UnNews:Global warming to transform men into women
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
23 April 2007
THUNDER DOWN UNDER, AUSTRALIA - If Dr. Alexander Quinn’s theory is correct, men may be becoming an endangered species, so to speak, who become extinct by the 22nd century. “Global warming,” she warned, “is turning male dragon lizards into females, and the same fate could befall human males”--Quinn’s phrase for men--“if the planet’s climate continues to warm.”
According to Quinn, however, high temperatures can and do change dragon lizards’ sex before they hatch, transforming “boy lizards” into “girl lizards.” Warmer-than-usual temperatures, she contends, have an “emasculating effect.” She theorizes that warmer temperatures activate a gene on the male sex chromosome, causing what she calls “chemical sex-reassignment” or “chromosomal sex-change.” As a result, the transsexual lizards look like girls and have female organs, but remain “chromosomal males.”
To replicate her findings, Quinn turned up the heat in her laboratory’s incubators, subjecting male lizards’ eggs to heat increases of up to 1000 degrees Fahrenheit. “We really grilled the bastards,” she told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. Nearly 100 percent of the fried lizard eggs resembled female lizards. “High temperatures during embryonic development prevented the males’ DNA from triggering testicular development because the extreme heat cooked a protein that is essential to this process.”
“This explains a lot,” transsexual educator Donna Hagen said. “For years, we’ve been seeing a feminization of America, as more and more boys look, act, and even dress like girls. California’s governor, who remains relatively macho even though he has entered politics, contends that the educational system is responsible for the production of what he calls ‘girly men.’ He blames the disproportionate number of female teachers, who serve as the state’s role models for public school students; the promotion of gay, lesbian, and transgender rights; and the use of Ritalin to, as he says, ‘subdue the natural sex drive of the male,’ which causes men like him to grope women in public rather than to shake their hands for the cause of ‘so many sissies’ in his state. Now, we know the truth: there are so many girly boys in California because of the sunny disposition of the Golden State.”
Even before Quinn’s discovery, which has earned her a nominations for the prestigious Foolitzer Prize, scientists were concerned about how Al Gore’s global warming might effect the sex ratios of test tube aliens and teenage mutant ninja turtles, for which temperature alone determines the sex of the offspring. Quinn’s colleagues were concerned that rising global temperatures could cause male crocodiles, komodo dragons, snakes, lizards, and frogs to become extinct by the end of this century. “Now,” Quinn said, rubbing her hands together with glee, “we must add the human male to the list of endangered species as well!”
Former vice-president Al Gore, who created global warming shortly after completing his invention of the Internet, is reportedly “elated” at Quinn’s discovery. Wearing a pearl necklace, a powder blue dress, and pumps, he dabbed eye shadow onto his eyelids while he addressed Quinn’s findings. “I’m elated,” he said. “Now, maybe conservatives will take my predictions seriously.” Among other unlikely incidents, Gore predicted that global warming would result in “the increased feminization of men, not just nationally, but internationally as well.”
President George W. Bush, sporting a red, white, and blue "presidential gown" with a full skirt and blue high heels, said, “Like the Internet, global warming is nothing more than a figment of Al Gore’s imagination.”
“All I can say,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi remarked, “is that Barack O’Bama looks better in sequins than Hillary Clinton. He wears pink better, too.”
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- Lotta Lies "Transsexuals delight in global warming’s sex-change potential" Instant News, 33 seconds ago