UnNews:Why we need a special prosecutor in Trump-Russia mess
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This article contains actual facts Normally this would make it utterly unsuitable for Uncyclopedia. However in this case the truth is stranger than fiction.
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From the UnNews editorial board:
Thursday, May 11, 2017
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Fuck it. This is no time to be funny. But I just got tagged [Friday - Ed.] with an ICU. "Where the jokes?" You want JOKES, I'll give you a joke: DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT. He's DESTROYING AMERICA and turning his "presidency" into an AUTHORITARIAN DICTATORSHIP. He is DESTOROYING DEMOCRACY! Why does every UnNews article have to be funny, especially when a tragedy like this occurs? If you want a comedic spin on a news story too serious to make light of, just watch The Daily Show, SNL, South Park, or Fox News. Or better yet, avoid Faux News like the Plague that Trump is inflicting upon America. Remember when SNL returned after 9/11? Not a single joke in the cold open. Nor in the cold open of the post-election episode after Hillary Clinton lost. Even comedy can be deadly serious.
With yesterday's [Tuesday's - Ed.] firing of James Comey, who was leading the "witch hunt" "fake news" probe into the Russiagate scandal, We the People of the Divided United against Trump States need a special prosecutor and an independent, nonpartisan investigation, now more than ever.
In a scandal and cover-up that echoes the Watergate scandal that brought down Richard Nixon, His Royal pain in the ass Highness Donald Trump has does everything in his ill-gotten power to obstruct justice and prevent the truth from getting out in regards to his deep, deep ties to Russia and its President, Vladimir Putin. He has distracted us from it, lied about it, called it "fake news," fired anyone who has gotten in his way (Acting Attorney General Sally Yates and now, FBI Director Comey), fired members of his own incompetent staff whose ties have been found out (Michael Flynn, Carter Page), and gone on Twitter rampages that rival those of Kanye West, Trumptards, and easily offended "PC butthurt liberal snowflakes" freaking out over some inoffensive shit such as that Pepsi commercial everyone's bitching about.
Partisanship (especially among the coldblooded reptilian bastard Republican majority) has compromised the House and Senate probes into this ever-escalating scandal, with no impartiality in sight. Therefore, it is imperative that the Department of Justice hire a special, independent, nonpartisan, impartial prosecutor to conduct an unbiased investigation into Russiagate and its cover-up. "What did the President know, and when did he know it?" Sound familiar? Of course not. Nobody remembers a major political scandal from 45 years ago!
You know this scandal's real when familiar faces from Watergate resurface, such as Washington Post rookies-turned-American heroes Carl Bernstein & Bob Woodward (Bernstein has resurfaced more-so, appearing on CNN and contributing articles dozens and dozens of times), co-conspirator John Dean, and even Henry Kissinger. And just to clarify: Kissinger was Secretary of State at the height of Watergate, but did not actually partake in the scandal.
Did I mention that Emperor Oompa Loompa was seen after Comey's firing with the very same Russians he claims to have nothing to do with? Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the U.S. (and Alfred Hitchcock lookalike) Sergey Kissmyass Kislyak.
We are living in a dark, unprecedented time in American history. Donald Trump is the textbook definition of a demagogue. Ruthless, arrogant, orange, opinionated, unaccepting of facts and reality, intolerant of his critics and opponents, intolerant of the "dishonest" "fake news" media that holds him accountable, intolerant of democracy. America is supposed to be "We the People," not "I the President" or "I the Great Orange Dictator."
Donald Trump did not win the election legitimately. He colluded, and conspired, with the Kremlin (and maybe even the Gremlins) to meddle in, influence, and rig the election, and to swing it in his favor. Hillary Clinton is the rightful 45th President of the United States. (No offense, Bernie.)
Do the right thing and contact your representatives, senators, and the Department of Justice, and demand a special prosecutor and an independent investigation into the Trump-Russia scandal. Our country, our Constitution, our democracy depends on it.
Because nothing is funnier than watching democracy become a thing of the past.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Brian Bennett and Lisa Mascaro "Calls grow for an independent special prosecutor to investigate Trump campaign ties to Russia" Los Angeles Times, May 10, 2017