UnNews:Kenyans ill in 'toxic flatulence' leak

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 March 2008

Two children look on in disapproval as Unnews photographer Gary "lets one go".

MOMBASA, Kenya -- Hundreds of people near the Kenyan port of Mombasa have fallen ill after a local market began selling batches of curried yak-meat nearby. Witnesses told Unnews that a few market stalls started selling curried yak meat a month ago after which people started to notice a "rancid smell" eminating around some suburbs of the city.

UnNews reporter Charles Woggolly in Mombasa reported that two women living in a slum have complained of "excessive digestive wind expulsions" and "explosive bowel movements" that have "lasted days". Other slum residents have been seen walking around holding their noses and being sick.

Gas sourced from the areas affected have traces of nitric acid, an environmental official says, which is a clear sign of "acute flatulance bought on by excessive consumption of curried yak".

UnNews's Oggiobuggahsam Lordy says he also experienced breathing difficulties and a stomach upset after visiting the area, "at first I thought there was a brass band visiting or some such, but the smell suggested otherwise", he said from his death bed this morning.

Mombasa's Deputy Mayor Fred McBohnny has confirmed that the concentrated consumption of curried yak is suspected to be to blame but would not confirm any findings until he was furnished with report by the National Environmental Mismanagement Authority (NEMA). Harry Shitt, the director of environment at the Mombasa Municipal Council (MMC), says samples of the gas have been sent to the government dentist for identification but would not elaborate on suggestions that the problem could be sourced to the curried yak.

Mr Shitt does however say that "these gases are evidently extremely toxic and more than 1,500 villagers have been treated for various illnesses caused by these nasty fart emissions".

Alarmingly, it is thought that the potent fart gases are also said to be destroying property, corroding the metalsheets used to build houses and melting anything made of plastic. Additionally acid from excretiate (shit) seems to have entered the latrine systems, causing poo poo to leak everywhere!

Sources

• pphhhhssssst "paaaAAAARrrrrrp" jesus wept, March 13, 2008