UnNews:CBS nervous over potential Super Bowl Nippocalypse

It's a very vivid nightmare.

31 January 2013
NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana -- Nine years after Janet Jackson caused a firestorm by exposing a fraction of her nipple for a fraction of a second in front of millions, adding up to a sum of hundreds of thousands of full nipples televised for ten seconds, CBS fears the worst for this weekend's Super Bowl. While the 2004 incident still lingers in the network's subconscious, CBS isn't worried about the mere halftime show, which is expected to be phoned in by Beyoncé. No, what has the preferred network of old farts urinating in their high-up trousers is the entire spectacle. Super Bowl XLVII will take place at the worst possible time in the worst possible place.

New Orleans during the Mardi Gras season.

"This is a disaster," cried CBS president Leslie Moonves. "Why did it have to be New Orleans? There will be nipples everywhere! An absolute flood of bare breasts! Hurricane Katrina will look like a spilled glass of water compared to the sea of titties! It's my worst nightmare come true!"

CBS demanded last year that it was their turn to televise the biggest party masquerading as a sporting event of the year, unaware that it would coincide with the boob-flashing capital of North America during the grandest of Cajun hedonist traditions. Once releasing they shot themselves in the foot, CBS attempted to negotiate with the National Football League to relocate the Super Bowl to somewhere a bit more conservative, with no success. CBS is hoping the presence of the San Francisco 49er fans might help the situation, because, you know. The best the network could do to weather this mess was to pay GoDaddy not to run any ads, to the disappointment of NASCAR fans everywhere wanting to see Danica Patrick do something amusing and sexy.

Meanwhile, also foreseeing a frenzy of flashed breasts, the Federal Communications Commission is planning a huge office Super Bowl/retirement party. The festivities will be complete with expensive drinking games, such as taking a shot of Screaming Eagle wine for every exposed tit to celebrate the $550,000 outgoing indecency fine.

While Mardi Gras precedes Lent, the powers that be at CBS have found religion early out of fear that this is to be some form of divine retribution. As you are reading this, Moonves is on his knees bargaining with his Jewish God of mercy that he will immediately put Two and a Half Men out of its misery and personally kick Chuck Lorre in the nads if they all make it through this.

While we at UnNews feel the deepest sympathy for CBS, we can only frolic in celebration of not living under the oppressive thumb of a censorship overlord. In that spirit, here's a taste of what we're hoping to experience on Sunday for your unfairly presumed heterosexual male enjoyment: