HowTo:Become a metalhead

Worship the bass.

You want to journey into HEAVY METAL, huh? You've probably come here because you're a loser and need help making friends in your class, or maybe you have a crush on that edgy girl in your class and want to impress her with your "superior" tastes in music. Today this guide will be telling you how to Stop being a poser and Start being a true authentic METALHEAD!!

Step One: Start Listening to Metal

Seriously, I thought you would've already figured that out.

But you don't just listen to any metal. Especially not Nu Metal. And you don't listen to mainstream bands, either, because those are for posers. You have to find the most obscure band in the world. Here's a few questions you can ask yourself, if you're not sure you've found the perfect band:

1. Do they play out of a basement in Brazil?
2. Do they only have one album?
3. Did they stop playing music 15 years ago?
4. Are you the only person in the world that knows about this band?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, It's the perfect metal band. And, if the band's extremely obscure, you'll sound even more awesome when you say to your newfound friends, "Hey, have you heard of The Äs̈s̈m̈ön̈s̈ẗër̈s̈?"

You also have to start thinking about genres, too.

Genres of metal

Metal has lots of genres for your ears to "enjoy".

• Heavy Metal is the most common type. You probably thought of it when you saw this article's title!
• Death Metal GGGRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Doom Metal is what happens when you give an entire band a melatonin overdose. It usually results in slow and heavy songs that use the same riff for 13 minutes.
• Stoner metal is the same thing, but with weed instead of melatonin. Produces the same results, though.
• Kawaii Metal is a type of metal marketed exclusively to anime nerds.
• Christian Metal is metal music that praises our lord! The fanbase for Christian Metal is very large, just look at all of them.

Step 2: Make friends

A tr00 metalhead should have metalhead friends. All the cool metalheads hang out at MA. There, you can find a bunch of likeminded people on their internet forum, and you can even write reviews of bands that you've pirated that you like (or hate).

Metalheads \m/asturbating

If you do manage to impress someone and become friends with them, something that you and your awesome metal gang can do is kill posers, collect CDs, and go to concerts. That is, if the band you like still exists.

Final Ultimate Step: Make your own band

Here's where stuff gets interesting. If ya wanna be an ultimate metalhead, ya gotta be in a band. Convince your grandma to let you use her basement. Gather all of your metalhead friends. And start making music. No one has ever thought of this idea before, so you have to be quick about it.. Oh, wait. There are too many bands to count.

Reflections

Now, instead of being a stinky old poser metal fan, you're a cool metalhead. Go ahead and listen to obnoxiously loud music. These changes are irreversible, you know!

See also

• You Are A Metalhead
• HowTo:Start a band