UnBooks:The Lightning Thief
Chapter 1: In Which I Stick a Sword Up a Grandma's Butt
My name is Percocet "Perky" Jackson, but you can call me Perky, or Percy. My dad, ok, STEP-dad, Gabe Smell-Butt named me Percocet just because he is so mean and smelly. My mom is super hot, but for some reason she still at least pretends to like this guy who throws cigarettes at her. Anyway, Gabe keeps his beers in my room so whenever I get home from school I just get drunk. I'm talking REALLY drunk. Flat on the floor, vomiting in the air, that kind of drunk. Life in New York City sure is something!
Anyway today is the big day: I'm going to a museum! My lame old man teacher, Mr. Grunter, is this guy in a wheelchair who is really slow and heavily nerfed as he can't go up or down stairs. Well, actually he can go down them, but that's half the reason why he is in the wheelchair currently. Mr Grunter took me and my class on the bus, but uh oh, looks like the three chaperones we were required to take are the three worst ones in all East Side NYC! Hagatha, Gruntula, and Diabola were their names, and they were always together, whether it was policing the cafeteria with metal rulers ready to knock the heads of unsuspecting students, or patrolling the gym court, with suspension slips already filled out for anyone having "too much fun."
Luckily for me, my best friend as able to come along! I call him sheep-boy on account of him constantly bleating like one of those woolly mammals, but he likes to claim his real name is Grover. That sounds suspiciously like a weird garden plant you'd find at the Home Depot, so I just stick to calling him sheep-boy.
Anyways, we get to the museum, and the whole class gets a good laugh at some naked dudes up on a 'stele', which is like a tall rock thing. The three evil hags all give me the stink eye(s) when I show Mr. Grunter what a good student I am by demonstrating my high level of Greek mythology knowledge, going into depth about how Cronus ate his kids.
Afterwards, me and sheep-boy head outside to get some lunch. Some fat chick tries to make fun of me, and steps on sheep-boy's Cheetos, which makes me so mad, that I envision her getting a swirly from a giant toilet. Next thing I know, she's head first in the fountain as it gives her a swirly! Woah, that's real weird, I should probably go talk to Mr. Grunter about that! But just as I go to find him, the three hags appear in front of me, demanding that I go 'serve punishment in the fields of Asphodel' or something along those lines. By the way, I'm dyslexic which means I'm autistic but undiagnosed. I think. I wasn't listening to whatever it was the doctor had told me.
All the sudden, the hags turn into actual hags! Which isn't to say like they got any scarier or uglier, they just sort of lit themselves on fire. I was about to ask if they needed me to call 911 or get a bucket of water, when Mr. Grunter wheels himself into the room and throws a pen at me. "What ho!" he yelled as he launched the projectile straight into my eye. "OW!" I yelled. I fell backwards and managed to grab a hold of the pen, ready to throw it back at the misfiring old octogenarian. As the pen cap fell off, suddenly it turned into a sword! I barely had a second to realize what was going on before one of the hags (who had somehow sprouted bat wings) descended from the heavens on top of me. Desperate to not get old hag residue on me, I shoved my hand upwards to fend her off, forgetting I was holding a sword now. Hagatha the hag disintegrated into golden dust with a shriek as the sword went straight up her butt. Wow! The other two hags saw this, and bum-rushed me like the noobs always do in the video games I play with sheep-boy. I swept the sword to the left, then to the right, and busted the other two hags apart like gold-filled pinatas!
I quickly ran outside to 1), ask Mr. Grunter what the Hades he thought he was doing throwing a pen into my eye, and 2), summon the authorities to clean up the hag-dust littering the museum. When attempting to ask for help however, my classmates appeared to have gotten hold of fent during my time with the hags, as they all seemed to be lost in the sauce. Mr. Grunter only acknowledged me with a "Ah, that's my pen you stupid boy, give it back! I need it for my Sudoku."
