Jared Fogle

Jared Fogle is really, really, disgustingly fat

Jared S. Fogle (December 1, 1977-May 24, 2018), also known as The Subway Guy, was a spokesman employed by Subway Restaurants in its advertising campaigns and also a convicted sex offender, but we'll get to that later. He was known for his significant weight loss from eating nothing but 6-inch Turkey Subway footlongs and partaking in extensive calisthenic workouts with those of the younger persuasion.

Growing up Greasy

Jared Fogle was peculiarly born in Montchester Hospital on December 1, 1977 in Indianapolis, Indiana. Peculiar, not because Montchester Hospital has no maternity ward nor licensed physicians, but rather due to the auspices under which Jared entered into existence. Cybil Fogle (indeed the failed actress Cybil Shepherd who married Professional Trans-Fat eating champion "Clogged" Arty Fogle) woke up complaining of stomach pains and was immediately rushed to the hospital, with Arty at the wheel of his white Honda Odyssey. Upon arriving, Cybil's eyes began fluttering, followed by falling deep into a dangerous coma. Arty, worried about the baby, put his ear to her stomach to see if he could hear or feel any movement. Like any film by Quentin Tarantino or Wes Craven, Arty's ear suddenly vanished in a fountain of blood. Falling back grasping his earless hole, Arty gazed back as he saw his would-be son eating away at his wife. The tale of Jared Fogle's insatiable appetite began.

Jared's interactions with minors

Jared Fogle, throughout his learning experience, felt insatiable hunger pains. While children typically packed one bag of lunch for school, Jared packed 65536...for lunch. However, he also packed over 9000 more bags of food a day to be eaten at equal intervals to help curb his appetite. Eventually, Jared was wearing a horse feeder in order to be able to eat at all times of the day. This earned him the nicknames "Fat Horse", "Lard Fat", and "Stinky Horse Fat". By the 5th grade, Jared stood at 6' 7" short but weighed a tiny 512 lbs for his gargantuan food intake beyond that of the world’s biggest sumo wrestler.

Despite his nose, Jared had many a friend; while the stench of his rolls of fat often repelled people, wilted flowers, and killed small animals, Jared knew quite a few obese female prostitutes (he couldn't afford them and usually incapacitated them and fucked them in the asshole until they woke up and he ate them because he likes his prostitutes like he likes his minors, screaming for their fucking lives) and often offered his little sister a chance to rest on his waterbed stomach. Before graduating the 8th grade, Jared Fogle had peaked at 1024 lbs. and had already won four national eating titles in the categories of Ice-Cream, Donuts, Pig Parts, and Things that even the Taiwanese Won't Eat.

High School Heart-ache: Sweethearts and Sweettarts

By high school, Jared could no longer support his horrible eating addiction. The amount of food he consumed in one day cost him such an exorbitant amount of money that he had stopped sleeping in order to work for it, along with his breathing problems and joint pain.

Instead, Jared now slipped out during Health class to hunt small animals and cook them on the grill attached to his poorly-built Ford car. Unfortunately, due to the high amount of hydrogenated vegetable oil and trans-fats found in squirrels, bunny rabbits, and wandering children, Jared Fogle pressed the scale further to 360 lbs. The football coach noticed this, and recruited Jared Fogle for the team, placing him on special teams as a punter. They lost every game. The coach was subsequently fired, then eaten. The fat content of Coach Wheeler was too much for Jared at this point, and Jared keeled over writhing in pain after placing his fork down. Jared, at age 17, had suffered his first, of 13, heart attack. Also, what helped him lose weight was his AIDS, oops, I mean aides. I forgot the "e". Sorry. But he got butt raped in jail because Old man Herbert told him to drop the soap, which ironically was how he killed Kenny.

This kitten passed through Jared's intestinal tract and was later farted out. The kitten died 2 years later when Jared came back for seconds.

"No Jared, NOT MITTENS!"

Upon graduating high school (notably, Jared helped his team win the pennant his senior year, was nominated for fattest farm animal for the yearbook, and took a bag full of 15 double quarter-pounders as a date to the prom) Jared drifted from city to city, feeding on small animals and wayward hobos. Eventually, Jared worked out a scam where he would go door to door pretending to sell pet food insurance while eating all the pets in the house, and no one was the wiser. This is how Jared subsisted for 3 years, until in the middle of one of his flim-flams, he accidentally farted a live kitten. The family immediately called the police and Jared was taken to Sea-World, the only facility with the capacity to hold Fogle's enormous girth. No normal jail cell could comfortably hold him so he was instead taken to the Shamu tank where, you guessed it, he ate Shamu's trainers and fornicated with the whale. The whale's a dude.

The Soviet's Last Hope

One night, very late after all the guards had gone to sleep, Jared awakened to find four soviet henchmen from Siberia, dragging him out of the tank. They dragged him 40 miles to the Florida coast, where they then loaded him onto a boat and tied him down (they did this for worry that Jared's fat flaps would catch the wind, causing the boat to run aground).

The Soviets planned to use Jared as part of their newest plot to destroy the United States: fast food disguised as a healthy substitute.

The Soviets secret plan to take over Earth using Jared

They went under the acronym of S.U.B.W.A.Y., or Soviets Undermining the Bestial Western America for Yeltsin. The plan seemed so simple: create a fast food chain that has all the unhealthiness of a common McDonald's cheeseburger, but advertise it to the public as a healthy alternative.

When America finally gains an incredible amount of weight, they will gravitate towards each other until they finally form one globular roll of fatty flesh. Once this occurs, the Soviets would enter into America, take the giant glob, and launch it into the atmosphere, creating a second fleshy moon. This new fat moon, or as the Soviets would come to call it, the "Fat Star", would be used as a "solar eclipser"- the soviets would be able to freely manipulate it into the path of sun rays to other countries. The soviets, using this second moon, would force other countries to live in darkness or submit to the iron fist of fat under the Soviets. In order to do this, the Soviets had to create the illusion that Jared lost all that weight eating only subway. They did this easily through liposuction, and then used the excess fat to make their southwest chipotle sauce even more delicious and succulent.

Stop Communism Where it Starts: Subway

The only way to stop Communism and the Soviets from taking over America and the rest of the world is to stop eating at Subway altogether, unless you like being banged on by the pants guy. Unless America wants to be part of a giant fleshy moon, we must band together to lose weight and not eat Subway. Don't be fooled by the illusion that Jared is skinny; he most certainly isn't anymore, and he’s bounced back to being a landwhale. While liposuction was a temporary solution, Jared reverted to his old ways 2 years ago and began devouring everything in sight. He died when he choked on a younger gentleman's phallus, who was only 7 years old and in the second grade.

• Subway Commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHKYs8Gfr4Q