UnNews:Irony strikes in ant-related massacre
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 January 2010
TOLEDO, Ohio -- A study shows that nearly 60% of male children between the ages of 4-8 and have at least attempted to torture insects residing near their homes in one way or another. Whether it be from matches, salt, knives, magnifying glasses, or old tube socks, children everywhere have sought pleasure in brutally slaying insects nearby. Studies also show that nearly 20% of females in the same age area have considered purchasing the latest Barbie doll.
However, for one Ohio boy, Timmy Matthews, this attempt for fun turned into something horribly wrong.
"It all started with the usual," said neighbor Jack Penn. "He ran outside, screaming, yelling, making gun noises.... all while trying to eat Lucky Charms and Fruit Loops simultaneously. You get used to that sort of crap; eventually you start to lose the urge to blow the kid's fucking head off instead slip into insanity. It's actually a rather pain-free process, considering you buy the right medication." Jack and other witnesses report that the screaming child then proceeded to do whatever it was; they didn't really care because they had already put on their ear plugs and had entered the rooms in their homes with sound-proof walls. "Yeah, we pretty much built them because of that kid. It cost me almost a years-worth of salary, but let me tell you it's worth it." said Jack.
What happened next was unclear. No one knows exactly what happened, however crime scene investigators are certain that Fire ants, the most dangerous species of ant in the world, were the ones provoked to attack Timmy in the late afternoon. They ran across the yard in thousands, and Timmy, trying to escape, was too fat to evade the annoyed ants and met his gruesome fate. All that was left of him was some of his bones.
"That kid must have been a real dumbass," said one investigator. "I mean, those fire ants are like three inches long. What kind of kid would mess around with some fucking bug that is three inches long?" Another investigator also said, "You know that weird scene from the stupid Indiana Jones, with all of the ants that rip the guy's flesh off? Yeah, those were the same ants that ripped up Timmy here," the investigator said while pointing at the few remains of Timmy. "I mean, that even ate some of his bones! How cool is that?"
Timmy's brother, Todd, saw part of the incident. "It was traumatizing." he said. "They just... went.... you know..... uh..... can I have my bagel now?" Todd went off to his room and the began listening to The Jonas Brothers.
Timmy's dad was quoted saying: "Meh, I don't really care. As far as I'm concerned, I'm better off because I don't have to pay for his meds anymore, and I don't have to get all of his crap cereal. It's about time he died, the world is a much better place without him. Say, speaking of money, wanna buy some ear plugs? I have them at the lowest prices in town, thanks to that kid."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- John Birch "Ants underestimated, one dead" The Toledo Irritable Bowel, January 27, 2010