Worst museum trip. Maybe ever. And just as we're finally leaving this place, I see some MORE old grandmas across the street, staring at me all mean-like as they sew some thread. I never knew grandmas could be so mean looking! Bet they put rat poison in the cookies they give to their grand kids. One of them suddenly cuts whatever it was they were sewing in half, and sheep-boy gets all moany and groany saying how it 'signifies my death'. Get a grip you piece of lamb-chop!
Chapter 2: In Which I Crash My Stepdad's Sports Car and My Mom Roleplays as a Pinata
When I finally arrive home, Gabe is asking mom for more dip. Gabe loves dip, I mean, if he wasn't already married to my mom, he'd probably be married to a bowl of dip. Dip, dip, dip. My mom appears in the doorway my room, lightly coated in various dip ingredients, and says "we're going to the beach!" Mom pockets the keys to Gabe's sick whip, and we're on our way to a change of smells. From NYC to Montauk. Well, actually both places smell like garbage, but one has Smell-Butt Gabe and the other doesn't. Turns out sheep-boy gets to come along to, which makes it a sleepover! I wish he'd stop calling my mom hot though, and it really bugs me when he keeps chewing on my shoes. They're full of holes already, but now it looks like I've been attacked by a rogue goat.
It's only the first night when suddenly a freak hurricane shows up and puts a stop to the fun. We pile back into the car, and drive back to NYC. Its then that I notice sheep-boy got some cool cosmetic surgery and had his feet replaced with horse hooves or something. Neat! Halfway there though, WHAMMO! Zeus just decides to drop one of his iconic attacks on Gabe's prized vehicle, blowing it to pieces. Somehow we all survive, but sheep-boy gets hit on the head with a flying rock and is knocked out. Always told the dummy to watch for flying rocks but he'd just tell me "Percy, be serious for once." Who's being serious now flying-rock-to-the-head-boy?
As we crawl from the wreckage of what might have once been a Pontiac Sports car, we see in the distance this really angry cow coming at us! Only this cow is real tall, and less like a cow and more like a buff dude. No, wait it's literally just a buff dude with a cow mask and horns. Cow-bro runs up, grabs my mom, and squeezes her until she pops like a pinata, except instead of blood and human bits, she turns into confetti! Was my mom a robot? A pinata? I have little time to think before my instincts kick in and I kick Cow-bro in the nuts, rip off one of his horns, and stab him in the chest with it. After a lot of moo-ing, bellowing, and "it was just a prank, bro"--ing, he to turns to dust, and then I black out.
Chapter 3: In Which I Go to a Concentration Camp and My Dad Finally Returns From Buying the Milk
When I wake up, I'm told that A) I'm a mutant alien, and B) I'm at a concentration camp for said mutant aliens under the guise of of it being a summer camp. Also, turns out Mr. Grunter is a horse, which explains why he was so bad with stairs and why he always got flustered whenever we mentioned "glue" around him. My dad is apparently absent from my life, which is odd because I thought Smell-Butt Gabe was my dad. According to Mr. Grunter, he isn't quite outer-space alien material, so they believe it must be someone else, like E.T. or perhaps Alf.
The camp counselor then shows up, and man he's drunk! The guy is literally covered in grapes and claims he's the "god of wine." You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard Smell-Butt Gabe's friends profess to be the "god of x or y alcohol." They then send me to go check out the camp with this blonde chick. Wow, she's hot. Like real hot. Burn-your-eys-out-with-a-red-hot-poker-hot. She would be even hotter if it didn't look like she wanted to put a dagger in my throat. Her name is Bananabeth, and she says she's the daughter of Athleta or something. Since my real dad is busy buying cigarettes at the store or whatever it is that deadbeat dads do, I'm assigned to the "ratchet house", where al the losers and weirdos go. Apparently this house is ruled by a guy with wings on his feet and a talking walking stick. Great. Love it when I'm automatically sorted into the weirdo category. Just another day in the life of Percocet Jackson!
