Swiss Toni

Swiss Toni

Writing an article about Swiss Toni is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You have to be careful, giving just the right amount of attention to make it flowing hot and then publish the results on the Internet for everyone to see.

Belgian Chocolates, some fine wines. You have to treat the reader like a princess, <insert name here>. You see, reading an article about Swiss Toni is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You have to take your time and probe deeply.

Biography

I started my life as a child, and pretty much went onto the world of car sales from there. You see, growing up is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get bigger, things start to develop and before you know it there's a mess all over your sheets and your mum's upset at you.

I started my carsales positively, treating the customers like customers should be treated. They experienced only the most elegant music through the tannoy, maybe a poem on the windscreen of the car. You see, selling a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. The body has to be perfect with no signs of wear and tear before laying her out on the forecourt for everyone to inspect her interior.

The customer is, obviously, always right. You have to make sure that you supply the right car to their needs, checking to see that the beauty is very much there for all to see. Checking a car over is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give her a good spraying?

Personal life

Featuring this article is much like courting and eventually making love to a beautiful woman. Of course, you don't just take a lady to the pub as the young people might do nowadays. You take her to the finest restaurant in town where you eat only the best food freshly prepared by an award-winning chef. You drink...fine wines. Then you take her to your hotel, best hotel in town mind, you carry her up to your room where there are Belgian chocolates, more fine wines, quality champagne on ice, satin sheets on the bed..maybe a poem on the pillow..and a single red rose. Then slowly, gently, you undress her. But keep your own clothes on because no one wants to see a man in the nude.

Hmm? Oh could you wait a moment, I have to get this. "Hello? Yes. You'll have it by the end of the month. You have Swiss Toni's cast iron guarantee on that. Yes, I know I said that last month. Yes, I know. Yes, I- (click)" Answering the phone is much like making love to a beautiful woman in that you've got to...um...lift the receiver...put it to your ear...speak loudly and clearly...oh yes and don't forget to state your name.

... You're losing it, Toni.

Hobbies

When I'm not on the forecourt tending to cars or customers or making love to the most beautiful of women I like to unwind with a variety of hobbies and interests.

• Snooker is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You have to lay your balls on the table, grip your extended cue and sink the pink making sure not to miss and get the brown instead.

• Fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

• Camping and putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to the old bag.

• Playing Adventure Games is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You have to roam the scenery, perhaps interacting with a few interesting objects to see what happens, but if you really want to make progress, you have to think logically to solve mind-bending puzzles, and interact with those objects in very specific ways.

Black Book

Here is a scan of the contents of my phone book. Be impressed with its content.

I'd wager you're wondering why I am called Swiss Toni? Perhaps because I'm not actually Swiss? Is it because Swiss things are reliable and that? Well it's partly that. But it's mostly because I'm built like an Alp, and ridged like a Toblerone. Yes, when a lady's been with Swiss Toni, she doesn't forget it in a hurry. There's a club in this town, you see, called the Pussy Club. And I am a privileged member. Gold card. I walk up to the door and, "Oh - Swiss Toni. Come right on in". I've even got a backstage pass.

Sorry, where is the club? You haven't seen it, you say?

Well, I was using a metaphor. I was simply stating that I am a popular man. I know what the ladies like. Fine wine, Belgian chocolates, etc. and consequently - they like me. My phone book is positively engorged with the numbers of young ladies.

...No, that is not why my wife left me.