UnNews:Lawrence Land to celebrate author's "literature of lewdness"

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15 April 2007

Statue of the author at the entrance to Lawrence World

CHATHAM - In Chatham, England, the soon-to-open Charles Dickens Theme Park, which promises guests a Great Expectations Boat Ride and Ye Olde Curiosity Gift Shoppe, has inspired American expatriate Sean Handy to open a similar amusement park dedicated to the honor and memory of the more risqué American author, D. H. Lawrence.

The British theme park, Dickens World, is a 62-million pound complex built in the same navy yard in which young Charles’ father clerked. Prince Charles, who was instrumental in banning McDonald's from opening one of its fast-food franchises in the park, due to the Irish “tone” of its name, predicts that 300,000 visitors will crowd the park each year.

Queen Elizabeth says she will not permit the park to “Disneyfy Dickens.” However, some British citizens contend that the park’s developers have already done just that by “installing a Fagin’s Den Playground, among other so-called attractions.” In addition, many of the country’s stiff-upper-lip citizens are outraged at the thought that characters from the novels of their country’s “second-favorite author, after William Shakespeare, of course,” such as Uriah Heap, Tiny Tim, Oliver Twist, and Mr. Pickwick “will wander around the park the way Goofy and Mickey Mouse walk the highways and byways of Disneyland.”

Hardy’s theme park, to be built in Uranus, Wisconsin, will celebrate Lawrence’s “literature of lewdness,” featuring “sex scenes” from such major works as the author’s Women In Love, Aaron’s Rod, Sons and Lovers, and Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Instead of the animatronics figures that Disneyland uses and which Dickens World intends to employ, Lawrence Land, as the park is to be called, will feature live actresses and models.

The Women In Love attraction will “star” actresses Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair, famous for their lesbian liplock in Crude Intentions.

Tom Cruise and an as-yet-to-be-named “co-star” will appear in Aaron’s Rod, the latter word of which is a euphemism for the penis, an attraction dedicated to the same-sex attraction that Lawrence felt for the farm boy with whom he had a brief affair while married to Frieda. Cruise will repeat various lines written by Lawrence, such as “"I would like to know why nearly every man that approaches greatness tends to homosexuality, whether he admits it or not” and “"I believe the nearest I've come to perfect love was with a coal-miner when I was about sixteen.”

Reese Witherspoon will portray Lady Chatterley, and, it is rumored, that her lover will be either Will Smith or Eddie Murphy, because the park’s developers want to “inject a little interracial controversy” into the author’s magnum opus "for fun and profit." The lover will tempt Witherspoon Chatterley, encouraging her to “Be a good animal, true to your instincts” and “Moon me with thy most luminous moon.”

Reportedly, Steven Spielberg (or maybe it’s Stephen King) is considering opening a similar park devoted to another great literary light, Oscar Wilde.

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