A lot of things happen at the camp. In one instance, this mean girl who's dad is a pig tries to bring me into the girl's bathroom. Me, being a gentleman, try to prevent her from doing this by activating the toilets' auto-flush system with my mind. How I did that, I don't know, but pig-girl got covered in poo and other stuff, and she swore vengeance. Gulp. Another thing I did was put some of my food into a fireplace. Some starving kids in Africa could have eaten that, but I guess our space moms and dads really like the smell of burnt food. Mr. Grunter says that they used to sacrifice other things, but that the space aliens got sick of smelling burnt gym sock.
Finally, the big event of the summer: "Capture the Flag/Kill Your Fellow Campers." I'm sentenced to work with the hot blonde girl (Yay!), but she thinks I'm another idiot so she has me camp on the flag like some kind of beta player. Me, being the alpha elite hacker that I am, decide to ignore this order and do some sneaking into enemy territory. Suddenly, pig-dad girl appears and stabs me with her cattle prod! OUCH? That hurt, and now I've got a hole in me too because she accidentally poked too hard. Whoops I guess, looks like the end of Percocet Jackson: kid wonder and human barbecue. Banananabeth runs up, and is SO mad that I left my position that she spartan kicks me into the river. That probably would have actually killed me if not for my dad suddenly finding his credit card at the store, finishing his purchase of the milk, and returning home to find his kid being kicked into a river with a hole in his chest. Daddy-o puts this cool hologram above me as I'm about to die from blood loss, embarrassment, drowning, and extreme bodily harm, and uses the power of H2O to heal me! Guess who my dad is? That's right, the Kool-Aid Man.
Everyone is real respectful of me now since my dad is the all powerful lord of juice and liquids, but they are also confused since Kool-Aid Man, Zeus, and Hades all agreed to keep their pants zipped up a lot of years ago, yet here I am. Uh oh.
Chapter 4: In Which I Am Given the Boot and I Practice Domestic Terrorism with the Help of 3 Hags
Mr. Grunter is real pissed that I even exist, as he is one of the descendants of the big electrical man in the sky who for once in his many years of existence, actually managed to keep it in his pants per the deal. Grunter is so mad that he exiles me from the camp, but not before making me talk to yet another hag that he keeps in his attic. What's with the Greeks and old hags? This hag is less crazy flaming old lady, and more like dusty old mummy, but she manages to croak out that the great sky electrician claims that Kool-Aid-Man stole one of his lightning bolts using Percy, and that it needs to be given back. Wait a minute, how does one even steal lightning? What did I do, walk up with a really big battery and just take all his electricity? Guy's an idiot! Mr. Grunter claims that the lord of fire and dirt, Hades, probably took it to start a big war because that's what siblings do best. As I'm exiled from camp, I manage to knock out Bananabeth and sheep-boy and place them into my duffel bags. I need sheep-boy for help on my quest, and as for Bananabeth... well, what good is a quest if there's no love interest?
Well anyway, we got on the bus and get going towards... oh man I really don't know! Los Angeles I think. I'm on the no-fly list so that's why we aren't just flying there and being done with this. The three of us are just chilling on the bus (Bananabeth is still unconscious so she hasn't been able to beat me to death yet), when suddenly, the three hag chaperones appear just chilling in the bus! Oh no, how did they even get in here? Everyone knows old people are too far gone to be able to understand the ticketing machines! I was pretty sure that I turned them into Cheeto dust back in the city, but I guess evil like that doesn't stay dead for long. Or maybe someone put them back together out of all their little pieces like the world's hardest and evilest jigsaw puzzle, but I find that hard to believe. I had punched Mr. Grunter in the chest really hard and stolen his pen-sword before we left camp, so I used that in my battle with the demon grannies by just swinging it madly about. Sheep-boy just threw cans and stuff at them, with little to no effect.
