UnNews:Bears shit in the woods, scientists baffled

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6 June 2006

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We can safely say that this bear does not shit in the woods.

ITHICA, New York -- In a landmark study by Cornell University's Biology Department, headed by Professor Prometheus Larksvomite, the age old question, "Does a bear shit in the woods?" has been resolved. Larksvomite holds a chair at Cornell as an Conjunct Professor of Biology, specializing in the area of Ursine Scatology or bear's poop. His research has been ongoing since 1974, when the GAO (Government Accounting Office) first took bids on this important project, mysteriously called The Bear Poop Project. He commented on this historical find in an exclusive interview with UnNews:

"Since before the discovery of bears in the Neolithic Age, Man has looked up to the heavens with wonder and awe. When he did so, he frequently stepped into some shit or other, because he wasn't paying attention to where he was going, what with all that staring up at the sky. Anthropologists, who study old caves with paintings on them, believe that the invention of language by our ancestors was partly motivated by the need to identify said shit. Bears were a deadly enemy to man, and it was imperative for his survival that he could identify whether shit found in the woods was indeed bear shit. Thus came the eternal question, "Did the bear shit in the woods or in a cave?" Contemporary Ursine Scatologists have reduced the experession by leaving off the part about the cave, using Formal Logic and Cryogenics."

At a cost of 78 billion dollars, this study is the most expensive ever, related to either bears or shit, or a combination of both. Scoffers say this study proves nothing except how to spend our tax dollars badly. Congressman Barry Sphincter of the Toad Hall district in Maryland said, "This a damned outrage! First the American people are bamboozled by those phony Moon landings, then this crap about desegregation with whites and blacks mixing, and now this tragic waste of our precious taxes to prove bears shit in the woods? Who didn't know that?"

Apparently, scientists didn't know that, because a majority polled at a deli around the corner were surprised by the findings. "What, do I look like the outdoor type?", said Calvin Pederast, graduate student of physics, replete with pocket protector, geeky glasses, and stumbling gait. "I mean, Jesus! How stupid are you anyway, asking me about bear shit?" Others like Dr. Manuel Strangulatione, visiting professor of chemistry from Innuendo, Italy, were astonished. Said Stranglatione, in a rather bad accent, "Dis is-a some kine o weird stuff, no? We not see no bears in Italy since-a Mussolini round dem up for target-a practice. I'm-a vera surprise."