Glenn Beck (person)
Glenn Lee Beck (born February 10, 1964) is an all-American television personality, radio host, political commentator, and patriot. He hosts his own program on Fox News titled The Glenn Beck Program, which was a hit with the Fox audience and is now the most trusted news source for all Real American patriots.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Beck was born on February 10, 1964. He was raised in Goverthing, Manhattan, a little-known village that was evacuated and buried by the U.S. military in the 1950s. It is believed that this formative experience led to his distrust of government authority and snow globes.
Beck found work as Becko the Rodeo Clown, which would prove to be his first step into show business. He soon showed he had a great skill in distracting the bulls, as he had an innate ability to communicate with them, even seeming to learn their language and speak to them directly. This was a skill he would retain for the rest of his life. To this day, people who encounter Glenn often comment on how he speaks more bull than anyone else.
CNN career[edit | edit source]
Perhaps this is where Glenn's story might have ended. But one fateful day, Rupert Murdoch decided to take a rest from controlling all media and took his family out to the rodeo. They saw some spark in this plucky, rotund clown and decided to make him a star. Murdoch arranged with a Christian Rock radio station to put Beck on the air in exchange for a van full of methamphetamine. When the drugs ran out, Murdoch kidnapped and reprogrammed Glenn for his new mission: to infiltrate CNN and destroy that bastion of left-wing anti-Americanism from the inside.
Beck secured a position as a TV host, though his bosses at CNN were uneasy on his concept of a high-brow, non-opinionated platform for true patriots to speak their minds. CNN had been losing out in the ratings war to Fox's Bill O'Reilly, who was slaughtering them in the key demographic of smart people. Lie-beral critics (most of them Islamofascists or ACORN) thought the show was a worthless steaming pile of dumbed down news, ill-informed opinion, rampant bias, and right wing propaganda against whichever country the neo-cons wanted to invade next. But the show was a massive hit in the ratings, and REAL PATRIOTS knew that it was just the opposite, so there!
Fox News career[edit | edit source]
Beck's objectivity made him an outsider at the liberal CNN network. CNN quickly kicked Beck to the curb and replaced him with Independent anchor Lou Dobbs. A trash hauler picked Beck up the next morning and delivered him to Fox News, where he became a summer replacement for their popular Celebrity Fart Piss & Puke Bloopers show. He became an overnight success after cameramen filmed several of his lectures for broadcast in 2008. Executives gave him his own program, The Glenn Beck Program, which was a success in lecturing true American patriots has made him a hit. With Beck as their rising star, Fox News boosted its ratings.
Conservatives know they can trust Glenn Beck to
bury uncover the facts by interrupting and screaming at debating the issues with Liberals, while also giving head equal time to conservatives like Ben Stein, Ted Nugent, Bob Barr, and others. Beck often becomes violently deranged on the show, and sometimes even cries about the bad economy and the end of the world as Barack Obama takes America down the road to socialism/communism/fascism/pacifism/Islamic law/atheism. But he's no Rush Limbaugh and he connects to the American people and ups his ratings by going foaming-at-the-mouth schizoid on TV. Some claim that he is the Watchman "Dr. Manhattan".
Beck rightly accused Obama and the Federal Government of taking over computers at cars.gov via the EULA, but as usual the retards at The DailyKOS made fun of "poor computer-illiterate and self-educated Glenn Beck". Obama denied it, and claimed Beck must have been off his anti-psychotic medicine that day, because only a car dealer with a login and password could get that far to see a EULA license, and Beck doesn't have such access. Of course, we know Barry's lying, like he always does.
Religion[edit | edit source]
Beck's biography identifies him as a lifelong Mormon, but libtards insist that this is a typo and that he is in fact a Moron. Though these two words sound similar, and both can coexist at the same time, on many occasions during his broadcasts, Beck has clarified that his beliefs and ideas are very close to Orthodox Moron teachings, such as:
- Admiration for George Bush.
- Belief that the entire media is part of a liberal conspiracy (only exception is Beck and the rest of Fox News and Rush Limbaugh and all talk radio coast-to-coast and a few Christian TV and radio networks found in every town, and a few little newspapers like Wall Street Journal and Drudge and blogs and stuff).
- Liberals, especially genocidal dictators like Al Gore and Slick Willie Blythe, are to blame for the world's problems.
Memorable quotes[edit | edit source]
- “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.” (2003)
- "I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it." (2005)
- "When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." (2005)
- “The only Katrina victims we’re seeing on television are the scumbags.” (2005)
- "Barack Obama has a deep seated hatred for white people." (2009)
- "I'm not saying Obama is a sleeper agent of the K.G.B. trained in Kenya then sent to the United States so that several decades later he could become president and make subtle changes to America making it more communist, but I'm not saying he isn't either." (2009)
- "Let me tell you something, there ain’t nothing better than looking at a hot, naked chick." (2006)
Glenn Beck Quotes imitating Captain Obvious[edit | edit source]
Sometimes Glenn Beck imitates Captain Obvious.
- "The U.S. economy is in a recession!"
- "America's Broke!"
- "Liberals love social programs like I love cake! Have some more!"
- "Ethanol is causing high food prices, if we don't control it food will be too expensive. Start stocking up on food now!"
- "the U.S.A. is a suicidal super power because oil is skyrocketing in price, buy a winter coat now in the summer because you won't afford to heat your house in the winter."
- "Cap and trade is another form of the carbon tax which will ruin our economy and make fossil fuels more expensive. Both McCain and Obama support it, which means gas prices will skyrocket when one of them takes office."
- "Even the Frankenstein Monster understands 'High taxes bad, low taxes good!' The government should stop raising taxes and just control what they spend instead."
