Jennifer Garner

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The silhouette of famed actress Jennifer Garner.

Jennifer Anne Affleck (née Garner; April 17, 1972), better known as Jennifer Garner, is an alias assumed by Keri Russell to escape the 1999 riots caused by Felicity's hair cut. "Jennifer" is a thirty-something-year-old American actress, comedian, model, singer, sex symbol, and legal attorney most notable for her role as a wig-bearing ninja on the ABC TV series, Alias. Jennifer's other notable roles include playing Electricity in the 2003 Box Office flop Daredevil, a dude in Boys Don't Cry, and playing "Girlfriend #2" in Dude, Where's My Floopin' Car At? Ms. Garner reprised her role as electricity in the 2005 sequel to Daredevil, The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin and co-starred with Jack Nicholson.

Jennifer Garner is recognizable by her height, muscles, cute daughter, and Eastern Mountain Sports outerwear. Some suspect that she may hold the coveted power of invisibility, as paparazzi are rarely able to locate her.

Early Childhood and Early Career[edit | edit source]

Jennifer SueAnn Powell Garner was born in the heartwarming hamlet of Philadelphia, Pencilvainia. There, she was raised by her parents, Jonathan Kent and Martha Kent. In first grade, Garner took a non-certified version of a national standardized test that included a question about rainbows that first-graders can rarely answer. Unbeknownst to her, Garner had just passed her preliminary super-spy examination. At the age of 16, Ms. Bristow went to the H. Graham High School and studied interpretive dance, with dreams of one day playing Princess Peach Toadstool in the 2000 remake of the 1993 Super Mario Bros movie. While sunbathing on Mayan ruins during spring break of her senior year in high school, she was discovered by the Mimi, whose captain, Ben Affleck, mistook her for a Mayan artifact and FedExed her to a research team in Los Angeles.

Garner, once in Hollywood, perfected her dancing skills and somehow landed her roles as a Danielle Steele character in Zoya, a cameo on one of those Law & Order shows, and various other semi-significant characters. Jennifer Garner soon moved over into movies and film and in 2000 and got the lead role as Ashton Kutcher's girlfriend, in the stoner comedy hit, Dude, Where's My Fucking Car At? This vechile allowed Jennifer Garner the ability to pursue a career in acting, and after a successful audition, she landed the role of a spy-daddy's daughter in a new ABC series, called "Alias", a sitcom about spies, created by that asshole douche, J J Abrams.

Education[edit | edit source]

Jennifer Garner attended the prestigious UCLA School of Law between acting and non-acting, where she studied Law, as her Major, and concentrated on Nuclear Physics, as her Minor. Her interest in Nuclear Physics came about from her cousin, who was mutated into a giant, green blob of flesh and steroids in a nuclear accident. She graduated UCLA Magna Cum Loud, and has been lucky enough to never have to have used anything that she learned in earning this honor.

Origin of Superpowers[edit | edit source]

Jack Bristow and Irina Derevko.

Career Highlights[edit | edit source]

In 2001, asshole douche JJ Abrams had been greenlighted by ABC to produce Alias and he was looking for a star. Jennifer Garner happened to accidentally walk into the auditioning room (on her way to finding the Gynocologist's office) and JJ Abrams loved her look, height, fashion style, and wig potential so much, he hired her on the spot! By the time Jennifer had graduated UCLA in 2002, Alias had become the #1 show in the world, reaching upwards of 1.5 in the ratings every week!

At this point, Jennifer had gotten many more film deals and in 2003, co-starred along with Box Office Poison actor, Ben Affleck in Daredevil. Affleck, up-until-then, had been best known for playing the duck on those Work Insurance commercials. ("Ask About It At Work.") Daredevil debuted at #4 in the Box Office in February 2003, despite starring Ben Affleck, and came right behind The Mighty Ducks Movie 2003, The Italian Blowjob, and S.W.A.T.. The success of the movie was credited to Garner's performance as electricity, and more movie offers started to role in. Garner followed up that success with the movie Babe: Pig in the City (as the evil, murderous farmer's wife, Garnie) and also landed a role in TMNT (as April Shaquille O'Neal Esquire).

Jennifer Garner, on the advice of her agent, Mother Tucker, took up her first leading role in the movie, Big: The Remake, only it's not a real remake, because it stars a hot chick in it this time around, instead of Tom Hanks. The movie was the biggest flop of 2005, and won 17 Razzie Awards that year, along with other box office disasters, Gigli 2, Halle Berry Can't Play A Superhero For Crap, Jessica Alba Makes A Crappy Superheroine, Too, and Basic Instinct 2: What The Fuck Were We Thinking Making This Piece Of Shit? Jennifer Garner accepted her Razzies in person, thinking that they were Golden Globes (although the only Golden Globes that night were under her red one-piece, if you catch my drift, wink-wink!).

After that setback, Garner got her second leading role in a film, in the sequel/spinoff to Daredevil, where she reprised her role from the first movie. Only this movie sucked even harder than Daredevil did, but at least it wasn't as bad as her last movie was. After these serious setbacks, Garner started doubting her ability to be a lead actress in Hollywood and turned her attention to the Law, where she opened up her own law firm in Beverly Hills and used her famous name to launch her attorney career.

By 2006, Jennifer Garner had become the leading attorney in Beverly Hills, after successful cases for the likes of Wolverine, Tony Stark, Elongated Man, J. Jonah Jameson, Jenna Jameson, and even her cousin, the famed rapper, Bruce David Banner. After her successful run in Superhuman Law, Jennifer joined the Fantastic Four, after The Thing was diagnosed with cancer. Not the disease, though. The constellation. In the superhero group of the Fantastic Four, Jennifer got in many Feminist arguments with the chauvinistic pig and all around Man's man, Johnny Storm, and often times, Jennifer tried to make out with the married "Mr. Fantastic," Keith Richards. During one mission, Jennifer Garner almost got blown up by S.H.I.E.L.D.

After her run was over in The Fantastic Four (she was later replaced by Gwyneth Paltrow), Jennifer was able to get work again in Hollywood. In late 2006, she started filming the movie "Winged Creatures", a film about a swarm of mosquitos that terrorize New York City, and absolutely nowhere else on the eastern coast of the United States. On August 17th, 2007, "Winged Creatures" opened up at Number One at the Box Office, beating out SuperBad and Hot Rod, two shitty Napoleon Dynamite rip offs. With the success of her new movie, Access Hollywood called Jennifer Garner the "'Comeback of the Year', not counting Bruce Willis in Live Free or Die Hard."

With her Acting career brighter than ever, Jennifer Garner has just wrapped up shooting the movie Dangerous Bologna, which stars her and Nicole Richie and is slated for a January 2008 release. Beacuse of her work on Alias, she is currently in works to play the role of the pink-haired super-spy/Auto Insurance claims agent, Erin Esurance in the upcoming, highly-anticipated Esurance: The Movie. The live-action movie is slated for a Summer 2008 release date.

Related Stars[edit | edit source]

References[edit | edit source]

Oh, shoot! I was supposed to put that in here, wasn't I?

External Links[edit | edit source]

Damn... I'll get back to you on that one, potna!