“The biggest problem with quotes on the internet is that it is impossible to verify their authenticity.”
- this unsigned quote was added by --18.104.22.168 11:35, November 28, 2011 (UTC)
Hi, this is Flameviper. I'm cleaning up this article and had to remove a lot of orthless shit. Patent nonsense, if you will. If anybody wants these cluster-fucks, they're here for archival purposes.
Removed Sections[edit source]
The Amazing Adventures of Abraham Lincoln Through Time, Space, and Spanishland[edit source]
“Damn you, Space Lincoln!”
Abraham Lincoln, known amongst his friends and family as Honest Abe, The Great Emancipator, and The Rail Splitter, is an unsung hero. References to him are obscure, and as such, information on his brief but very unique life is difficult to come by. What is certain is that Abe Lincoln was an American poet who was born in ancient Peking in the early 17th century. Lincoln was his mother’s 13th child, and being the fucking pagan bitch that she was, he was regarded as demon spawn and was aborted into the Nile River where he remained for some time feeding upon indigenous fish species including Tilapia and Nile Perch. Lincolns powers grew mighty as his furious rage built and by his 8th birthday he had grown 40 stories tall and could shoot powerful blue lasers from his eyes that would rival the powers of mecha-Godzilla*. He once had a pet ckicken called Barnes, although he might not have.
Lincoln never fit in well at school and was relentlessly bullied by students including Adolph Hitler and Fidel Castro who hated Lincoln because he was a Jew. Lincoln in turn dropped out of school and became the third best hooker in all of Korea and later got busted by the cops which landed him a hefty fine and essentially lost him all of his hard earned money. Thus, Lincoln set out to the New World with hopes of creating a small but chic upscale restaurant that would specialize in exotic seafood. With a click of his heels he cast his teleport spell and arrived in the bustling city of Chicago. Lincoln’s restaurant paid off big and in less than one year he had made over 12 billion Turkish lira. Lincoln was sitting in his office thinking of what to do with all of his hard earned money when his owl Hedwig delivered him a message from a little girl who said he would look good with a beard. Lincoln was a sick fuck who jerked off to the girl’s letter over 25 times and then mailed her candy, but the candy was anthrax and she died. The thought of her death aroused Lincoln and he masturbated another 15 times before realizing that what he did was awful. Lincoln grew a beard to “remember the girl” but what he really meant was that he needed a place to stash his weed. At a parliament meeting in 1993, Lincoln met up with the King of England himself, Louis XIV, as well as Jesus Christ and together the three of them destroyed communism and Hinduism and tackled the issue of slavery. After President Kennedy ordered Jesus crucified for freeing the slaves, Lincoln was pissed. He was like, “Fuck this shit this is fucking gay” and proceeded to shoot Kennedy in the skull 6 times at Dallas before departing into the mist. Dick Cheney was fucking pissed off after this and ordered Lincoln assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald while he was watching a play or some shit. Many people think Lincoln was killed in the events that followed, but this is fucking bull shit and if you believe those people I will fucking kill you**. The man attending the opera that night was an imposter, and the real Lincoln Town Car snuck off to the ninja academy where batman trained in that movie that came out like three years ago where he remains to this day. His powers undoubtedly have increased exponentially since the time he was last seen. As such, we can only hope that Lincoln’s rage will subside or that he moves to Kazakhstan or some shit.
- The old mecha Godzilla is referred to here as the new one is a fucking bitch ass pussy.
- This is a written threat.
After Lincoln's murder, his soul was kept from heaven by a sect of the Mac Panthers who resurrected him the 30th Century so that he may lead them in their battle against the Microsoft Communists that had taken over the world since his death. Central to their plan was to prevent Lincoln's own death, and in order to do this, Lincoln needed to defeat three great historical evils - Jack the Ripper, Hitler/Mothra and Galactus. Accompanying him were faithful sidekick and cyborg Hannibal Hamlin digital information database Fredrick Douglas, and Chuck Norris armed with a trusty bottle of Febreeze. Ultimately, Lincoln defeated his three enemies and returned to 1865, whereupon he discovered that George Washington was actually Nuck Chorris and, with the help of Lyndon B. Johnson, he had started the Civil War of Canada in order to spread his Canadian Zombie virus. Lincoln stopped Nuck from using the virus after a vicious Maple battle, but only after Johnson returned to the side of right and threw Nuck down the Death Star of Canada Reactor Core. However, Lincoln came to understand that by preventing his own murder, he would destroy the space time continuim, which would be ungoodly, so he, Hannibal Hamlin, Fredrick Douglas, and Chuck Norris walked off into the sunset, looking for new victims and adventures through time and space. It sould be noted that Lincoln is completely UNSTOPPABLE. Except to John Wilkes Booth under certain circumstances.
A politician and speaker above all things, Lincoln also held experience in the military field. When serving in the Black Hawk War, his general would send Lincoln to the front of the ranks during the charge. The natives found Lincoln’s height and build truly terrifying and would usually surrender within minutes.
Having failed miserably out of art, music, and architecture school, Lincoln took up law and became a prominent attorney. Which was most unfortunate. Because the man could dance circles around anyone. Wonderful form, great spirit – he even perfected an early variation of the Mashed Potatoes.His luck with the performing arts eventually came full circle when, in 1865, he was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth.
Lincoln pursued a love life that would lead to the birth of Abraham Bush, the great-great-great grandfather of George W. Bush as a result of his time travels. This allowed George W. Bush to win the 2000 Presidental election over Al Gore and change history. Lincoln was quoted as saying "I spawned who?" in response when he later returned to the future in the next paragraph.
