Google Brain

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A demonstration model of Google's first experimental brain-computer interlink (c. 2013). Fortunately, surgical procedures have advanced significantly since then.

Google Brain is a combination software/hardware package which navigates and maps the human brain. Individuals equipped with a USB to Brain port and a USB 3.0 cable may find it useful for seeking out, organizing, and compartmentalizing long-term memories and other painful childhood experiences.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Google Brain.

History[edit | edit source]

Google Brain began as a minor experimental offshoot of Google Earth in 2011. The initial test subject, Azebriella Gonzales (1983-2012), an employee previously hired by the Google Corporation for custodial operations, was hooked up to Google's internal network for an extended period using a pair of stripped copper wires lodged deep within her skull. Within a matter of seconds, the entire contents of the subject's brain was indexed and cross-referenced into a data structure which was later proved useful for further data processing. Unfortunately, a software technician accidentally hit the delete key, irretrievable erasing Gonzales's entire memory (an estimated 37.5 megabytes). Fortunately, a usable portion of that had already been sampled by Google's mainframe, and after a few selective modifications was trans-loaded back into Gonzales's brain only hours before termination of her employment contract.

At Google ConFab 2014, the Google team announced their first official version (Google Brain 1.0) and demonstrated to the enraptured audience the fundamental interactivity of a modified Google Earth application with (almost) any person's brain. It was only a matter of perfecting the hardware necessary for a relatively pain-free user experience, such as a longer and more light-weight cable, foam-rubber grommets, and an overload circuit breaker.

Google Brain boasts a wide assortment of tools and accessories for exploring the nooks and crannies of your own brain. Zoom in on a labelled area for a more detailed view.

Onscreen interface[edit | edit source]

Google Brain boasts an onscreen interface which should be familiar to users of Google Earth. Data is graphically displayed as incorporated on the surface of a humongous sphere floating majestically in an expanse of otherwise-empty space, which can be rotated and zoomed with the customary keystrokes and mouse commands. Options also include various cartographic projections. Caution is recommended if the user opts for the outmoded Mercator Projection, since parts of the brain near each ear may appear to be inflated to ridiculous proportions. Zooming into a selected area produces a representation composed of sketchy imagery overlain with alphanumeric characters, but ultimate resolution is limited to the end-user's cognitive storage abilities.

The virtual size of, and distance between, specific memories may be given either in virtual kilometers or virtual miles (scaled on the basis of Earth's average radius of 6,371 real-life kilometers). This form of two-dimensional mapping is usually sufficient for everyday purposes, but may be considered as woefully inadequate for people accustomed to "thinking outside of the box".

Search mode[edit | edit source]

Google Brain uses several attributes for finding the exact location of specific memories, such as time and date, emotional state, and attached keywords. Search results may be initially compromised by a user's internal defense mechanisms, but should steadily improve as such roadblocks are worn down with repeated exposure. Many individuals may come up with surprising and entirely unexpected search results, but are (in principle) independently verifiable upon subsequent reflection within a distraction-free environment.

Playback[edit | edit source]

Google Brain also has the ability to build low-fidelity videos (with or without sound) of a person's recollection of actual events, which can be subsequently tailored to alternative points of view. The dreamlike and unreal quality of such video productions may prove to be entertaining and amusing to total strangers, but thoroughly embarrassing to friends and family and hired lawyers.

Recording and playing back actual dreams is also possible, but usually take up an inordinate amount of CPU resources for parsing the incomprehensibly-bizarre imagery. Real-time playback of a user's real-time visual field by Google Brain is not currently possible due to uncontrollable interference from the brain's visual cortex; a direct feed hooked to the user's optic nerves or a handheld vidcorder would be a better option for live broadcasting.

Data transfer and storage[edit | edit source]

Using Google Brain to upload files directly to the user's brain carries a certain amount of risk. The recommended file type for this purpose is a format specifically designed by Google for both indexing by Google's search engine and the utilization of native memory recall (which requires considerable mental effort), and is indicated by the file suffix .goo. Because of the limited capacity of a typical individual's brain (usually less than 500 megabytes), high-resolution image and video files are not recommended for this purpose. Low-resolution JPG image files may be used for importing visual mental imagery, but could result in unexpected graphical defects, such what may appear to be nightmarish memories of insects crawling all over a loved-one's naked body. Ordinary text files usually suffice for quick transfer of factual information to the brain, but are suseptable to inadvertent word-order jumbling and atrocious spelling errors when extracted later.

Mental reconstruction[edit | edit source]

In addition to mapping and displaying the user's brain contents in detail, the user may choose to partially-reconstruct degraded memories using either (a) Google's online best-guess reconstruction algorithm, or (b) inserted text or image files patched directly over that location. Wholesale eradication of a particular memory is signified onscreen by a graphical and comical representation of a World War II bomber plane flying over the mental landscape and releasing its destructive payload upon the desired coordinates. Over-the-counter pain medications may be helpful for alleviating mild discomfort after long and grueling sessions of memorial combat.

Popular virus scanning programs may be integrated with Google Brain in order to aid in locating and eradicating dangerous or annoying memes. Freed-up memory zones may subsequently be buffered from subsequent attack by filling them with useless and harmless data, but the former capacity of those areas are not guaranteed to be fully utilizable due to the cumulative effects of synaptic fatigue and sporadic neuron failure.

Availability[edit | edit source]

Google Brain is available either directly online (, or as a free downloadable software package (minimum 6 gigabytes of computer memory and 200 megabytes of human memory) for anybody with both a computer and a brain. A rechargeable WiFi router may be used for a wireless experience if the user doesn't mind wearing a bulky and geeky-looking helmet with extruding antennae, but carries an increased risk of two-way data corruption and electronic eavesdropping by the government. Supporting hardware and additional mental health insurance must be purchased separately.

Google Brain is not recommended for household pets or users under the age of 8.

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