Hillary Clinton's Bust

View of Hillary's bust

Hillary Clinton's bust (The Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton: The First Woman President of the United States) was massaged into shape by Daniel Edwards for display at the Museum of Sex in Manhattan, where, the artist-turned-masseuse hopes, the former First Lady's breasts will demonstrate the "sexual power" that she commands over her sometimes-wayward husband, Bill Clinton. She wishes her titties were that nice. In reality, she wears a pants suit because those things hit the floor.

With mammaries as mighty as hers, it is no wonder, Edwards contends, that she became a New Yorker and was elected to the U. S. Senate because of her love of the Giants and the Damned Yankees.

The senator's sculpted breasts will be used as part of Hillary Clinton's Presidential Fund-raising Campaign.

Covert Signal[edit | edit source]

The bust is also a covert signal to the lesbian and gay community, whose members are among her strongest supporters, as the breasts, to lesbians, are what an erect penis is to gays: something not only beautiful (and, therefore, feminine), but also powerful (and, therefore, masculine). "This sculpture," Edwards says, "is an expression of the president's--I mean, the senator's--androgynous nature," adding that, "among primitive peoples, such as lesbians, gays, and Democrats, androgyny and hermaphrodism are signs of divine favor, and the breasts and the penis are interchangeable symbols of love and aggression, sex and power."

Threat[edit | edit source]

Actress Sharon Stone inspired Edwards with a comment that the actress made while attending last year's Academy Awards. "Topless, Hillary is a threat to the patriarchal penis. In size alone, the puny penis can‘t hope to stand up to Hillary’s big, beautiful breasts.” As a “lady with lesbian leanings,” Stone admitted that she was especially drawn to Edward's sculpture, finding it a “nude to be reckoned with.”

"Larger Than Life"[edit | edit source]

“She really is larger than life,” Edwards admitted in a press conference attended by CNN, MSNBC, Hustler, and Entertainment Tonight. “In fact, she’s huge! I needed damned near a ton of resin--and that was just for her right hooter; her left tit is slightly bigger, requiring an extra quarter ton, nipple excluded.”

Filibustering[edit | edit source]

The bust, the artist declared, is meant to signify, among other things, the senator's talent for filibustering.

Clinton, who is known for her ability to filibuster, having learned how to rail at length in chastising her husband for his adulterous affairs, staining Monica Lewinsky’s dress, and committing sundry other sordid peccadilloes, can introduce irrelevancies, digressions, and streams of insults and obscenities with the best of them. “Ted Kennedy has nothing on Hillary,” Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi stated.

Commentary[edit | edit source]

Although Clinton herself has “no comment” on the bust, others have had plenty to say:

This is not Hillary Clinton's Bust, this is just some stupid publicity stunt.

“Apparently, there’s a lot more to Hillary Clinton than anyone ever suspected.”
~ Jay Leno

“Hillary’s healthcare reform effort was a bust, and, now, she’s one herself.”
~ David Letterman

“I always thought she was a boob.”
~ Conan O'Brien

“Gee, I don’t feel threatened.”
~ Pamela Anderson

“I guess her critics will finally have to admit that there are a couple of differences between her and Bill Clinton.”
~ Angelina Jolie

“What gets me is that her tits are in a museum.”
~ Joan Rivers

“I think I’m going to take up the breast stroke!”
~ Bill Clinton

Told of the jokes that his sculpture has caused, Edwards responded, “See? Already, my art, like Senator Clinton herself, is generating serious, worthy discussion.”

Coming Attractions[edit | edit source]

The excitement that Clinton's bust has stirred has inspired Edwards to create more sculptures in honor of the senator and her husband. Two that he has in mind are Secret Service, which will be "just Monica Lewinsky's head, with her mouth as wide open as possible and her eyes closed. It will be a tribute both to President Clinton's contributions to the American way of life and to Monica's service to her country and, more specifically, to her president." The second sculpture, The Presidential Phallus, will depict the virility of the Clinton presidency in all its naked glory. Although the former president himself is unavailable to pose for his commemorative statue, Edwards has found several women who are familiar with Clinton's virile member and who have offered to provide "damning testimony" as to its appearance and distinguishing features, including not only Ms. Lewisnsky, but also: