.
Decline[edit | edit source]
It wasn't long before it all ended quite abruptly, though. Bieber became very close to Usher, and even began to question his feelings. This prompted our favourite gay prepubescent singer (yes, we like him even more than Chris Martin. Sorry Chris) to have a sex change operation. This went horribly wrong, and left Bieber incredibly deformed (despite already being deformed). Depressed, Bieber turned to hard drugs; after photos of her were taken, depicting her downing several bottles of Calpol, Bieber was dropped by her label. Her career was as good as over.
Comeback[edit | edit source]
Like all failed singers, Justine Bieber arranged a comeback tour. Like most comeback tours, it was designed to bring Bieber back into the spotlight for a few months, before catapulting her back into the depths of obscurity for good. Bieber's comeback tour was originally meant to begin in July 1919 with a duet with Michael Jackson; after Jackson's death, the tour was postponed to October of the same year, and Boyzone were brought in to perform the duet with Bieber instead. Bieber eventually gave up on the tour after he asked the Beatles to perform with him, but only two of them turned up.
Death[edit | edit source]
Justine Bieber was reportedly stabbed to death in the streets of Birmingham. There was a $5 million reward for anyone who confessed to having killed Bieber, but nobody confirmed anything. But, a note was found on the body 13 hours after the murder, saying:
“Fuck off Bieber you wanker”
Later, in 1945, it was finally revealed to have been Bob the Builder.
Justine died on October 21st, 1923. There have been national celebrations since then on that date in the town of Birmingham, and people often throw urine and faeces over the grave.
"Bieber has only got one ball"[edit | edit source]
:Bieber has only got one ball
:It's not big, it's very very small
:Usher, ate it in Russia
Now Bieber has none at all
Both Bieber and Usher denied the rumours, but this only made people believe that they were true. And for once, the rumours were true.
See Also[edit | edit source]
Discography[edit | edit source]
My world[edit | edit source]
- Hillbilly Incest
- One Time
- Down to Hell
- (Lowest) Common Denominator
- If I Was A Boy (collaboration with Beyonce)
Bieber got back[edit | edit source]
- One More Lonely girl (She Is Better Off)
- Love Me (Because Nobody Does)
- Favorite Gigolo (Not Me)
- Shawty Cock
- I Was Triple-Penetrated by Girls (And I Liked It)
- Nude Boy