Thankfully due to my amazing combat skills, we all survived, with the only casualties being the bus as it got exploded thanks to me severing a gas line with my flailing. Oops, that's not gonna look good on TV. We ran way from all the onlookers with their cameras out and filming, who thought we were junior terrorists. We continued to scurry off the road and into a nearby forest. After wandering around lost for a few hours, we stumbled upon the most decrepit McDonald's I had ever seen, and believe me, I've seen decrepit. I mean, I do live right near New Jersey! It seemed to only be inhabited by the souls of long dead fries and painfully flat soda, but turns out it was also inhabited by a snake monster that turned people into cement garden gnomes, but I whip out my pen-sword and slice her head off, just like that! Neat! Time to put her head in a box and mail it to the space aliens for a really funny prank.
Chapter 5: In Which I Kill a Puppy and Set a High Diving Record
What a mess we made back at that weird gnome-themed McDonalds! Time to get going I guess before the liberal media gets wind of me murdering yet another elderly member of our dysfunctional society. Like all people looking for a free way to travel, we sneak onto a train and live the hobo lifestyle until we arrive in St. Louis. WE would have gone farther, but we were mugged by a casual St. Louis resident and all our money was taken. Aw, man! With nothing else to do, I decide that I want to go up in the St. Louis Arch. In the elevator with me is yet another ancient granny, and her tiny poodle. Once we get to the top, surprise! The granny is evil, and the poodle is evil too. I punch the poodle, and then the old lady in their faces, but the granny slaps me and the poodle bites me. The old hag then yells that her poodle hasn't ever had rabies shots ever, and then drop kicks me out of one of the windows! I fell quite a bit and landed in the river, which was really just 90% mud. Fairly sure that if this were some kind of Olympic sport I would have just won the lifetime gold medal. I landed at the bottom and almost sunk in the mud. But then, what the hades? I saw some hot ghost girl! I thought I was dreaming but apparent it was one of the Kool-Aid Man's many concubines. She tells me to go to the beach in California. Neat!
Chapter 6: In Which I Go On a Romantic Boat Trip While Getting Filmed the Whole Time
Well, we finally made it to Colorado. We celebrate by legally smoking some of that Olympian kush that we found in a dumpster behind a fast food restaurant, and then go to use a stolen credit card that sheep-boy found to buy some burgers. Just as we are about to pay for the burgers, in comes some giant biker guy. He takes off his glasses and is like "yo, I'm the dad of that one girl that you put I a toilet." It was the pig-dad guy! Well, that's not good, as he is also coincidentally the alien space lord of war, fire, and angry people. Pig-war-space-dad-guy tells me that I have to go get something from his girlfriend that they left at a waterpark. Pig-dude-man has a girlfriend? How? Also isn't he married? I'm so confused, maybe he's Mormon, but that look in his eyes tells me I probably shouldn't ask that question. So I don't.
Well, me, Bananabeth, and sheep-boy all head off to get whatever it was from pig-man's "outing" with his girl. Who the Hades brings their date to a waterpark anyway? Sheep-boy decides to be a useless addition to the quest and fool around in a broken crane, and me and Bananabeth discover the, um, thing left by pig-man and his girl. Surprise surprise, turns out pig-man's sneaky link is none other than the space alien equivalent to a heavily used group bodypillow, who also happens to be the alien queen of love and other related things. Oh man, how do we keep getting in these messes? Me and Bananabeth grab the (unused) condom from the boat that it is sitting in, but all the sudden the ride comes to life! Fun note: the ride is a boat ride themed to love! Zoo-wee-mama, I might just get lucky with Bananabeth! I feel a tickle in my spine even! No, wait, that's Bananabeth's knife poking in the small of my back, I'll quiet down and play it cool I think.
Suddenly, there's this big noise, and cameras pop out of literally everywhere, saying things like "Now streaming live to planet Jupiter! Tune in to the earthling morons doing earthing morons stuff! EARTHLING MORONS! TUNE IN!" Ah great, so now we're front and center on the TV for all the space aliens? I really need to get a PR team what with all the poor showings I seem to be getting when televised. Me and Bananabeth start madly making out for all the universe to see, and I've never felt so good in my whole like. I could die right now and I'd be so happy except my head kind of hurts a little bit and that's when I realize I actually just slipped in some water and hit my head, and am now French kissing one of the boat ride benches while Bananabeth stands over me calling me seaweed breath. How does she know that?
