UnNews:Terrorist takedown in Maine saves Christmas
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 December 2006
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BANGOR, USA - The free world can breathe a sigh of relief after the capture of a suspected terrorist that White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan calls "...a rising star on the chessboard of the Axis of Evil.", referring to the success of the operation that lead to the arrest as "...with the bases loaded, we just kicked a bull's eye from the three-point line."
At a special press conference held this morning in Bangor, Maine, Mr. McClellan touted the apprehension of an Al-Qaeda agent near the US/Canada border early Christmas morning.
"America's enemies thought it was the bottom of the fourth quarter with two strikes and one man in the penalty box, but freedom caught the rebound and slid into the end zone to bowl a strike on this one. Prompt action by government authorities prevented what would have surely been the worst terrorist attack since 9/11. At approximately one A.M. eastern standard time on December the 25th Kris Kringle attempted to enter US airspace from New Brunswick. Canada, as you well know, has been a base for agents of terror, their friends, relatives, and Myspace accounts since 9/11. His unauthorized flight was intercepted by interceptors from the DHS's Air Interception division, and he was forced to land at an airstrip in northern Maine. Santa thought that he could lead a gift horse to water and then look it in the mouth. We proved him wrong."
Assisted by aides from the recently created Department of Aides for Assisting the White House Press Secretary, Mr. McClellan tried and failed to show a PowerPoint presentation.
"Nuts! Okay, just try to picture it. The agent of terror, with eight of his fellow terrorists and an assload of contraband, flew from here...was detected here...intercepted here...and was forced to land here." he said while pointing to a blank projector screen, "At that time agents from the DHS, FBI, ATF and OSHA moved in and arrested the entire group. Items taken from the sleigh included toy cars for tiny car bombs, replica guns and electric trains. In the hands of fanatical fanatics, the ATF is sure that the replica firearms could be converted to fully automatic replica fire. At this stage, we believe that the trains were part of a plan to compromise rail transit across this great nation. As a precautionary measure, we are arresting and torturing all train passengers and crew for information. You can't make an omelette without crying over spilt milk. We've made the holiday season safe for America by ruining it for everyone. Yesterday's operation was the largest interdepartmental operation since those heady days after 9/11."
"9/11, if you remember, was the worst terrorist attack on the United States since 9/11."
"Since we've shut down the northern branch of the Axis of Evil, we're planning on invading Antarctica next, should diplomatic channels fail. The ostrich of terror can't hide its head in the snow any longer, because the elephant of justice never forgets that it's time to pay the piper." McClellan continued, closing the press conference with this terse warning, "9/11!"
UnNews obtained through the Freedom of Misinformation Act a statement from Mr. Claus. This handwritten note was smuggled out of Abu Ghraib and intercepted while en route to Claus' base of operations. It has not yet been confirmed as authentic, although it does have "A"s that look like little Christmas trees.
The letter, addressed to his wife, Mrs. Claus (given name unknown), reads as follows:
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Dearest Honeybunny, My annual worldwide trip has not been a success. I managed to give presents to all the good little boys and girls from Greenwich to Newfoundland but, sadly, the rest are up shit creek. Most of western Britain, Spain and whatnot went well. Except for this one kid in Portugal who tinkled in the milk. Remind me to add him to the "naughty" list for next year, dear. The Atlantic flight was uneventful. There was this one cloud that looked just like the toyshop foreman...what's his name? Then I crossed into the US and 'BOOM', they're all over me! Jet fighters were everywhere, they shot at the sleigh...Rudolf is dead, dear. Try to break the news to the rest of the staff gently. The next thing I know, I'm in prison with some masked hoodlums waterboarding me. 'Not torture' indeed! I hope that this message reaches you, my love. Get me the hell out of here! Ho ho ho, Saint Nick |
Three-quarters of the world's good boys and seventy-five percent of the good girls did not receive presents from Santa on Christmas morning, no matter how well behaved they had been for the entire year.
"I was good all <expletive> year, and what do I get? Jack shit! All I got were the presents from my parents and grandparents." complained one little boy, "'Just try to look surprised.' my parents said. <Expletive> that! I got socks from Mom and a sweater from Grandma. How big does she think I am, anyway? Look, I'm swimmin' in this thing!"
The little boy's father agrees, "I didn't get my holiday hooch. Until the relatives get the <expletive> out of our house I have to sit through their whining on one side and my kid's whining on the other...while I'm sober! Oh well. It's only for a few more days. And that sweater really is awful."
