UnNews:North Pole elves go on strike
Monday, December 11, 2023
NORTH POLE -- The labor movement that has swept the world in 2023 -- including Hollywood writers and actors, auto workers, hotel workers, UPS Teamsters, Washington Post journalists, Amazon workers, Starbucks employees, etc. -- has inevitably made its way to Santa's Workshop. Santa's Elves, represented by The Toymakers Guild of the Arctic, has announced that they, too, are going on strike. The elves cite low pay, Artificial intelligence and environmental concerns that Mr. Claus has failed to address during contract negotiations.
"The fat guy wants AI to take our jobs," says TGA President Jingles, as he puffed on a Cuban cigar and coughed up a lung. "The audacity! He says the bots could make twice as many toys. Sure, but they'd all be shit. We busted our asses to make enough PS5's three years ago! But at least the goddamn things worked."
Chief Negotiator Tinsel chimed in: "He wants to replace the sleigh-and-reindeer with a 1966 Pontiac GTO! Not even electric! I mean, that's one way to use the coal we're not giving the naughty kids. And the four headlights are bright enough to put poor Rudolph out of work forever, and his pension is shit."
Tinsel predicts that the reindeer will join them on the picket lines when their own contract expires soon.
"The Reindeer are pissed. Blitzen was supposed to retire this year, but he's waiting until everyone's P&H improves. 87 percent of the reindeer don't make enough to qualify for health insurance, and they desperately need new hooves after paying their dues for the past 400 years. We're on our... 300th Blitzen, I think, and he doesn't have any heirs. He and Vixen could never conceive. I think we might end up with two Donners or two Comets when they all retire after we get a fair contract."
But these are only the nine famous reindeer. Most of the Reindeers (sic) Guild of the Arctic are working-class, rank-and-file character reindeer nobody's ever heard of, such as Robbie and Olive. Perhaps the most famous second-tier reindeer is Bambi, who joined the guild after retiring as an actor in 2013. "Even Walt Disney paid me better than this lard-ass!" he says of Santa.
Another major concern for elves concerns streaming. "Because everybody streams now," Tinsel reasons, "we've had to make less DVDs and Blu-rays. And we get lower residuals as a result of it. The business model just doesn't work. Marty, here, once only made a penny, and Murray over there once only made a negative-penny. Literally -1 cent."
"Besides," adds Jingle, "Where are people gonna get their Blu-rays and DVDs once Best Buy stops selling them?"
"They'll probably come back," predicts Murray. "Just look at records."