UnNews:The Pope Finally Came!
|This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation.|
28 September 2015
“Families are built by a man and a woman. End of story.”
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Yesterday marked the close of Pope Francis' first and possibly only US tour. It has been such a privilege to welcome the Pope into our bosom as a great nation, and embrace his full-frontal assault of Catholicism in collective spiritual and existential awe.
Proud to bring you rolling coverage of the Pope's historic tour we're dubbing, Papal Smear 2015, UnNews has been working tirelessly around the clock for the past eight days. During this visit we witnessed many miracles of good portent and peaceful gatherings en masse, a truly rare occasion for both inner-city Philadelphia and the entire island of Cuba.
His tour marks several milestones for the Papacy:
- He visited Philadelphia's largest prison, condemning capital punishment before Congress during his time in Washington.
- He denounced consumerism in the US, highlighting local markets versus big box stores, and criticizing consumer culture and 'trends.' Francis called local markets humble but personal, and urged Americans to transcend Capitalism.
- He went to the marijuana clubs in Colorado, but he did not inhale.
|Sept 23Vice President Biden @VPBiden@Pope reminds me that we're measured by what we do, not just what we say. Together we can make this a better world. #PopeIsDope #PumpingUpThePope #CatholicismWow|
|Sept 27Bishop Eddie Brash @SaintsFanI'm down with @Pope, he's a role model for all us bishops. It wasn't a home run. It was a grand slam! #HighOnCatholicism #PapalSlam|
Not everyone was excited to see the Popage — many protesters attended the Pope's engagements, some arrests were made in Washington DC, and Native American Groups expressed outrage that Serra, a brutal colonizer was made a saint.
An Impromptu Visit to Saint Joseph's University
St Joseph’s student newspaper The Hawk was on campus for the Pope’s surprise visit. Large crowds were mysteriously awaiting his arrival, and security was curiously available and ready. Pope Francis blessed the beloved Synagoga and Ecclesia in Our Time sculpture, met with representatives from the Institute of Jewish-Catholic relations, waved to the star-struck students, and then rolled out in the Popemobile.
|Sept 24Christian Cornwell @SJChristian@Pope is coming to my school? Is this real life? #CrayCray #PopeInPhilly|
|Sept 24Official Mascot @SaintJosephsHawkPlease, @Pope Francis, bless this over-sized mascot suit. I beg you, I don’t ask for much. #PopeInPhilly|
Help Spread these Papal Tidings
The Pope uses washing your feet as a metaphor for healing and the difficulties of life:
|“||We know in faith that Jesus seeks us out. He wants to heal our wounds to sooth our feet, which hurt from traveling alone. The Holy Father knows it is a painful time, not only for you, but also for your families and for all of society. I am here as a Pastor, but above all as a brother, to share your situation, and you may have dirty feet.||”|
The Pope got more than one chuckle out of the crowd when encouraging people to marry young:
|“||In Buenos Aires, when women ask me, 'My son is 30, 34 years old and he's not married yet, what do I do?' I tell them, 'Don't iron his shirts anymore.'||”|
Pope Francis has reassured us: if only we have faith, the Father will give us his Spirit, even Christian idolaters and irreligious infidels! This is itself a miracle in today’s world. That we could all be saved! That each and every one of us could overcome the scandals of pedophilia, psychopathology, and duplicitous debauchery!
|“||We must excite children to overcome evil.||”|
So much wisdom in so few words! I am sure that is not the entire message that the Pope wanted to spread during his visit, but it was a common theme of the tour, touched upon often.
Jesus knows that where children are concerned we are capable of boundless generosity, but as far as goodness and purity of heart, human beings usually don’t have much to offer. Pointedly yet affectionately, he teaches us, "...you, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children."
We couldn't keep up with how many babies Pope Francis has kissed on this parade of souls. I think we’re up to about six or seven hundred. I'm pretty sure it's about 20+ children a minute. Someone give the Popito a chapstick or something. Most devotees only want to see Pope Francis, because just to see him is a blessing, but by all means, if you've got a baby — the Pope wants to kiss it.
|Sept 26Betty White @CatholicBetty@Pope just kissed my baby! I can't even explain my utter exuberance, it was truly a gift from god!!! #BlessMyBaby #PopeInPhilly|
|Sept 26CIA Official @CIAnutJoin the secret service, see the world and protect the president, they said. Here I am, cartin’ babies around to be kissed by the Goddamn @Pope #JobStress #PopeThis|
"As he got close, my legs started shaking," one mother recalls. "Lord, Jesus in heaven, my legs are still shaking!" Overwhelmed with emotion, when the baby was lifted from her arms she had to clutch the guardrail to prevent herself from collapsing. "I was yelling and crying, thinking, 'God loves me. God loves me.' I feel like God touched me, down there, you know? I've never felt that way about any man, that's for sure." The mother was ecstatic. She was so overcome with emotion, she was unable to see, but a secret service agent carried her baby to Pope Francis, who touched and kissed the baby's head. Moments later, the baby was back in its mothers arms.
