UnNews:'Was Gatsby really great?' asks ninth grader

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Saturday, June 29, 2019

14-year-old kid questions Gatsby's greatness.

NEWARK, New Jersey -- A student at Richard Nixon High School has a few questions and critiques about F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic 1925 novel, The Great Gatsby.

Marty Fishman, 14, spoke in Bob Lardass's class about the pre-Depression book and its title character's fate.

"Not only was the book boring as hell," Fishman said, "but if [Jay] Gatsby was so great, why'd he get shot at the end? Why didn't he have a gun? I would have pulled out two AK's and annihilated his ass. It's not like he couldn't afford one."

Mr. Lardass explained that the novel predated assault rifles like the AK-47 by almost a quarter century, and even then, they were used by the Soviets.

"Fair point. But couldn't he at least get his hands on an old-school Remington rifle like they used in the Civil War?"

"He saw no reason to," Lardass lectured him. "He didn't have a single enemy, as far as he knew. Not until it was too late and George Wilson shot him."

"And doesn't Mr. Wilson have better things to do like deliver mail or get annoyed with Dennis?"

His confusion of Gatsby's assassin with Dennis the Menace's grumpy neighbor prompted uproarious laughs from the class. Lardass called order, in his best Morgan Freeman voice.

"I bet you didn't even read the book."

"I didn't," the student admitted, "I saw the stupid, boring Leonardo DiCaprio movie. Almost as boring as Romeo and Juliet. Or Titanic. T2 is still Cameron's best movie."

"Can't argue with that," Lardass resigned. "But you're still getting an F."

Sources[edit]

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