HowTo:Calm down

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Peace, lone traveller. I will be your Dalai Lama for your journey towards calmness.

This is me, man, like, playing my guitar and all, dude. Like, take note of the wiseness in my eyes, dude. You can clearly see I'm not giving taking a shit.

Let's begin[edit | edit source]

This is you. Like, take note of the unCALMNESS in your eyes (while being veiled by dark optics, whoa, like those worn by g-men), man. You can clearly see that you're not taking giving a shit, dude.

First of all, man, you'll need to remember that turning yourself into a calm state is no easy task, dude. It could also be dangerous, but, whoa, like, in some cases, if you fail to follow my precise instructions, brother.

What you will need[edit | edit source]

First things first[edit | edit source]

Forget about the world. That job. That fat bitch. That whore. Your money. Your home. Everything. However, do not forget your computer. Yes, the one you are using to view this right now, for you need to follow the precise instructions of your Dalai Lama as you journey towards the calm seas. If you do want to forget about the computer, consider printing this on paper.

After that[edit | edit source]

Take a chill pill. Roll up the stuff in a nice roll. Nicely. Picture yourself while you were working at Taco Bell, oh wait, you forgot about that. Anyway, just roll it. There, there. Now, very carefully light a match, and use it to light up the roll you just made. See that smoke coming up from the roll? Smell it. Whoa! Smells nice, right? Now observe the smoke. Are you seeing patterns? If you do, dude, you did right. If you don't, you did something wrong, man, go back to the part where you make a roll.

Next[edit | edit source]

Dude, turn on your soothing music. Like, does it sound nice? Now, observe the vocalist. If it is male, continue. If it is female, throw it in the nearest fire possible, man. If it is male but the tone sounds similar to a female, continue to sniff the smoke coming out of your roll until the tone is as low as this. Now, like, set the song to repeat and play it as loud as possible, whoa, dude, so that others may know of your journey towards calm seas, man.

Like, this is government mind control liquid, dude. You need to drain it from your body, dude, like, whoa, it's bad for your health, man.

Now, dude, get that hoohaah you prepared earlier and wait for the chorus of the song, man. Like, when the chorus starts, position the shiny end of the hoohah on your wrist. Now, dude, begin to caress your wrists with the hoohah. If red stuff squirted out of your wrists, whoah, man! You did good. If there is none, you did something wrong, like, try positioning the thin part of the shiny part of the hoohah for maximum peace, man. If white stuff came out of your wrist, be aware that what you caressed is NOT your wrist. Try again, traveller dude.

Also, be sure not to perform this calming exercise in front of a group, preferably a crowd, or even in front of your mother. They will easily become hinderances to your final objective of calmness, dude.

Keep going until that weird red stuff oozing out of your wrists stop sprinkling all over you, lone dude. Try not to swallow any of that red stuff man, they're government mind control liquid, like, bad for your health, dude.

Congratulations[edit | edit source]

Once all the red stuff is gone and governmental mind control is out of your system, congratulations, dude, you're now calm! Now get some mary and huff sweet puffs of glory with the Jee-man up in the skies, man! And don't worry about your life, like, some old loser will probably pick it up and continue. Peace out, dude.

See also[edit | edit source]