The Late Show Top 10: Rejected Late Show "Top 10" Lists

“Ladies and Gentlemen, here is tonights Top 10!”

~ David Letterman

“The topic of tonight's "Top 10" is- wow, this sure is ironic, the topic is "Rejected Late Show Top 10 lists...”

~ Letterman

“Then wouldn't it be a Top 100 list?”

~ Me on this list

“Shut up or I'm not doing "Fun Facts"!”

~ Letterman

“Sorry, Dave.”

~ Me on Letterman

“Anyway, here's the Top Ten list.”

~ Letterman

Number 10

The Top 10 signs that Family Guy has Jumped the Shark

• 10. The characters' "flashbacks" contain thinly disguised product placement.
• 9. An episode that revolves around literally jumping over sharks is aired.
• 8. Stewie finally kills Lois.
• 7. Cleveland gets his own spinoff.
• 6. Peter Griffin finds out that his ancestors were actual gryphons.
• 5. Stewie's name is changed to Kenny and he dons an orange parka.
• 4. The above also grants Stewie a running gag where he is killed in nearly every episode.
• 3. Quagmire gives up sex forever.
• 2. In a 2 part episode, the characters from Seth McFarlane's other animated sitcom, American Dad, co-star.

And the Number One Sign that Family Guy has Jumped the Shark:

• 1. The name of the show is changed to something less risque, like "The Simpsons".

Number 9

The Top 10 Books that Osama bin Laden has been reading

• 10. 7 People You'll Blow Up on the Way to Heaven
• 9. Terrorism for Dummies
• 8. Redecorating Your Cave in 10 Easy Steps
• 7. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Terrorists
• 6. The Little Airplane that Could
• 5. The 3 Little American Pigs
• 4. Harry Potter and the Plot to Kill the American Infidels
• 3. The Bush that Stole Ramadan
• 2. The One Minute Jihadist

And the Number One Book that Osama bin Laden has been (mis)reading-

• 1. The Koran

Number 8

The Top 10 rejected "Danny Phantom" Characters

• 10. Pukelor- The Ghost made of Vomit
• 9. The Dead Beatles
• 8. Zombie Flanders
• 7. John the necrophiliac mechanic
• 6. The vengeful spirit of Lizzie Borden
• 5. MC Phantasm the Token "Black" Ghost
• 4. The Holy Ghost
• 3. Jim Fenton- Jack Fenton's skeptical cousin
• 2. The ghosts of every character who was killed off in Star Wars

And the Number One rejected Danny Phantom Character-

• 1. Everyone. That show sucks!

Number 7

The Top 10 signs you're an aging Jedi

• 10. The last time you fought a Sith lord was in a game of checkers at an old folk's home.
• 9. You are unable to get your Jedi Starfighter started.
• 8. You begin to notice a decline in your mediclorian count.
• 7. The force is not as "with you" as it used to be.
• 6. You must use the force to control your incontinence.
• 5. You can't find the droids you're looking for.
• 4. The new book you started reading is called "The Force for Dummies".
• 3. Talk backwards, you begin to do.
• 2. New favorite TV show: "Jet-Eye for the Sith Guy"

And the Number One sign you're an aging Jedi-

• 1. You need Viagra to turn on your lightsaber.

Number 6

The Top 10 things that I, Peter Griffin would like to say to America (Or, the stuff that CBS would not let me say on the air.)

• 10. Compared to me, Michael Moore is a moron!
• 9. Ya know what really grinds my gears? President Bush!
• 8. You're more dim-witted than [Insert non-sequitur flashback and/or pop-culture reference(s) here].
• 7. No, I am not retarded, I only pretend to be on TV.
• 6. Laura Bush killed a guy. No, really, she did.
• 5. I haven't had a TV role like this since [Insert non-sequitur flashback and/or Pop-culture reference(s) here].
• 4. I'm too sexy for my fat!
• 3.Nehehehehehehehehehehehe.......

And the Number One thing that I, Peter Griffin would like to say to America-

• 1. F**k you!

