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Winners of the NORTHERN TIMES FISHIEST VILLAGE AWARD, 2007. All of the following is absolutely bollocks true.

“How do you spell KLB?”

~ KLBer on Kinlochbervie

Kinlochbervie (Scottish Gaelic: Inbhir Biorbhaidh) is a dead, fishy smelling place in the Highlands of north western Scotland, built on the shores of Loch Inchard which is commonly mistaken for the mysterious Loch Bervie. It is not to be confused with Inverbervie on the east coast of Scotland who have arguabley the best chipper in the world. Locals also refer to the town as K.L.B. which is short for Kinda-near Laxford Bridge. Also, the only name in the local area is Morrison, which means fish gutter. Locals usually wear very little clothing as they all use fish smokers and open fires to keep warm.

A bit about the place[edit | edit source]

This is the local chip shop owner.

Readers should note that Loch Bervie does not exist so maybe this means that KLB (KinLochBervie) does not actually exist either and is a figment of your imagination and is the basis for the Brigadoon story.

In 2001 the population was 24 and the area's main industry is running tourists off of single track roads with large fridges disguised as articulated fish lorries and plundering the wreckages on the roadsides. The only reason people visit KLB is because locals from surrounding villages (such as Scourie and Durness) are expelled from school in Golspie or because tourists took the wrong turn to Sandwood Bay, a beach about a three years walk north.

The locals are referred to as smokies as their love of smoking fish is second to none and the village was built on smoking trout. People are known to keep fish smokers in the garage and every two weeks people have a smoke off, tuna and trout being the favourite fish.

Law was last seen on 12th December 1867 as the town has no police station, although the promotion of vigilante groups by Highland Council appears to be working quite well. Northern Constabulary had "a plan so sneaky you could call it a weasel" however, as you now can't reach KLB without driving past the police station at Rhiconich, meaning KLB has the highest drink driving to crimes ratio in Europe. Because of this, the area is well known for it's regional Driving Test, where the driver is asked how many lanes the road has. If he (females are not permitted to drive in the Highlands) answers two, then he's arrested for seeing double. However, PC David Inglis was recently replaced by the new bobbie Ian Sutherland after he was also tragically killed visiting the scene of the crime where two German tourists were also flattened by the same fish lorry that got him just outside of Achfary. Drink driving is seen as being a necessity rather than a crime by some people - too lazy to walk to the pub or arrange a driver.

Interesting facts[edit | edit source]

Screw KLB harbour. If you want fish, all you need is a loaf from the shop like.
Now don't forget to eat my body and drink my blood on Sunday, little ones! ;)
  • A secret admirer of Barbera Rhue, still has the photo above his bed....of the Massey!
  • Teco is over the hill now he is the big 50
  • Robin Cook died of a heart attack on Ben Stack after being chased up there by pitchfork wielding LibDem KLBers.
  • KLB is so dull that it has even been excluded from the North West Highland Geopark.
  • The Watering Can was invented here when plastic was first introduced in 1979.
  • James V is an alumnus of Kinochbervie High School.
  • Jack McConnell once urinated against the wall of a house in Achriesgill. DNA evidence proved this.
  • Dylan the Dog is the re-incarnation of Aslan of Narnia
  • KLB is built upon Lewisian Gneiss despite being nowhere near Lewis.
  • It is quicker to sail to KLB from Glasgow than drive up.
  • More people live off the state in KLB than anywhere else in Europe, except Latvia
  • Between the ages of 8 & 76 it is illegal to be sober at the weekend
  • Hear about the KLB crofter who stood outside all week trying to win the Nobel Prize? He heard winners were out standing in their fields
  • All people from Inverbervie aspire to live in Durness
  • KLB F.C. are planning to plant rice on their pitch
  • Marcus means TWAT in Gaelic
  • John Wayne lives here. Not sure if its the real one but the walk is the same!
  • Sorry no gays resident in KLB apply Durness for wide selection.
  • Drinking out of the glasses in the Rico causes instant gayness.
  • Local Communist Micheal Otter only lost the election by 99% within 1% accuracy
  • I TELL YOU their is nothing that Allan Owen doesn't know
  • Cape Wrath Boat Club is based in Kinlochbervie but its boats never go anywhere.
  • Gonk books his same old holiday -back to mozam-beek........(Hopefully it is a one way ticket this year)
  • It is ok to marry your cousin in KLB so kerry and darren say !!!
  • 'Mussel-man' needed all his strength to tackle his 25 quid opponent
  • Tattie 4 Barbara Rhue!!!!
  • Teco cannot afford to play golf now thers a swearbox in the clubhouse
  • So far the golf club swear box has made £37,284.19 off Teco + the deeds to his house.
  • Teko's trading in his new electric golf trolley for a second hand electric golf buggy as his wee leggies are finding it to much carrying his beer belly round 3 holes let alone 9...
  • The skipper of the sparkler likes to put his arm round the neck of 15 year old boys
  • The KLB model is due to be married in the near future.(The groom has an awfy bonnie guide dog)
  • Nomey is frightened to go to Durness in case he gets the WE WILL PUT YOU OUT OF BUSINESS BUG First it was Sheena at the Golf course then Hugh at the Smoo
  • The loudest "Thank you" in the world was recorded at the London Stores
  • KFC is the undercover KLB residents
  • Loch Clash has no road sign (it is being held ransom in a glasgow flat)