Finally we make it back to pig-man-dude who's still waiting outside the burger place snorting cigarettes and gunning down pigeons. We throw the condom at him, which he almost pockets, and then just tosses. "Won't be using that," he says as he then picks us up and shoves us in the back of a zoo animal transport. "Proper transport for animals like you all. Now, listen to me: your mom! Hahahahaha, I'm just kidding kiddos. Anyway, she's not as "popped" as you might think, Hades reassembled her like a jigsaw puzzle, and anyway, she's alive down in Hell if you want to go get her or something. You really should go to Hell. I mean it! Ta-ta for now!" The zoo transport guys come back and slam the doors, and off we go!
Chapter 6: In Which I Almost Lose my Life (Savings) at a Las Vegas Casino
After an insufferable amount of hours in the back of the zoo transport where I got delirious due to lack of water and started talking to a zebra, we make it to Las Vegas! I'd only heard about this place from Smell-Butt Gabe, who claimed that he made $5,000 here and had met multiple women who loved him. We decide to do some sight-seeing, because A) the whole quest thing is getting boring and scary, and B) we figured we could make a little cash at the casinos. After a few wrong turns when looking for the Pyramid casino, we end up at this place called the Flower. I wasn't even gonna go in, but the doorman mistook us for some rich kids and gave us this access card that allowed us to do, kinda whatever we wanted. We went up to our room, and then I abused room service for about 6 hours by making them bring me gummy bear coated chocolate cakes, and then throwing them off the balcony at other guests! Fun! Me, Bananabeth, and sheep-boy all then went down to start playing all the games to make money. Sheep-boy plays this gay little activist game where he shoots humans, weird, and Bananabeth plays Sim-City. While those losers play their little kid games, I head off to the blackjack table to make bank.
While I'm sitting there blowing through all the cash I found in the nightstand drawer by my bed, this one guy starts talking to me. Dude looks like he crawled out of the 40s. Oh man, he IS from the 40s! He's literally so old that he's actually visible in black and white. Sounds like it's high time to get out of this place, it's probably some Greek trap like most places seem to be. Sheep-boy and Bananabeth seem real frustrated that I'm taking them out, but once we're outside we realize we've frittered away 2 whole days making chocolate gummy bear cakes and playing video games! Just like a usual summer if I'm being honest. Bananabeth blames this all on me of course, and sheep-boy just starts gnawing on my shoes. How was I supposed to know gambling and casinos were so addictive? And who is Bananabeth to be blaming me? SHE was the one who spent three days straight playing a video game about placing buildings down! She'd be a total nerd if she wasn't so hot.
Chapter 7: In Which I Finally Go To Hell
Well, my first time in Vegas really sucked! That wasn't much fun, AND we barely broke even. Actually, Bananabeth is telling me we don't have a cent left. Maybe those slot machines in the back of the taxi we took really were rigged like she said they were. Dang. But I'm in Santa Monica now! I can smell the sea breeze, the marijuana, and the burnt feces from all the homeless people meandering about like a live action Call of Duty Zombies event. I go for a quick swim, and run into my dad's concubine again, who hands me a bottle of bubble liquid to blow at enemies or something. I wasn't listening when she explained how to use them, oh well.
Bananabeth is tired, so looks like we're going bed shopping? Girls are so weird sometimes, they just want to go shopping for the dumbest things. I'm not gonna tell her that though. Geez, this salesman is a freak! And what's that on his name tag, Krusty the Krab? How am I supposed to take him seriously? I probably wouldn't, but he's got Bananabeth and sheep-boy all tied up in bed. What kind of bed store is this? I don't think we're old enough to be in here! The guy then goes and gets on an empty bed to demonstrate how I'm supposed to get on it. I'm still very confused as to what a bed is, as at home I sleep on a pile of beer cans and use a bowl of dip as a pillow. "Uhhhh whu-du-uh?" I ask. He starts cursing the space alien overlords for sending them an idiot, so I just tie him up to his own bed. Then we steal all his cash. Big dummy.