It should also be noted that during Lincoln's Time Travel he was taken hostage by two teenagers called Bill and Hillary and brought to the future. This was apparently part of a plot to get them to win the 2008 presidential election. It was there that Lincoln tasted his first moon pie and vowed that someday he would travel to the Moon to find the recipe. He later found out that moon pies did not come from the moon but were in fact made by slaves left over from the civil war. This outrage led to The Great Roundhouse Kicking of 20XX, where Lincoln got Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick the man who told him this fact and started a masacere in the auditorium where Bill and Hillary were doing their history project. This is a deleted scene from the movie in which these adventures occured, Bill and Hillary's Eyewittness Masacere by Chuck Norris. It should be noted that Bill and Hillary did not live for more than 3 seconds after shooting this film, as the Mac panthers realized their error and atoned for their evil ways by destroying the offending party's latest OS, which was done by their leader, Malcom OSX.
The Masturbation Proclamation Speech[edit source]
During his captivity under the Clintons, Lincoln met and was inspired by Bill Clinton's former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. As woman and the first black person to hold her post, Elders most surprised Lincoln with her agenda to educate children across America in masturbation (see: ). Lincoln saw a certain genius in Elders' plan and upon making his escape and returning to 1862, Lincoln began drafting the now famous Masturbation Proclamation.
The real genius of the Proclamation is Lincoln's ability to tap into the psyche of horny men of all ages. Lincoln, himself having a schlong, new that if men were allowed to play with it more freely, they would and they may even begin playing with it to the detriment of other things...such as an ongoing war perhaps? Lincoln also recognized that men would fantasize about things that they shouldn't do do in real life; things such as black women. If, Lincoln theorized the white men of the South were busy choking their chickens to thoughts of all that hot, chocolate poo-nanny back home, we can sweep in and kick their redneck asses. As such, Lincoln's decision to allow men the freedom of their bodies was as much a decision of military strategy as it was a move to liberalize society.
A relatively unknown religion, but a greatly powerful one. A passage from The Book Of Lincoln is found below.
In the beginning, there was lincoln. Says lincoln:
Abe Lincoln invented the Act of sexual congress.
'Damn, it's dark out here, let there be ligh-AGH, MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!"
He then wandered in the pitch white nothingness for seven days, and seven nights, untill he found the Celestial Dimmer Switch oRANGATANG ORANGE TANG ME LOVE HONEYCOMB!. After a few days of messing with the dimmer switch, making a "WhoOOooOOoohh" sound, he realized how much the current state of the universe sucked. Yea verily he created Vodka.
All was good untill the Vodka began to flood the limited universe faster then Lincoln could drink it. At this time, Lincoln expanded the universe to hold both the Vodka ocean, and our Solar System.*
Soon however, he realized that even he, a celestial being with an ocean of Vodka, was lonely. And thus the first Strip Club was created. PRAISE LINCOLN.
i just though i had to write something up here to look at everyday but other then that i just had to say that Lincoln was a good president even though i wasnt alive dorning that time he was still great from what i herd. i always wish i got the chance to see him but i didnt. i whis i just could have tought him how not to be so soft and hit his wife if she got to out of hand with the yelling and stuff like that. i think i could also say to him you need a make over cause i think he needed it andi could of helped him out with that. i also just wanted to say that one day a girl president will come along and i will crack mad funny jokes on her if she is ugly and doesnt do a good job with helping the community and the state and everything else. i just have one more thing to say and that is have a happy life because as you can seei dont have one if i have to do this but bye bye people
From Pee Review[edit source]
This was a shitty article (a prime example of HTBFANJS, in fact) before I rewrote it. I tried my best to be witty, even though the subject matter doesn't really have any context for humor. Tell me what you think! ~ Unflameviper 21:26, 18 January 2007 (UTC)
- NOTE: Cleanup still in progress.
|Humour:||5||At times quite funny, but at others unfocued and rambling.|
|Concept:||4||A very important historical figure, but because he's so well-known, it's difficult to do a subject like this well. You'll have to find an original angle to make this work.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||I like the references and the article is clean... at times. You mentioned this was a work in progress, and I can tell from looking at it. This rating should be much higher when you're done with it.|
|Images:||8||I was very amused by these pictures. Easily the strong point of the article.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||With the exception of some funny pictures, this article kinda makes me go, "Meh."|
|Final Score:||28||I think that some of the most well-known subjects can be some of the hardest to do well, as you have to find an original angle for humor. You might find an angle that works using his simgle-minded ends-justifying-the-means attitude, but again, I think this article will be very difficult to do well.|
|Reviewer:||--19:55, 24 January 2007 (UTC)|
|Humour:||8||You did a great job making it funny...I read the old Lincoln page, it was horrible.|
|Concept:||7||It didn't take a genius to figure out the old article sucked, but you actually bothered to change it all. Nice work.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Your style is a perfect fit for Uncyclopedia.|
|Images:||6||They're okay...not hilarious, but they'll do.|
|Miscellaneous:||3||The cage fighting/physiologist sections sucked...that'll cost you.|
|Final Score:||32||Either re-write or just omit the cage fighting and physiologist parts, and you've got a great article.|
|Reviewer:||--LORD V4DER 00:01, 26 January 2007 (UTC)|
The robot[edit source]
i find this article lacking in any mention of the United States plan of turning the statue of Lincoln at the Lincoln memorial into a combat robot with laser vision eyes and a nuclear launch system in the attachable hat, might someone include this?
- Read HTBFANJS then come back and decide for yourself. -- 19:10, August 4, 2010 (UTC)
Vampire hunter[edit source]
- You could add something about it if you like. – Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 16:46, 26 Apr 2014