Small Ads[edit | edit source]

  • Bed for sale, springs knackered, contact 'mussel man'
  • Complete set of encyclopedias - no longer needed - f*%#i~g wife knows everything!!!!!!!!!
  • Wanted, cure for baldness. Contact Marcus at the Rhico!!

Information for Visitors[edit | edit source]

A photo of one of the world famous KLB fish lorries.
  • Visitors, please be careful when out walking in case you fall and need the coastguards, because the landrover is always in Inverness getting a service.
  • The Kinlochbervie Dogging Society meets every Thursday at the old harbour from 7pm till 10pm. Find and Like us on Facebook.
  • The harbour in KLB is quiet because the Gonk forgets that there is a market in KLB - he keeps sending the boats to Scrabster
  • Tried looking up gonk on aol dictionary - seems it doesn't exist as a word other than suggestions below:

Spelling Suggestions for gonk: gink, honk, conk, gong, gunk, gone, gook, Gond, Monk, wonk, zonk ginks, fink, honky - up to you to choose (Well their is a f**king Gonk you will find him in KLB FISHSELLING COMPANY.)

Things You're Not Likely To Hear in KLB[edit | edit source]

  • It's raining again in Durness, what a shame
  • Of course we voted for Otter
  • Alison Charlie is really bonnie
  • Of Course we warmly welcome people of other races, creeds and religions
  • Garbet means value for money
  • Durness really arent milking this John Lennon crap.... I know, cos I'm from Durness and its taking the piss really. Still, its better than living off past glories as a once "booming" fishing port!!!!
  • Marcus Mouth is a nice quiet sort of chap with many admirers.
  • Kim is beautiful.
  • Let's all go to rhico their is a new sexy barmaid
  • Kinlochbervie is jumping at the weekends

Sport[edit | edit source]

Durness lost the Guy Cup because they smell.
Don't forget, the earth was created 4004 BC and fossil evidence is a test of faith! Don't let school pervert you, little children! ;)
  • The local football team once won the Stafford Cup for the first time in many, many years. They also won the league countless times unlike Durness at only 2 or 3 times, which doesn't say much for their team.
  • They also won the hughie Campbell Cup a couple of times (a fight fought annually over two legs against their old rivals Durness).
  • The World Speedboat Racing Championships are held annually on Loch Inchard.
  • KLB are the new holders of the guy cup after gubbing Durness in the final,however Durness still retain their unbeaten record of 48 years in a row for the GAY cup.
  • The KLB skydiving team used to go by the motto "If at first you din't succeed then you truly are f*%@:d"
  • Throwing the wellie at the KLB gala wasn't a success as she proved to heavy to lift of the ground.

Jokes[edit | edit source]

  • KLB

Geography[edit | edit source]

Map of KLB and the surrounding area:


See also[edit | edit source]