Seth Putnam
 | |
| Birth Date | 1968 |
|---|---|
| Birth Place | Boston, Massachusetts |
| Nationality | Bostonian |
| Occupation | Wizard |
| Religion | Wicca |
“Seth Putnam is a great man, he is an inspiration to all Americans.”
Seth Putnam (May 15, 1968 – June 11, 2011), formerly known as Ben Percival and more commonly known as Seth Pukenam, is the name of a great and powerful wizard who lives atop the very very very very very very very grim and frostbitten candy mountain in the depths of the inverted necroforest of Satan's dark necroyetis of the frozen north abyss lands of necrodeathmortum (formerly known as Boston, Massachusetts). He is a master in every school of magic, can speak in 5 languages, and can fire the most powerful eye beams in the world, seconded only by Pope John Paul II. He wears a fashionable blue robe and has the thick beard of an Irishman where he keeps all of his medicinal herbs, superheroine steroids and exploding sparkle powder.
History[edit | edit source]
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Seth was born in a Volkswagen van to two hippy parents on a happy and sunny spring day in 1968. They were so terrified of little Seth's arcane power that they abandoned him in a forest and left him to be raised by a pack of wolves. It was during that time that he was taught by the wolves how to play the bass and sing. When he turned 13, he joined a merry band of heavy metal bards called Executioner. He would tour the world with his new friends, and at the same time, hone his magical prowess. His skills with the wand soon became sufficient enough where he left Executioner and formed his own band of traveling minstrels. He named the band Butt Vagina, after the two body parts he loved most about a hot chick, namely Pamela Anderson. He is a gimp.
His New Band[edit | edit source]
His primary goal with this newly-formed band was to offend as many people as possible by becoming gay and raving like a looney from the 80's with a pink mullet, and at the same time bring forth new innovations in the fields of music and magic. His most famous innovation came from combining 5643 songs into a record lasting a mere 15 minutes by transmuting 5 bars of cheesium and a rubber duckie through alchemy. His favorite element that he used, however, was grindcore. He would oft spend hours in his dark lair transmuting grindcore with other elements and random objects such as nachozium, beeron, Nazium, a lamp post, a flash light, and a fire hydrant.
The Impaled Northern Moonforest[edit | edit source]
By 1998, he had already released several successful albums, including Happy Florist, No One Should Be Killed, Hits That Are Not On The Top 40 List, 40 More Reasons Explaining Why You Should Like Us, I Like It When You Live, and Picnic Of Hate. During a short period of time in this year, Seth journeyed deep into the Impaled Northern Moonforest, just across the street from MIT, with his partner in wizardry, Josh Martin. They planned to record an LP there, but did not use electric guitars, a drum kit, or amps, as they did not want to anger the necroforest grues that lived in the area. They recorded this LP using only acoustic instruments during an extended bathroom break, and at the same time, Seth learned the dark arts of necromancy after buying the necronomicon for 99 cents at the local Best Buy.
Tragedy[edit | edit source]
On October 31st, 2004, Seth fell into a coma after being attacked by the monsters Cocaine, Heroin, and Sleeping Pills while walking home to his unholy satanic frozen wilderness ice tower of Abazagorath. The doctors attending him thought he would morph into a vegetable and were thinking about pulling the plug, but he managed to wake up beforehand and turned everyone present into liver and onions.
Current Activity[edit | edit source]
He is still regaining his ability to walk perfectly, but his magic is still powerful beyond mortal comprehension, and can obliterate an entire town simply by raising his middle finger. He did just that by practicing his dark magicks on the rival town of Allston.
He is also the lead singer of his new band, I was raped by a Llama
Nevermind that, he's fucking dead now.
Run-Ins[edit | edit source]
Although he receives a great amount of extol wherever he travels, he has a small handful of enemies.
Attraction to Chris Barnes[edit | edit source]
One day he saw Chris Barnes walk by and he got a boner. He said "Hi, wanna fuck me?" And Chris Barnes got a heart attack and puked on him. And Putnam said "For me?" and he stripped naked and tried to molest Barnes, but the rodies hauled his weak bitch ass off while Barnes somehow survived and crawled back the the tour bus to recover. He tried to give them blow jobs, but when he opened his legs they all died from the fumes even though they were wearing gas masks. He later wrote "Chris Barnes is a Pussy" to express his fantaisies about Barnes.
With Jamey "I Made Headbanger's Ball Less Entertaining" Jasta[edit | edit source]
There was also the run-in he had with the capitalist, Jamey Jasta, of the band Lovebreed. When Seth was on tour in Paris, France displaying his musical magic acts, Lovebreed went on stage first. When the crowd demanded that Butt Vagina come on stage, Jamey started shouting at them saying that Lovebreed was more popular, were more profitable, that heavy metal sucked, and that hardcore was the only good music. Jamey then spotted Seth coming on stage, and a verbal fight ensued. Then some of Lovebreed's buddies got up on stage and formed a circle around Seth, but instead of beating him up, the mob started to beat up each other, with Seth idly standing in the center. A city-wide riot quickly ensued from this.
Death[edit | edit source]
Seth died Saturday, June 11, 2011. It was reported on Twitter that he suffered a massive heart attack after ingesting several hundred pieces of ex-laxx. Apparently he wanted to surprise the audience (at his next show) with a blast of special sauce from his ass.