UnNews:Toy company boss commits suicide
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 August 2007
FOSHAN, CHINA - “They’re out to get me!” Zhang Shuhong’s terrified voice cried on a videotape the toy company that he co-owned released to the public earlier today. The tape showed him seated on the carpet of his palatial home’s living room floor, surrounded by Big Bird, Elmo, Dora the Explorer, and many other popular dolls and other toys that his Chinese company, Lee Der Industrial Co., Ltd. Manufactured for Mattel.
According to the tape, the toys were conspiring to poison him. They were found, he said, to contain “excessive amounts of lead.” Shuhing said that he knew his employees would never have added the heavy metal to the toys, nor would his partner. “It was the toys,” he declared on the videotape. “They’re the ones who did it.”
Shuhong attributed the toys’ attempt at homicide to two motives. “They wanted to kill me, obviously,” he said, “and they wanted to bankrupt my partner and me.”
The toy mogul suffered from anemia, vomiting, and learning difficulties prior to his suicide. All are symptoms, he said, of lead poisoning. “Rather than to die a slow, agonizing death from lead poisoning, I choose to go by my own hand,” he announced. A gunshot was heard off camera, and Shohung slumped to the floor, overturning Big Bird, whose trademark canary yellow feathers were ruffled and splattered with blood.
The playthings were bound for the United States, where they were to be sold as part of Mattel’s Fischer-Price line of “toys for tots.”
Shuhong’s partner, Chiu Kwei-tsun, has obtained a restraining order against the murderous toys. He has also had several movies featuring the sociopath Chucky doll removed from the toy factory. “I believe the toys were inspired by Bride of Chuckie, a horror film in which the homicidal doll goes on a killing rampage against his human owner.”
On the morning of the day that he committed suicide, Shohung is said to have behaved with his characteristic charm, shaking hands while palming a joy buzzer and spurting employees and clients alike with water from the artificial squirting flower he wears in his lapel. At lunch, he took time to juggle a few bowling pins, his favorite means of exercising and staying trim and fit, his secretary] said.
Mattel had no comments about the death of its long-time supplier, other than to point out, “The toys have been rounded up and are being held in a special cell at a Chinese maximum-security prison, awaiting trial.”
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