Ted Nugent imitating Glenn Beck[edit | edit source]
These quotes are by Ted Nugent OK he was a guest on Glenn's show but Glenn laughed and agreed with him.
- Most liberals are like Michael Moore and smell like him too."
- "The average U.S. liberal family weighs four hundred pounds each and has $100,000 in credit card debt from eating too much fast food and buying things they don't need and thus cannot afford house payments and asks for free health care as they fart and burp and smoke a cigar and eat more food and drink more booze."
- "How Conservatives solve the US problems are to vote for John McCain instead of Barack Obama or someone else, and stay on his ass and your Congress person's ass and tell them 'What the hell are you doing with my money?' and 'If there is 31% fraud in government why aren't people in jail and it is being investigated?' and stay on their ass until they run the country better and fix the economy and social programs and government spending and balance the budget and bring everyone back their rights and freedoms."
- "Modern Democrats ignore JFK and his 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' speech and say 'I don't want to pay for my house or credit card debt I want you to pay for it, I don't want my children getting jobs I want you to pay for them, I want you to pay for their education and college as well, I don't want to pay for my health I want you to pay for it even though I weigh 350 pounds and eat nothing but fast food and junk food and smoke and drink.' to their government."
Political views[edit | edit source]
Stopping World War III[edit | edit source]“You got to have an enemy to fight. And when you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler's plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore's enemy, the U.N.'s enemy: global warming. Then you get the scientists -- eugenics. You get the scientists -- global warming. Then you have to discredit the scientists who say, 'That's not right.' And you must silence all dissenting voices. That's what Hitler did.”
— Glenn Beck on For the first time ever clearly articulating why he hates unity against a common foe.
Clearly, from the above argument we can see that Al Gore is a Nazi and possibly a baby murderer. Lets face it, if Hitler saw a Jewish baby, he would obviously try to kill it. So if Al Gore saw a baby causing global warming (such as by farting, or being driven around in a car) he would do everything in his power to kill it! When Hitler had a really big army, he started World War II. Now aren't you grateful Al Gore lost that election in Florida due to hanging chads?
SAVE GLOBAL WARMING! Or you will never be able to fart again, and you'll A Splode at the age of fifty.
Glenn Beck on starting World War III[edit | edit source]“90% of Muslims are a peaceful people. I have read the Koran, and I believe it is a religion of peace. What we need to do is get the good Muslims to stand up to the 10% that try to warp their faith”
— Glenn Beck, the War Monger on How we should destroy Islam
Glenn loves war—it's fan-fucking-tastic, especially when it's against Muslims! Glenn Beck is keen to see us fight the war abroad in Iraq, Afghanistan and (if Glenn was really good this year and Santa grants his wish) Iran. But he also courageously fights the war on the home front,
insulting seeking out and apprehending innocent Muslim Americans evil rag-head terrorist dune bunnies, before they can walk out in disgust cause another 9/11! Take this example, when he challenged Muslim American congressman evil terrorist mastermind and Osama lover Keith Ellison—
— Glenn Beck on why when he speaks the comedy writes itself
Since its impossible to prove a negative (i.e. you cannot prove you DIDN'T commit a crime), following Glenn's masterful argument it must be assumed that since Muslims have failed to prove they are not terrorists, all Muslims (ESPECIALLY those in America) are terrorists and are most likely strapped with suicide belts as we speak! America has Glenn to thank for showing us the way on this issue.
Beck also believes that if you are going to
start senseless wars fight for freedom, you should do it properly! No half measures! We need a good, old fashioned, nuke war!
— Glenn Beck on on how liberal fascists are keeping America from its God given mission to destroy all life on Earth
It is now known that while he was Gaza, he caused a mission boat bringing supplies to the native people to be attacked by Israeli forces when they caught a whiff of his excrement and mistook it for a Biological weapon, proving that even Glenn Beck's shit stinks.
Mature debate[edit | edit source]
Beck is known for his wit and clever word play; many have called him "the Oscar Wilde of our times". Whether he's calling Cindy Sheenan a "pretty big prostitute", saying that Al Gore is a Nazi (comparable to both Hitler and Joseph Goebbels), calling Hilary Clinton a "stereotypical bitch", comparing liberals to fascists, complaining that liberals compare conservatives to fascists, or expressing his sexual fantasies about strangling Michael Moore while getting a rim job from Dick Cheney, Beck always leaves his critics stumped by his quick witted and cutting remarks. Beck is always careful not to corrupt his arguments with any egg headed, ivory-tower "facts" or "evidence", instead using the honest, straight forward, gut feeling based techniques of mud slinging, name calling and rude hand gestures.
Just look at how he
insults people who just lost their homes strikes a blow against the enemies in our midst that God has chosen to punish!
— Glenn Beck on why people who lost their homes in 2007 forest fires in California had it coming
Glenn Beck's Minions and how you can be one too![edit | edit source]
America is now being transformed by the millions of mindless, brainwashed drones, too vacant to think for themselves any more, who instead wolf down the shit this tubby moron spews out of their televisions and rams down their throats. They love Glenn Beck--and you can too. Why don't you go and watch Glenn Beck on television? Or listen to him on the radio? Or buy one of his fantastic books? Or, if you are an attractive young woman, Glenn has some time and a camera, so why don't you stop by?
Just look at the pictures of Glenn on this page. Doesn't he look friendly? Stare at him and you will feel your problems melt away. Why not let Glenn think for you? He cares about you. Glenn cares about all of us. You are feeling sleepy now, why don't you rest your mind? Let Glenn take over. When you hear Glenn's voice you will feel happy.
You will think about how right he is and how much you love him.
To not agree with Glenn will cause you pain! Terrible, icky pain!
Now you will become one of us...
One of us....
One of us....