UnNews:Terrorist group claims responsibility for Craig sex scandal

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

7 September 2007

Hamas has also claimed responsibility for the Michael Vick dog fighting scandal, as these damning photos would suggest. Those puppies are soooooo cuuuute. Too bad they were beheaded.

POTATO CITY, Idaho — There have been few recent developments in the sex scandal involving Larry Craig, the Idaho Senator accused of soliciting an undercover pig for sex in an airport restroom in Minneapolis, and UnNews is serving its trivial role in the American news media by reporting the Larry Craig sex scandal ad nauseum.

Larry Craig recently rescinded his claim that he was planning to resign, and clarified that he was planning to resign if he could not defend himself against these charge(s). Craig pleaded guilty to two counts of "vicious gay sex" back in June of this year after he was arrested for "lewd and disorderly conduct" (another term for "vicious gay sex"). The media and other senate members have criticized Craig and many have urged him to step down from his position in office. Despite having had vicious gay sex in a public restroom, Craig has claimed that he is "...not gay."

Interestingly, the terrorist group known as Hamas has recently claimed responsibility for the Larry Craig sex scandal. A Hamas website was noted as asserting: "...Hamas, in the name of Allah, and in an act of martyrdom, perpetuated and instigated the incident that occurred on June 11th, 2007 in that airport bathroom. Praise be to Allah." This comes after weeks of CIA investigations into possible involvement of Hamas in the incident, which were conclusive that Hamas was not involved. A net of $1 billion was spent in the lengthy CIA investigations, to which spokesman Dean Sphincter said, "We believe the money was well spent."

There is a growing list of incidents that Hamas has claimed responsibility for, including Lindsay Lohan's DUI, killing Chris Benoit and his family, and the Holocaust. The CIA is investigating Hamas' possible involvement in the Lindbergh baby kidnapping, of which Hamas has surprisingly not claimed responsibility for. Additionally, the CIA noted that many of Hamas' claims may be, "...legitimate, if not entirely true," but recently acknowledged that Hamas' involvement in a series of mortar attacks in the Israel town of Kiryat Motzkin last weekend is unlikely. Hamas has claimed responsibility for the mortar attacks.