"My son is an angel now," the mother reflects, still overwhelmed nearly an hour and a half after the event. She cried, "I feel like God chose my baby to be a martyr, to be something special. My baby's going to save us from poverty now, I know it!" she exclaimed.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
The Francis Effect
Although the congregation at Popemeister’s final mass didn’t seem to reach the one million that tour organizers had hoped for, tens of thousands of people prayed just for the Pope nonetheless. Officials warned the crowds that there was strictly to be no flag waving or hand clapping during the ceremonies, but as usual some godless barbarians in the audience started applauding and waving soccer  banners. Secret service quickly ushered the miscreants out of the otherwise peaceful gathering.
Overzealous security has been a hallmark of this Papal tour, and in the wash-up there were harsh words from thousands of ticket-holding Catholics that were denied entry to the overcrowded sermons. Hundreds of thousands of pilgrims packed the long lanes leading to the makeshift sanctuary to see Pope Francis. The Guardian spent all day stuck in security checkpoints with the would-be congregation for the Pope’s World Meeting of Families:
By their estimation, the line moved approximately 50 feet every 20 or 30 minutes, ya herd? Disappointed visitors fled the lines once they knew the masses would begin without them, but others clung to the dismal hope that they could actually join the congregation.
|Sept 27Jesus Hernandez @HolyRollerWe are stuck outside security for Papal Mass! No Jumbotrons, we can't see or hear anything. :( #PapalMess|
|Sept 27Jesus Himself @BibleThumperIncredibly looooong line to get into mass with @Pope.|
Notably, the heavy security surrounding the Pope killed off trade for local businesses on what should have been a busier sales weekend, with many stores deciding to close early Sunday due to lack of customers. Many business owners blamed the intense security, citing the concrete barriers and vehicle checkpoints stationed near shop entrances. Surprisingly many hotel rooms went unfilled, and tables went empty at the trendiest restaurants.
Unanimously the consensus among those interviewed seemed to be, more Jumbotrons.
Pope Francis Fever!
Perhaps it’s because they thought they couldn’t catch a train, but many worshipers slept on the streets the night before Papal Masses to try to stake out their viewing position. Among the Pope's celebrity followers, Aretha Franklin and Mark Wahlberg were camped outside the airport to watch the pope depart.
Stephen Colbert, who is Catholic, presented an award to his holiness via webcam, and in a live broadcast, Madonna dedicated a special performance of her song "Like a Virgin" to the super sexy "Popey-wopey." Even Kim Kardashian got into the habit and posed for a limited edition Playboy Catholic: Vatican Sisters, due to hit bookstore shelves next month.
What He's Like
Born Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Pope Francis is the oldest of five children from Buenos Aires. His parents were Italian immigrants, and Bergoglio earned a degree as a chemical technician before choosing to enter priesthood. He also served as the Rector of the Colegio of San José as a Professor of Theology. After Pope John Paul II appointed Jorge the Auxiliary Bishop of Buenos Aires, he succeeded Cardinal Quarracino as the Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was later made a cardinal, and changed his name to Francis in honor of St. Francis of Assisi, a man of poverty.
Pope Francis is the first non-European Jesuit to become pope and confirmed that he does regularly shit in the woods. Since his election, Pope Francis has written several documents, including an encyclical titled Rectum Cum Fide (Act Right with Faith), the third of a papal series on the three theological virtues; and an Apostolic 'Call to Action,' Cultus Absque Sexus (Worship without Sex), which exhorts people in all stages of life to spread the gospel message, discussing some of the challenges and motivations for every person, often telling asides and using raunchy jokes to lighten the mood.
Pope Francis loves to emphasize Catholic-Jewish relations. When he was Archbishop of Buenos Aires, one of his closest friends was the noted Jewish scholar Rabbi Abraham Skorka. He and the Pope conducted a series of interfaith talks, in a collection of essays, Between Heaven and Earth. Pope Francis has said the following about Judaism:
|“||God never abandoned his covenant with Israel, and neither will I.||”|
The Pontiff was bored only during the official events and overly-evangelical liturgies, renewing himself by jamming out to tunes on his iPod Nano (although he was missing his hatphones).  Even though He enjoys kissing and blessing babies, greasing palms and spreading the gospel of God, if there's any point during his tours when he feels listless, a few short moments listening to holy hymns always recharges his 'moral batteries.'
|Sept 27Pope Francis @PopeIn a 'one-on-one' with @VPBiden now. Can't wait to see what pops up. #ThereIsNoCabal|
What He Thought
Evidently this was an atypical tour for Poperotomy, with most public questioning centered around the theme of sexual abuse within the Church. He met with some of the victims and discussed the sexual abuse of children at St. Charles Borromeo Seminary. Seeking to show compassion, he expressed empathy for their plight and suffering, both vowing and avowing to bring the filthy godforsaken heathens to justice.
