UnNews:Statuary Hall updates collection
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 May 2007
WASHINGTON, D. C. - Statuary Hall, the circular chamber inside the U. S. Capitol building that houses two statues donated by each of the 50 states, is updating its collection of marble figures. Instead of 100 statues, the Hall will contain twice that number by the time Congress reconvenes after this year’s Wicca Winter Solstice Break at the end of December. Like the states’ selections of the original statues, their choices for the new additions is likely to prove controversial.
Statuary Hall originated as a way for each state to commemorate historical figures that each state’s legislature considered important to their history. From the outset, some of the individuals who were selected for the honor proved to be controversial. Virginia elected to include a statue of Robert E. Lee, despite the fact that the Union States considered the commander of the Confederate States of America (CSA) forces a traitor and black Americans believed him to have been both a champion of slavery and a “whoremonger.” Virginia’s other original donation to the Hall, George Washington, was equally contentious, as he owned slaves, by one of the females of whom he may have fathered the country.
The new additions to the chamber are likely to be equally controversial. Massachusetts has decided to contribute a statue of Senator Ted Kennedy and the passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne, whom he drowned in 1969, after, drunk, she was unable to provide the senator with satisfactory fellatio. Although the drunken Kennedy claimed that her death was “accidental,” he was unable to explain why the secretary’s corpse was nude and why his semen was found inside her “oral cavity.” Many citizens of Massachusetts say that they cannot understand why “a murderer” and a “sex offender” was selected as someone worthy of being honored by a sculpture of his likeness in Statuary Hall. “He’s an embarrassment to the state and a threat to women,” one of the senator’s constituents told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “He belongs in prison with his cousin, Michael Skakel, not in Congress.”
Mississippi didn't have much to choose from as far as famous people to honor. No one outside academe (and fewer and fewer even among the resident scholars of the nation's ivory towers) have heard of William Faulkner and there are already numerous statues commemorating drug addict and sometime-rockabilly star Elvis ("The Pelvis") Presley, so, for Mississippi, all who was left of any fame or fortune is bald-headed nudist Britney Spears. "We would like to have made a real contribution to the Hall," the state's governor Haley Barbour complained, "but Reese Witherspoon's from Louisiana and Sarah Michelle Gellar's from New Yawk. Britney's the best we could do."
Arkansas’ selection of Bill Clinton has also angered some of the former president’s fellow Arkansans. “I can see the Smithsonian acquiring Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress,” Martha Good said. “It has real historical value, but why would anyone want to include a statue of a sex pervert and an adulterer in Statuary Hall? I’d rather see a statue of Sam in there. At least, he gave America something of value.” By “Sam,” Good meant Sam Walton, the founder of Wal-mart, she said. “He made lingerie affordable,” she added. “Bill made them superfluous.”
New York’s donation of a statue of hotel heiress Paris Hilton, notorious for her refusal to wear a bra or panties in public, for drunkenness, for her starring role in a sex tape with a former boyfriend, and for her condescending attitude toward jails, generated much debate among citizens of the Empire State. However, one New Yorker, Geoffrey Beck, said he “likes the statue,” which shows a naked Hilton lying supine while her dog frolics at her breast. According to the artist, Daniel Edwards, the statue was created as a “warning” to Hilton that her continued irresponsible partying could lead to her untimely death, for her figure is supposedly a likeness of her corpse during an autopsy. The presence of her dog “intimates bestiality and necrophilia,” two of Paris’ “personal interests.” Reportedly, police are investigating the statue as representing a possible “death threat” against the heiress.
Two of Edwards’ other statues are also being donated to Statuary Hall.
The same artist’s statue of President Senator Hillary Clinton will also be donated, courtesy of New York, for inclusion among the other “notable and quotable” figures in the Capitol chamber. The Clinton bust shows “Hillary’s two biggest assets,” her breasts, which are bared to symbolize “her power” but lack nipples to suggest that “she isn’t a maternal figure who likes to provide milk and bake cookies.”
Edwards’ other statue, Suri Cruise’s Poop, is a likeness of the bronzed feces of Tom Suri Cruise, the daughter of Tom Cruise, who is not gay, and Katie Holmes. Donated by California, it is the only figure, so to speak, in the Capitol’s chamber that represents a sculpture that is “less than human,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who is herself likewise less than human, gushed, “I think it’s darling!”
Asked his opinion of the states’ more controversial statues, President George W. Bush said, “There’s no accounting for taste. The country--or the Supreme Court, at least--elected me, after all.”
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- Lotta Lies "States stir up controversy with bizarre additions to Capitol’s Statuary Hall" Instant News, 32 seconds ago