UnNews:You little bastard, I'll kick your ass!

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10 December 2009

"I'll kick your ass, fucktard!" says Colin "the Puppy Crusher" Stevens.

RANDALL, Arkansas -- Local tough Colin "the Puppy Crusher" Stevens told his stepfather to, "go piss up a rope", after being told to "get off the phone and take the garbage out."

"This is typical, really," said Percy Treacham, the above mentioned stepfather. Ever since a state-wide ban on corporal punishment of children last July, disobedience to parents has increased an estimated %82 in Arkansas.

Little Colin has made quite a name for himself in this small town of 4,800. Since July 12, 2009, he's been arrested on charges of burglary, drunk and disorderly, arson, common skulduggery, and attempted murder with a deadly weapon. He's taken up smoking menthol cigarettes, frequently flaunts his disregard for local law enforcement, and says to anyone who will listen, "I'm a fucking juvi (sic), I don't give a shit!"

Local police are at a loss to deal with this tremendous increase in lawlessness. "There's no juvenile facilities in town, to speak of, so housing is a problem. We ran out of tracking bracelets in August. We can't spank them, the parents can't spank them; we're going to need help, for sure," said Sheriffs Deputy Redondo Howitzer.

Governor Mike Beebe has placed State Police on high alert, and is considering calling out the National Guard.

Sources

• Mark Knudsen "State of Arkansas under siege from tykes" Little Rock Decider, December 10, 2009