This was the ultimate fruition of Francis’s pilgrimage — and aside from possible rapprochement in Cuba and Colombia — it will most likely happen out of the public eye, among the inner Archdiocese and thus only spread by the mouths of all the pretty young altar boys and choir girls that take up study at the Vatican.
Catholic Sexual Relations & You
Unfortunately for many victims of sexual abuse, especially those who have lived through years of denials and cover-ups by the church believed the Pope’s words and gestures hollow. UnNews estimates that the sex abuse scandal has cost approximately $3bn in settlements, and is a "weak spot" for any fool crowned his Popeness. Pope Francis considers it one of his missions in life to protect all young people of all religions from all abuse, not just sexually within the church.
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What He Ate
From Cubanos to Cheesesteaks, the pope has tasted all the sandwiches the US has to offer, preaching forgiveness, mercy, and strict adherence all to federal food handling regulations..
He encouraged Catholics above all to open their hearts to immigrants, whose culture, and most importantly food, was a gift that would renew the US.
Cardinal Vincenzio Pagla, an avid cheeseburger enthusiast is on board with the pope's program. "We must open the doors of our homes and our hearts," he said, "This is the prophesy that all families are called upon to fulfill. God's dream is to unite all people into one family, rich in diversity and variety of sandwiches."
He adds that thousands of copies of the Lewd Acts of the Apostles and Rick James Version of the Bible will be distributed to poor families in some of the world’s biggest cities. "An Assyrian family who will return home are not going home empty handed," Paglia says. "The money from today’s congregation will be used to feed Assyrian children lasagna, hot dogs, cheesecake and Coca Cola. You know, The good stuffs."
US President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and UN Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon received the Pontiff warmly during his official duties, introducing him to bánh mìs, and Pope Francis is now looking forward to enjoying some authentic bánh mìs hopefully sometime within in the next few years.
The Italian Feast That Could've Been
While "thrilled" that he was visiting NYC, the Pope was disappointed that he could not get a table at Rao's.
"I'm admittedly disappointed that he didn't just stop by here," Frank Pellegrino, owner of Rao's told UnNews, "As any good Catholic Italian-American I would'a opened up a special table — and the ravioli, the Italian sausage, and of course, the meatballs woulda been on da house!" He added, "It'sa Sunday after all and he's an Italian too, eh? We'da made him a real Catholic feast! He's gotta pay for the lasagna though, getoudahere, you're breakin' my balls!"
As this whirlwind of a Papal Journey winds to a close, crowds watched Pope Francis on a Jumbotron at his final mass, where the Popester has left America with his signature request:
|“||Pray for me. I embrace all of you in the breast of the Lord and, entrusting you to the maternal care of Mary Immaculate, Patroness of the United States, I pray for you and your families, and I pray you, please, pray for me. May we pray together, I pray! Pray! Pray, I beg of you! I pray you pray and let prayer set your spirit free. Amen.||”|
He continued to touch on themes of affection and forgiveness, addressing the crowd in his last homily:
|“||I'll leave for you a question so that each one may respond to it. In your house do people yell, or do you speak with love and affection? This is a good way to measure your love. Thank you very much for your participation and for your love and support. And I asked you pray for me. Don’t forget, or else.||”|
The pope had one last private meeting with Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr. before his final departure. Climbing the aircraft steps, he stumbled a little at the top; turned and waved. He is obviously exhausted, but smiling. Shepherd One will be carrying him home. It's been epic.
Pope Francis has now departed the US, concluding a historical tour defined by soaring statements on merciful immigration, necessary change, and the importance of family hearth and home; especially when it comes to food preparation. It has been a momentous occasion for all to witness, filled with profound philosophical concepts, religious teachings and miracles of human patience.
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On a personal note, It’s been a long week and I’m Poped the fuck out. Thanks to the Uncyclopedia Legal Department for funding my expenses for the duration of this campaign. Next time I want to stay in a nicer, soundproof hotel suite.
- The song "Eight Days a Week" by The Beatles has been named the official theme song for Papal Smear 2015.
- The entire world outside of the United States refers to soccer as fútbol.
- The Pope's Mitre is also a MP3 player with a built-in speaker system, used to play background music during mass at the Vatican.