Wandering down the road a bit, we come across this weird little store called "Le Entrance 2 Haydees" which sounds kinda like what we're looking for. Inside is this black dude who looks like a raisin someone left in the sun for a century. He goes on and on about Italian suits and other dumb stuff, but we fork over all the stolen cash and he offers to take us across some river. Well, I don't know much about that, but Bananabeth says that's where we're supposed to go. Water? In Hell? I don't think that's possible, but lo and behold there is a river in Hell. Actually there's like 7 says Bananabeth, but I'm too busy watching all the dead people float around in this one. Bananabeth says not to touch the river because it will probably burn. Should've told me that earlier brainiac, my hand feels like a roasted hot dog right now! Luckily it's also still just water, so my magical alien powers quickly heal me. Neat!
Black-raisin-man dumps us off his boat in front of this really weird looking dog. This dog is WEIRD! He's got three heads, but only one butt. I distract him by throwing a ball, and off he goes. Some guard dog, huh. Suddenly my feet just start dancing the hokey pokey out of nowhere, and send me flying into a big hole in the ground. Bananabeth tells me this leads to a place called Tartar Sauce, where all the banished alien parents were sent years ago. Somehow I don't fall in the hole, and we leave the entrance to Tartar Sauce alone. Goodbye!
Then it's off to the Castle of Hades, which looks like a burnt NYC apartment building. Hades is a big goofy looking guy, with spikes sticking out everywhere and fire on top of his head. He starts singing about Hercules and some girl, but then all the sudden blames ME for stealing a lighting bolt from the great alien electrician! He also says we sole his prized helmet. "Impossible," I say, "I don't even like football," but then he opens my backpack and ZAP! Out comes some electricity. Bananabeth tells me that it isn't just static electricity, and it is actually the stolen electricity. Uh oh. How'd it get in there? Pig-dude-man-bro must have put it in there! He gave us the bag! Hades tells us to go kill ourselves so he can put us to work in the coal mines for eternity, but I'm not a fan of that so I pull out my bubble wand and blow bubbles at him. It's really ineffective as an offensive weapon, but the bubbles somehow manage to pick me, Bananabeth, and sheep-boy up, and send us flying into the roof of the big cave we're in. Physics get treated like suggestions for a bit, and then pop! We're out floating in the California bay! We're probably going to need to see a doctor this to diagnose us with all the STD's we picked up from just being in this water. Wonder if there's an space alien lord of doctors? Well, I might never find out, because none other than pig-man-dude is waiting for us on the shore.
Chapter 8: In Which I Probe an Alien a Little Bit Too Far
Pig-dad-bro is looking real mad, which kind of checks out since we foiled his lame plan to get us busted in Hell. "I told you punks to go to Hell, but I guess I forgot to mention you were supposed to stay there too!" he yells. I'm pretty tired of being pushed around by aliens from outer space and having to deal with their lame family feuds, so I just take out my sword and probe him. Deep. I probe him harder than any alien has ever been probed, honestly, deeper than any human has ever been robbed by an alien even. Dude-man-pig goes absolutely ballistic, and starts bleeding everywhere, turning the already decomposing beachfront into a toxic wasteland. For some reason though, he just decides that getting probed is enough pain for one day, and surrenders to me! How about that, the space alien lord of battle surrounding to me, little Percocet Jackson, the son of Kool-Aid Man? He then hands over Hade's football helmet (which he had stolen of course), and we claim it as a trophy. All the sudden, those three lame hags (that I had killed twice by this point) appeared in the air. I was getting ready to make it a hat trick and do them again, but the just yoinked the football helmet from my hands and flew off cheering things like "Go Cowboys!" and "Viva Las Vegas Raiders!" Oh well, so much for the helmet, but at least we still have the electricity in the bag. Time to give it back to the electrician...