Number 5

The Top Ten things that should not have happened

• 10. Futurama's cancellation
• 9. Total Nonstop Action Snooker's creation
• 8. The death of the "Yo Mama" joke
• 7. Disney. Enough said.
• 6. Scientology. Enough said.
• 5. Wikipedia's retarded articles. Enough said.
• 4. Steroids. Not enough said. We wouldn't have John Cena, Batista, Triple H, Randy Whoreton, Brock Lesbo, Scott Steiner, Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Colin Delaney, Kurt Anal, half of Major League Baseball, well, the list goes on forever...
• 3. Nashville Sexual Predators winning that one game... god they suck...
• 2. Hitler

And the number one thing that should have never happened:

• 1. Your Birth. Damn that broken condom!

Number 4

The Top Ten People Who Should Not Run For President

• 10. Flavor Flav
• 9. Peter Griffin
• 8. Oscar Wilde
• 7. Lewis Black
• 6. I LOST THE GAME!
• 5. Pamela Anderson
• 4. Jebus
• 3. Hitler
• 2. Maury Povich

And the number 1 person who should not run for president:

• 1. Barack Obama. Wait, he got elected? Oh, SHIT!

Number 3

The Top Ten Worst Movies of All Time

• 10. "Dude, My Car Is Not Where I Parked It, But Praise Allah We Are Safe"
• 9. Anything with Lindsay Lohan
• 8. "High School Musical 2" and 3
• 7. "Bob Dole Runs For President Of The United States Of Bob Dolemerica"
• 6. "Ninja Warrior: The Musical"
• 5. "Gary Busey Smashes A Beer Bottle Over His Head. Again."
• 4. "The Best Of You Tube: Now Featuring A Duet Between The Sneezing Panda And Rick Astley!"
• 3. "The Harry Truman Show"
• 2. "Pirates Of The Carribean 3"

And the number 1 worst movie of all time:

• 1. "Miley Cyrus's Best Of Both Worlds Tour: The Backstage Footage", also called "Come Throw Your Money Away Here!" in some markets.

Number 2

The Top Ten Things That Will Happen Now That Barack Obama Has Been Elected President

• 10. Fox News will actually become fair and balanced. Sort of.
• 9. Joe the Plumber will star in the next Disney blockbuster.
• 8. Someone will finally win The Game.
• 7. Gas will cost 2 cents a gallon.
• 6. Chuck Norris will become envious of Obama's power.
• 5. A lot of homeless people will ask for "change". When refused, they will retort: "Hey, that Obama guy did it!"
• 4. Your mom will get a Social Security check for the first time in 8 years. Also, she will get laid for the first time in 8 years.
• 3. Jessica Simpson will actually learn how to read.
• 2. Bill O'Reilly will check himself into an asylum, and Keith Olberman will die from laughing so much about it.

And The Number 1 Thing That Will Now That Barack Obama Has Been Elected President:

• 1. George Bush will succeed Obama just moments after he is assasinated. Oh, SHIT!

Note: none of this stuff will happen, because Obama fucked up the economy so badly.

Number 1

Top Ten Quotes By Captain Obvious (to be delivered by Captain Obvious himself)

“This is a Top 100 list.”

~ Captain Obvious

“THANK YOU!”

~ Me

• 10. "Africa is a continent. You hear that, Sarah Palin?"
• 9. "People who enter the country illegally break the law." (Okay, Dubya said it, but it sounds funnier when Captain Obvious says it.)
• 8. "Zac Efron is gay."
• 7. "John Madden has a crush on Brett Favre."
• 6. "90,000 fathoms? That's more than 60,000 fathoms!"
• 5. "I went to the dollar store the other day, and everything there only costs a dollar!"
• 4. "Spike and Kenny must have some damn good life insurance."
• 3. "Dick Cheney doesn't have a hunting license."
• 2. "Those girls on VH1 reality shows are on drugs, aren't they?"
• 1. "AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH! Take that, Sean Hannity!"