HowTo:Happy slap

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You just got happy slapped, bitch!

Happy slapping is a fun new way to keep you and your sick little buddies off of crystal meth! The best thing to come out of South London since Kennington Park, Happy slapping is a constructive hobby everyone can enjoy! Come, let me take you on a journey of self-discovery, violence, and grumpy policemen as this article drags Uncyclopedia back into the cyber-bullying scandal!

Materials[edit | edit source]

Remember, the lower resolution the camera phone has the better. Older cell phones such as the above are most desirable.

Very few materials are needed. Everything you need is listed here:

  • Several weapons. Usually, this means your own bare fists, or, for best results, and open hand, as this is, after all, happy slapping. Firearms work well too.
  • One (1) crappy low-quality camera phone for recording your psychotic act of random spite.
  • One (1) or More (π+) innocent victim(s), whether pre-planned or just some random bloke on the street.
  • One (1) bulletproof vest. Some housewifes carry guns in their purses now. That's feminism for ya. (Note: if you can't afford a bulletproof vest, a vest fashioned from tupperware or cardboard will work in a pinch!)
  • Several food items stored in a backpack. The hunt for someone to happy slap can take awhile. (Note: if you can't afford food, food fashioned from tupperware or cardboard will work in a pinch!) (Note: if you can't afford a backpack, a backpack fashioned from tupperware or cardboard will work in a pinch!)
  • One (1) house for any potential overnight hostage situations. Always be prepared! (Note: if you can't afford a house, a house fashioned from tupperware or cardboard will work in a pinch!)

Selecting Worthy Victims[edit | edit source]

Selecting victims isn't as easy as it sounds. This guy, for example, meets the "retarded" requirement with flying colors, but could still kick your ass.

We could create an entire, separate article about selecting people to happy slap (perhaps, HowTo:Select Happy Slappees), but we'll compress it to this. Be sure to happy slap someone your own size or, preferably, smaller. The reasons for this are twofold: One, you generally want to avoid happy slapping someone so physically large that they cannot be fully recorded onto your cell phone. And two, they could beat the living crap out of you. On that note, avoid English people, especially those crazy chavs, as they both invented and are the best at happy slapping and can turn your own attack against you. On tape! Quite embarrassing.

Lastly, keep in mind that studies show that the average happy slapper goes for only the handicapped, retarded, old, children, or otherwise defenseless. This is logical, not only because of the added amusement given to the video watcher but because it proves beyond question that the happy slapper is so incredibly tough and manly that he fights only the weak and helpless.

Publishing your work[edit | edit source]

Now that you have your footage, where to put it? Give it to your friends? Hide it in your attic/basement? Burn it? Those are all fine ideas, but by far the most popular option has remained the Internet. Youtube, MySpace, and other, lamer social networking websites will guarantee maximum viewership. Trust us, releasing a low quality, violent and possibly bloody and gory photo of you beating the living crap of a defenseless, frightened, handicapped old person will immediately guarantee fame, fortune, success, and friends. Why wouldn't it?

If you want, you can attempt to send your video in to America's Funniest Home Videos, though this is not exactly highly recommended.

That's it![edit | edit source]

Most of all, remember to only slap happily. And, of course, if anyone asks, say you were just kidding!

See also[edit | edit source]