UnNews:Kansas allows Evolution to be taught after scientist provides compelling evidence
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16 February 2007
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TOPEKA, Kansas (UnNews) - The Kansas State Board of Education accepted new evolution friendly science standards after the compelling testimoney of a scientist who claims to have proven evolution to be a fact once and for all. The evidence was presented in the forms of photographs, videotape, and in one case a live specimen. This evidence is the strongest put forth yet since Darwin wrote the Origin of Species almost 150 years ago.
The research has been carried out by evolutionary biologist and inventor Doctor Emmett Brown and his research assistant Martin McFly. Dr. Brown started to research evolution shortly after he invented the time machine in October of 1985. A devout Christian, Brown was first skeptical of evolution but decided he needed to find out the truth once and for all. He and his assistant Marty travelled first to Pleistocene Africa in the year 987,273 BC to see if humans existed. Marty had bet Doc 50 dollars that there were humans alive at this time. Doc insisted that the first humans were created only 6,000 years ago and they would find no people. Doc was later proven wrong when they encountered a tribe of Homo erectus.
Despite their image as vicious cavemen, the Homo erectus tribe proved to be quite hospitable and both Doc and Marty ended up marrying Homo erectus women. Doc and his wife "Clara" ended up having two sons together, Jules and Verne. Marty and his wife "Jennifer" have a son, Marty Jr. and a daughter, Marlene. Asked by the Judge how he could stick it to a woman with a face that looks like it was run over by a truck, Doc Brown had this to say "Anatomically Homo sapiens and Homo erectus are very similar, it can even be argued that we are variants of the same species, we're obviously compatible. The only difference between us and them lies in the face and I just look at my hot cavegirl's body when I fuck the guts out of her. I just don't look at her face". McFly added "All I do is put a paper bag over her head, draw a maple leaf on it, and do it for the country" (McFly is Canadian). Asked why they prefer Homo erectus to more modern forms of human, both men replied that cavewomen don't have all the sexual hangups that women have today and that they are unbelievable in bed. "You just don't know until you've had one" Marty said of Homo erectus women. Marty's girlfriend "Jennifer" was also in court which provided the evolutionists further evidence of human evolution. Brown even argued that his two sons, Jules and Verne, could be used as an example of the missing link.
In addition to proving human evolution once and for all, Doc and Marty also answered some other serious questions by scientists regarding the evolution of life. They discovered that a meteor really did kill the dinosaurs although everyone already knew that. The Permian Mass Extinction was actually caused by Global warming, an argument that was quickly dismissed by Republicans on the board. The Cambrian explosian, which is often used by creationists as proof of the sudden appearance of life, was found out to be complete bullshit. Animals were discovered to have been alive for over 700 million years. Hundreds of hours of documented footage was shot by Doc and Marty spanning from the origin of life (which Doc and Marty had to don spacesuits in) to the Pleistocene in Africa about one million years ago. Scientists around the world are calling it the greatest scientific discovery of the 21st century.
Creationists around the country are abandoning their beliefs in droves as the video and physical evidence can not be ignored. Doc Brown is even offering time tours in the DeLorean to anyone who doubts his theories. Some creationists though, have experienced extreme mental distress upon hearing news of Doc Brown's discovery. Pat Robertson was rushed to the emergency room by his son Ann Coulter when he tried to OD on oxycontin pills which were supplied to him by friend Rush Limbaugh. Coulter said that his father is crushed by this new evidence and is deeply distressed that his whole life has been a lie. Robertson has since recovered from the OD but remains under suicide watch in the mental ward.
Although their discoveries are causing a lot of distress among devout Christians in America, Doc and Marty believe they are doing the right thing. Now evolution can be freely taught in classrooms without the interference of right wing religious nutjobs but they can make a lot of money as well. Doc Brown insists though that money was not the motivating factor behind inventing the time machine, "I didn't invent the time machine for financial gain, I invented the time machine to travel through time". Brown and McFly plan to release a documentary about their travels through Earth's History called Back to the Cambrian, the documentary also features a 30 minute interview with Charles Darwin at his home in England in the year 1860. After the Board of Education allowed evolution to be taught, Doc Brown offered them a time trip in the DeLorean. The board members choose to visit Pompeii in 78 AD, one year before Vesuvius destroyed it, to engage in sexual orgies. One member replied "Since we don't believe in the Bible anymore, I can do whatever I want, I'm going to fuck my brains out".
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Dr. Emmett Brown and Marty McFly "Evolution proven once and for all" Third World Time Traveller, February 16, 2007