HowTo:Participate in Society

You, perhaps?

You do not currently fit into society. You are abnormal, crazy, dangerous, ill-fitting and ugly. There are many reasons why you might want to fit better into society, such as a longing for any form of human interaction, or perhaps the urge to acquire that special someone-with-a-pulse has become too much. At present, the other members of society do not understand you. They don’t understand why your hair is long and greasy, why your skin is pale, and why your t-shirt alludes to Star Wars. Well, fear not, for many people have cured themselves following these steps that allowed then to better fit into society. With a bit of work, I have no doubt you will be a fully functioning twat like the rest of us.

Step 1: Get the look

Just like this guy

In order to fool everyone into believing that you are of the same ilk as they unfortunately appear to be, have a look around. Look at young people and observe the clothes and hair they have. A good guide for this would be to look at young celebrities, mainly pop-stars. Find someone who is currently spewing out hit after hit of appalling crap. Note that while you and I – "abnormal" and ill-fitting members of society – can easily and obviously tell this music is shit, it is readily consumed by the masses. It is the power of their look that allows this paradox. From having just risked a walk down my local Highstreet, I can suggest that medium-length hair, fixed vertically, is apparently the thing. Also, consider a ridiculous-looking moustache.

Step 2: Learn the lingo

This is similar to step 1, but may require actually conversing with members of society. This can be an impossible task at the best of times, but you must endeavour if you wish to fit in. Try and engage a young person in conversation and attempt to pick up their modern colloquialisms. (Remember not to punch the twat you are speaking to). Eavesdropping can get good results. You can usually tell if something is slang, due to either how retarded it sounds, or how opposite to sense it makes. For example, in the USA it is not uncommon to hear, rather than "get your hair done", "get your hair did". This demonstrates the decline in the old paradigm "School is Cool". In the UK, "Allow smelly people on the train" translates as "do not allow smelly people on the train." An alternative method for discovering the correct lingo would be to scout the Internet, and then, after you’ve finished masturbating, look up some local youth slang.

Step 3: Choose your sexuality

The default response should always be "No".

You thought you were born with a certain sexuality, or one developed overtime due to an array of external and internal influences? Well, you’re wrong, sexuality is chosen. In modern society we are represented with a plethora of sexualities, and you are free to pick and choose from them until you are happy with the identity you have created for yourself this week. So you think that telling people you are bi-gender queer could cause problems? Don’t worry; you don’t have to participate in any of the acts that the particular sexuality entails or even know what it means, as long as you consistently and constantly tell people that you are. If someone questions your sexuality, and in a way that you do not have the answers for, accuse them of being sexist, racist or an agent of perpetual oppression in a society that just does not get you. Remember, while almost all orientations are allowed under the beautiful rainbow that is the spectrum of sexuality, there are a few dark corners where the lights of the rainbow never reach. Be careful not to affiliate yourself with the forbidden sexualities.

Here are a few example sexualities you can choose from:

• Homosexual
• Bisexual
• Genderqueer
• Pansexual
• Metrosexual
• Ponysexual

It is not acceptable to be asexual. All the cool kids are "doing it". You should be, too.

Step 4: Consume the correct media

I imagine you currently enjoy a good comedy, an indie movie, or an eye-opening documentary about the plight of the Zulus. If you want to fit into society, you will need to watch more scantily clad girls fighting by swimming pools. Some movies are acceptable, but they must be about vampires or have the characters burst into song at regular intervals. If you are to watch a documentary it must be about a warlord named Kony.

Step 5: Get a job

Hair gel and One Direction tickets are expensive. In order to fund your new lifestyle, you will need a job. You have three choices before you: merchant banker, lawyer and McDonald's. Then you must decide whether you want to tell everyone, on a regular basis, how much you hate your job or how great you and your job are.

Step 6: Get married

A traditional marriage proposal

Now that you look the part, sound the part, and are participating in the proper activities, you should be able to convince someone you are normal for long enough to trick them into marrying you. Once marriage has occurred, you may drop the charade, as this will help with the next two steps of Participating in Society.

Step 7: Have children

It is entirely essential for the proliferation of society that you spew out as many lovely children as your wife's ovaries will allow. Don't worry about the inevitable burden they will place on all aspects of your life, as, if you correctly follow this guide, you will be both divorced and dead soon enough.

Step 8: Get divorced

Standard decoration of a divorce cake

Everyone gets divorced. The more you get divorced, the more normal you are. No one likes a smug prick who has been happily married for years; you can just tell they never loudly argue in clubs or by swimming pools. Repeat steps 6 through 8 as necessary.

Step 9: Make sure that death occurs before old age

These gentlemen did not follow Step 9. The results (shown) are tragic.

It is well-known that old people are unable to properly participate in society. Did you know that most old people have never been to a One Direction concert? There are a variety of methods of ensuring an early death:

• Asbestos inhalation
• Chronic alcoholism
• Visiting Sierra Leone
• Stepping on a gangster's Reeboks
• Huffing too many kittens

These are just some of the many ways in which you can ensure death, and thus round off a successful go at life. There's no pressure. Just find method that's right for you, and hurry up and fucking do it before it's too late.