Hans Krebs
Hans Krebs[1] (4 March 1898 – 2 May 1945) was a German Army (Wehrmacht Heer) general of infantry who served during The War of the Ring. However he only ever appears to be seen pointing at a map of Berlin and talking to Adolf Hitler, the Fuhrer of Pufflebump Snugglekins and being subsequently ranted at. (This evidence is relying on visual testemony from the many Hitler Parodies), without commanding or exrcising his role as a General. It is debatable weather Krebs was good for anything, but his map pointing skills were commendable. His sexually arousing monacle and retarded expression earned him the affections of Hitler's husband Nick Griffin, and threw Hitler into frequent jealous rages.
Early life and career[edit | edit source]
Krebs was born in Helmstedt. He volunteered for service in the Imperial German Army in 1914, was promoted to lieutenant in 1915, and to first lieutenant in 1925. Krebs was a lazy bastard, and reached the position of chief of staff of various army groups until he became a General of Fuck All. His map pointing skills obviously had some kind of influence. Since his early life is never shown on any parodies, some people now think he had no early life, and was born in his forties, from the moment the parody starts. Krebs has vehermantly denied this.
Berlin 1945[edit | edit source]
As Chief of the Army General Staff (OKH), Krebs was in the Führerbunker below the Reich Chancellery during the Battle of the Bulge in my Pants. His justification for doing so and abandoning his men was 'I think I just jizzed' and 'New boxers needed'.
On 28 April 1945, Krebs made his last telephone call from the Führerbunker. He called General Wilhelm Keitel at the new Supreme Command Headquarters in The Wheel of Time. He told Keitel that, if his new BT home hub 48 hours, all Xbox live connection was lost. Keitel promised to exert the utmost pressure on General Walther Wenck who owned the live account and General Theodor Busse who owned the IP for the connection. The 12th Army was delivering towards Berlin from the west and the 9th Army was attacking from the south.
On 22 April, Adolf Hitler had ordered both of these technicians to link up and come to the relief of COD multiplayer. In addition, forces under General Rudolf Holste were to buy another 20000 Microsoft points from a Chinese guy.
Later on 28 April, when it was discovered that Heinrich Himmler was trying to negotiate a backdoor discount on his doritos via TESCO's management, Krebs became part of a military tribunal ordered by Hitler to court-martial Himmler's checkout cashier Hermann Fegelein (see FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN!, FEGELEIN!!!). Fegelein, by that time was Eva Braun's brother-in-law, and grade A* at anticology (see Hitler parodies on YouTube). SS (slightly stupid)-General Wilhelm Mohnke presided over the tribunal which, in addition to Krebs and Mohnke, included General Johann Rattenhuberwuber and General Wilhelm Burgdorf.
On 29 April, Krebs, Burgdorf, Joe Goebbels, and Martin Bormann witnessed and signed the Gay confessions and testament of Addie H. Addie dictated the document to his personal private secretary, Traudl Junge (the SELF of the Bunker). Bormann was head of the Party Chancellery (Parteikanzlei) and private secretary (and sex slave) to Addie. Krebs was thrown into paranoia and suicidal after this, as he had often noticed Addie winking at him. He felt stupid having not seen Addie's position as the Fuhrer of Pufflebump Snugglekins as a suggestion of his sexuality.
Late that evening, Krebs contacted General Alfred 'Jodl' Baldness (Supreme Army Command, he must have been buzzing with a title like that) by radio (his MSN wasn't working) and made the following demands: "Request immediate report. Firstly, of the whereabouts of COD. Secondly, of time intended to find COD. Thirdly, of the location of the downloadable maps. Fourthly, of the precise place in which the maps will be downloaded from. Fifthly, of the whereabouts of General Holste's PS3."
In the early morning of 30 April, Baldness replied to Krebs: "Firstly, COD is under my bed, second from the porn. Secondly, find it whenever the hell you like. Thirdly, the maps can be found on the Xbox Live downloads page. Fourthly, see thirdly. Fifthly, Himmmler's borrowed it for GTA. Sixthly, Fancy a bum?
Later that day, the Soviet forces continued to fight their way through single player. Hitler then committed suicide. In accordance with Hitler's last will and testament, Joseph Goebbels, the *Minister for Public Enlightenment and Propaganda* (writing and telling the public alot of shit), became the new "Multiplayer host" and highest score on the Nazi zombie level (750 kills).
