UnNews:"Ipswich Ripper - The Musical" outrages the media

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 January 2007

Poster for Ipswich Ripper - The Musical

Ipswich - ENGLAND - A media frenzy has surrounded the premier of a musical based on the infamous Ipswich Ripper. Premiering tonight at Ipswich Crown Court, Ipswich Ripper - The Musical has outraged not just passing woodlouses, but also the gutter press who look for any opportunity to go into a fit of moral panic.

This show follows in the footsteps of other serial killers turned West End superstars that have earned the wrath of the tabloids. The likes of Jack the Ripper, Myra Hindley, Peter Sutcliffe, Fred West, Adolf Hitler, and Harold Shipman (before his untimely death) have all wowed the public and enraged moralising do-gooders alike with their own stage adaptations of their heinous crimes.

Director of the show Thurston Lowe described the show as an attempt to let the chief suspect Steve Wright give his side of the story. "I think that Steve has been unfairly maligned for what, let's face it, is a perfectly common occurrence for many jumped up media types. I can't think of one Fleet Street editor who hasn't been under suspicion for at least some sort of serial mass murder of prostitutes."

Racing pundit with stupid hair and no fashion sense turned moral crusader John McCririck, is the show's most high-profile detractor. He was also the biggest personality who vociferously condemned Sutcliffe - The Musical which burst in to West End theatres in 1981, and he condemns this latest so-called theatrical nasty as just another cheap publicity stunt to make a barrel full of cash before Wright {sic} "...rots away in a prison cell, being eating by rabid rats infected with... Bad AIDS... while he screams like a bitch... Now I'd pay good money to watch that."

Wright was taken into custody by men dressed as antelopes at the ASDA supermarket in Harrow, claiming they were members of a vigilante group protecting mass murderers of prostitutes. Suffolk Police deny this was a so-called 'honeytrap' to entrap Wright, who was later arrested for talking to these fucking nutcases under the latest 'Terrorism' Act.

Wright, giving an interview from his heavily guarded rabbit hutch at an undisclosed location, exclusively told UnNews reporter Li Ying Git, "It's always been my ambition to be a star on stage. Although the circumstances aren't exactly ideal, this is a great chance to relaunch my career that flopped after calling Baby Jesus an "illegitimate cockswinging cunt" in a school nativity play. I thought my career was a rotting corpse destined to lie abandoned next to the A14 until this job cropped up. My only regret is that the call girls aren't around to take centre stage with me."

He also protested his innocence of the crimes he's been charged with, "This is just a fit up, I swear. Everyone knows the editor of the Ipswich Chronicle did it, but everyone's too scared to tell the truth. Yeh, I was mates with half those working girls, but someone's got to keep them company. I can't see why people are so scared to say he pinched their hubcaps and syphoned a bit of Four-Star out of one of their Vauxhall Novas. That is what I'm being charged with isn't it?"

Tickets for this extraordinary extravaganza of sex, mass murder, and out-of-tune singing have been like gold dust. One member of the jury has already been charged with Perverting the Course of Justice when she sold her jury duty for £245 to a massive Wright fan on eBay. To get a ticket one must be a lawyer, a judge, a member of the press, a cleaner, or someone with a bloody good bulldozer to knock down one of the courtroom walls. Local bulldozer hire firms have reported a surge in demand for anything that can tear down a courtroom. An owner of a hire shop, who didn't wish to be named, told our UnNews reporters that he "...can't wait for the next serial killer to strike and then open a musical. The business has been phenomenal."

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service, the promoters of the show, even considered moving the premier to the Portman Road football ground, but decided to hold proceedings in the Crown Court to "maintain the electric atmosphere that can only be generated by the intimate surroundings Ipswich Crown Court offers".