HowTo:Stand still

Rocks are experts at standing still. Just look at this one. Does it move? Does it? You get my point.

“Witty quotes do not require physical motion.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Standing still

“I wozzs a mirsteks my muvva toldsz me s0!! :( ”

~ Nathan smith nonono on Standing still

The ancient art of standing still is little known today, yet can prove to be useful in a variety of situations. Standing still, in a nutshell, is the (in)action of not moving at all. If your destiny is to become a Royal Guard of Her Majesty the Queen of Britain, a model for a sculptor, or a piece of rock, then the following Howto is for you. Don't move, read on!

Why standing still?

This bear is probably not standing still. Maybe you should have been...

“Standing still enables me not to move.”

~ Captain Obvious on Standing still

Imagine yourself walking in some forest in the wilderness of Canada. The air is pure and fresh, the trees are green, in the distance you can hear the streaming of a river, and the ferocious roar of a bear. Actually, this last one was just behind you. You turn yourself slowly on your feet and discover that you have been followed since the beginning of your walk by a hungry, enraged, 4-meter tall black guy.

Now let me ask you this question: would this have happened to you if you had chosen to stand still in your car, instead of going for a stupid walk? Now you start to realize the power of standing still.

Not all is lost, of course. You can die standing still now. This will reduce the length of your agony as death would be quick and painless , as the bear won't have to run after you for half a mile before mauling you. So you see, even in extreme situations, standing still is very useful.

Do you follow me? You'd better not, since this is about standing still. On to the next part...

Standing still as a self-defence martial art

“Everything moves in the Tao, except what stands still.”

~ Goa Tse on Standing still

We have seen above that standing still can prevent you from getting hurt, or can minimize how much you get hurt in a dangerous situation. Standing still, as a martial art, contains only one kata, aptly named "Stand perfectly Still." It consists in not moving. A traditional form is shown below.

Standing Still, as shown on the course syllabus. The sequence should be read from right to left, Japanese-style. Notice the various non-movements in the Kata. This is very important.

This kata (latin for gay man) can be used as a preventive strike in all situations that may be dangerous:

Example 1: meeting the girl of your dreams

Situation: The girl of your dreams is walking towards you.

Technique: Stand perfectly still and saying that your gay.

Outcome: The girl walks past you and and slaps you with a fish,and now your the most unpopular guy in school again. She didn't call you "cute" this time, thanks to your digusting gayness.

Example 2: getting a pay raise by talking to your boss

Situation: You are in your boss' office, and he asks you what you are doing here.

Technique: Stand perfectly still and telling him u f**cked his wife.

Outcome: After a while, the boss will forget about your presence,because he discetely killed you so quick you didnt notice, and go back to its normal activities. He didn't show you the door this time, thanks to the fact your guts are smeared across the floor.

Example 3: trying to smuggle some drugs at the airport

Situation: You are holding a ass full of coke and approaching the security check.

Technique: Stand perfectly still clenching your butcheeks to keep the drugs in.

Outcome: People will overtake you and after a while you will need to crap. The airport closes at 11pm, at which time you will be shown to the toilets. You have succeeded in being caught, thanks to your lose bowels!

Now let's move on to the next part, metaphorically speaking of course.

Standing still as a sport

One of Hitler's first tries at standing still. Nice try, Adolf.

“Stand still while Big Brother is watching YOU!”

~ Georges Orwell on Standing still

While for some people standing still is a lifesaver, for some others, it is a highly competitive sport. People such as Oscar Wilde, Mount Everest, Mahatma Gandhi and Adolf Hitler have all taken this sport very seriously and regularly compete against each other.

Standing Still has been included in 1979 in the list of sports practiced in the Olympic Games, under the pressure of advertising companies. The basic idea is that it is easier to read an ad sticked on a person standing still than one on a person running around, jumping or swimming in some pool. Standing still is taking a bigger part of the Games every passing year. It is expected that in the next Olympic Games, Standing Still and Curling would be the two only sports left; although some critics argue that curling is a bastardised form of Standing Still anyway.

If you're a sportsman, it could be good for your career to learn standing still. It's quite simple, really. Just don't move. You don't need to spend countless hours building muscle mass, follow strainful trainings every day, run/swim/cycle/jump/whatever, you just need to not move at all. No need for dope either (although coffee may help). Really, standing still is the sport of the future!

Ecology of standing still

If you don't stand still, Al Gore will come to your house and show you how he looks when he gives a blowjob.

“God wanted us to move, thats why he gave women legs and told them to do it for us.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Standing still

With all this global warming, tsunamis and tornadoes going amok recently, don't you think it's a good time to do something for Mother Earth? Yes, little man, even you as an individual can have an impact on the environment and help save the world for the future generations. What you need to do is to stand still. This:

• reduces energy consumption (no driving, no moving to go light on some stupid electric devices, nothing),
• recudes gas emissions (if you can actually stop breathing).

Don't just stand still alone! Tell your friends about this too! By standing still together, we can save our world!

More stuff...?

Well, please stand still while I go gather more stuff to complete this howto... Don't move, ok? I'll be right back!