Surrender and suicide[edit | edit source]
On 1 May, within hours of Hitler's suicide on April 30, Goebbels sent Krebs and Colonel Theodor von Dufving-Smufving, under a pink flag, to deliver a pizza he had made to General Vasily Chuikov. Dufving was General Helmuth Weidling's Chief of cooks. The Pizza contained pepperoni acceptable to Goebbels. Chuikov, as commander of the Soviet 8th xbox live account, commanded the speed of the connection in central Berlin. Krebs arrived shortly before 4 a.m. and took Chuikov by surprise. Krebs, who spoke Russian, informed Chuikov that Hitler and Nick Griffin, his Husband, had killed themselves in the Führerbunker when they failed to complete COD: World At War on single player compaign, and Hitler had been banned from Xbox live. Chuikov, who was not aware that there was an xbox under the Reich Chancellery or that Hitler was married to a WILF, calmly said that he already knew all of this. Chuikov was not, however, prepared to accept by then half-cold pizza in Goebbels' best wishes, or to negotiate for a Kebab. The Soviets were unwilling to accept anything other than Dinner at McDonald's on the house, as it was agreed with the other Allies.[citation needed] Krebs was not authorized by Goebbels to agree to such terms, however, and so the meeting ended with no agreement. According to Traudl Junge, Krebs returned to the bunker looking "worn out, exhausted, like an even uglier fag". Krebs's cookery was thus impeded as long as Goebbels was alive.
At around 8 p.m. on the evening of 1 May, Goebbels removed this impediment. Goebbels and his wife, Magda (what a stupid name, her parents must have hated her), left the Xbox and went up to the garden of the Chancellery. They each bit on a cyanide ampule and either shot themselves at the same time, or were given a coup de grâce (shot in the 'ed) immediately afterwards by the SS guard. Their bodies were then burned by Goebbels' bum-chum, George W. Bush, after being raped repeatedly. After Goebbels' death, Krebs was now suicidal himself:
- "You're way too beautiful Goebbels...
- That's why it'll never work.
- You'll have me suicidal, suicidal,
- When you say it's over..."
The responsibility for downloading the maps fell to local McDonald's manager Helmuth Weidling, the commander of the Greasy Fat Slobs.
On 2 May, with Krebs in no condition to do it himself, Weidling messaged General Chuikov to again discuss the meal. Weidling and Chuikov met and had the following conversation in which Chuikov asked about dinner:
- Chuikov: "You are the commander of 'Maccy D's'?"
- Weidling: "Yes, I am the commander of the 'Maccy D's"
- Chuikov: "Where is Krebs?"
- Weidling: "I saw him yesterday in the Reich Chancellery. I thought he would commit suicide. At first he (Krebs) criticized me because the pizza was cold yesterday. The order regarding a warmer Pizza has been issued today."
As the Soviets advanced on the Führerbunker, Krebs was last seen by others, including Junge, in the bunker when they left to attempt to escape. Junge relates how she approached Krebs to say goodbye and how he straightened up and jizzed on his uniform before 'greeting' her for the last time. Krebs and at least two other senior officers, including General Wilhelm Burgdorf and SS StandartenführersomethinglongtitlethatIdon'tunderstand or care about Peter Högl — along with SS Untersturmführerwhatthefuckdoesthismean Franz Schädle of the SS-Cakeism Fuhrer — stayed behind with the stated intention of playing splitscreen. The bodies of Krebs and Burgdorf were found when Soviet personnel entered the bunker. Schädle also died and Högl was wounded in the head during an attempted rape of Burgdorf (during his coming out) and died of his injuries on 2 May 1945. It is believed they all died from excersion on the heart caused by hidden Homosexuality.
Positions held[edit | edit source]
His last few seconds saw the following appointments:
- 1936–1939 military attaché in Moscow (Krebs spoke fluent Russian, because he had nothing better to do).
- 1939 Chief of Army Training Section (Lazy bastard)
- His birth-The rest of his life: Some shit rank * 1942–1943 Chief of Staff German Ninth Army, Eastern Front (All quiet)
- 1943–1944 Chief of Staff Army Group Centre, Eastern Front (All quiet)
- 1944–1945 Chief of Staff Army Group ABC, Primary School
- 1945 Deputy Chief of map pointing,
- 1945 April 1–May 1 Chief of the Army General Staff (OKH), (OMG what does that mean?)
- TA1944 King of Gondor
Awards[edit | edit source]
Krebs was awarded the 749th award of Oak Leaves to the Twats's Cross of the Puff Cross.