Chapter 9: In Which I Meet the Space Aliens and Drop a Diss Track Before Going Home
Well, conveniently we manage to snag cheap Spirit Airlines tickets from LA to NYC, and off we go. The whole plane ride is pretty quiet, but mostly because I'm busy on my new diss track. The space aliens won't know what hit them! Looks like we made it back to the Big Apple... time to go visit the aliens. Turns out their UFO is parked over the Empire State Building, because of course it is, aliens are attracted to the tower like moths to a light. We take the elevator up to the "secret floor" which happens to just be somewhere up in the air. We walk badly into the UFO, flexing our trophy as bast as we can. Bananabeth tells me there's really no good way to show off electricity, so I just keep shocking sheep-boy with it to make him jump.
Anyway, we finally arrive in the control room of the UFO, and there's there big electrician, and also Kool-Aid Man! Hey dad! Kool-Aid Man kinda smiles but won't talk to me. Lame deadbeat, about what I suspected. The big electrician summons me to step forward, and as I hand him his electricity, I unleash my magnum opus, blasting him with my diss track I had churned out while on the trip back from my unwanted vacation:
"Yo yo yo, now I’m back from my trip, what’s poppin’ up top?
Walked to Hell and Tartar Sauce, didn’t even stop.
I beat you space aliens, flexin’ on yo cosmic throne,
Now your UFO be buzzin’ ‘cause the real one’s home.
Big sky electrician, you was stressin’ the wire,
Had me fetchin’ some sparks like a minimum hire.
“Go get my electricity!” Bitch, please, that’s a chore,
I rerouted the current and I kicked down the door.
Your lecky in my hand like a power line king,
Whole mount lit up when they heard me sing.
Y’all gods throw magic, but you still can’t compete,
I run waves and watts, that’s Kool-Aid Man meets street.
Yo yo yo! What’s good, Triple G-mas? Granny squad flew in,
Tried to clip my wings, tried to drag me to ruin.
Three old bats screechin’, thought they had me done,
Now they ghosted like dial-up! (disconnected, son!)
And let’s be real clear while I drop this jam:
I’m the splash zone kid, son of Kool-Aid Man.
OH YEAH through walls, leave the bricks all red,
Bust a nut in this house like I own the thread.
Space alien council lookin’ salty and tense,
Talkin’ “ancient power,” I’m like “maybe upgrade yo sense.”
I saved your power grid, I restored your supply,
Now you actin’ brand new when the hero walks by?
So step back big zap man, fix your circuits, my dude,
Next time guard your juice instead of killin’ my mood.
I brought back your volts, now the lights stay on:
Percocet Jackson out, mic splash, I'm gone."
I'm not sure they were super thrilled, but who can really tell? The electrician just up and teleports away, probably to cry or something. Kool-Aid-Man gives me a smile, and then exits with a loud "Oh YEAH!" Nice seeing you too, dad. Guess I'm still stuck with Smell-Butt Gabe for now. I'm about to go home when suddenly I see the "prank" I had mailed to the aliens all that time ago. Surrounding it are a whole bunch of minor aliens, all of them turned to concrete. Hah! Get pranked, idiots! Well, the thought comes into my mind that maybe Gabe might find this prank really funny too, so I make sure to drop it off at the nearest UPS store and address it to my mom.
When I finally make it back to the concentration camp, Mr. Grunter reluctantly lets me back in, as I'm now a hero and entitled to all the rights that a come with said title. I'm awarded one woman of my choice, and I of course choose Bananabeth. I'm not certain how she'll react to this information as she is using the bathroom while I make this decision. Actually, I think she'll be thrilled! Now, time to go kill my fellow campers in a game of Capture the Flag/Kill Your Fellow Campers!
This is Percocet "Perky" Jackson, signing off.