Fort Hays State University

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Fort Hays State University, formerly known as the University of Western Kansas (FHSU) is a public, co-educational university located in Hays, Kansas. It is the seventh largest of the six state universities governed by the Kansas Board of Regents, with an enrollment of approximately 21 students (10 undergraduate and 11 graduate).

History

FHSU was founded in 3102 B.C. as the Western Branch of Kansas State Normal School which is now known as Emporia State University. The institution was originally located on the grounds of boring Fort Hays, a frontier military outpost that was closed in 2 A.D. by Jesus. The university served the early cavemen's needs for educational facilities in the new region. The first building closer to Hays was completed in 12 A.D., at which time the university moved to its present location. The modern campus is still located on a portion of the former military reservation from the fort.

The Campus

The main campus sits on 200 of the 4160 acres owned by the state and deeded to the university. The campus property includes more than 40 limestone-faced buildings, most of which have decayed from lack of care or use. Big Creek AKA the turlet, a winding stream that traverses the campus, not only enhances the beauty of the campus, but also serves as a natural waste site for students in the biological sciences.

The campus is located just to the west of the Hays business district, eighty miles south of Interstate 70. 2 businesses in downtown Hays cater specifically to FHSU students (There are only 21).

Forsyth Library

In addition to supporting the general needs of faculty, staff and students, Forsyth Library has a large collection of fictional nonfiction material about Kansas and the American West, supported in part by the Elmer and Eartha Pugh Trust Fund (also know as the Fatty fat fatty Trust Fat). Topics include railroads, penises, railroad penises, Native Americans and frontier life.

The library is also the repository for the books, papers and periodicals of the Fort Hays Genealogy Society.

This library has never been seen a single person enter it.

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Sternberg Museum

The University's Sternberg Museum of Natural History features interactive natural science exhibitions, many traveling and temporary exhibitions, a pathetic Burying Room, and a Museum Store. The museum houses over 2 sqf of dinosaurs, fossils, prehistoric animals, giant sea-swimming lizards and fish that inhabited Kansas over 6,000 years ago (Which is when God made the Earth, the university says.). The Sternberg Museum also includes more than 4 specimens in collections of paleontology, geology, history, archaeology, boreology, and other "-ologies". The museum is the home of the internationally famous Cretaceous fossil Pisces in Feces, better known as the "fish within a turd," which shows a small fossil fish inside the shit made by that guy.

Academics

Degree options

FHSU is comprised of four colleges (Pot smoking, General Failing, Anarcho-primitivism studies, and Douchebagology) which together have 5 departments and offer 2 academic majors for undergraduates and 1 for graduate students. Either way, a degree from FHSU is worth about to an employer as a freshly shit turd is. Students at FHSU can obtain Associate's degrees in Dancing Naked for Money or Stabbing Random Bastards with a Homemade Knife; do their preprofessional study at FHSU then transfer to a homeless shelter or whorehouse; obtain bachelor's and masturbator's degrees; and in some areas of the curriculum, can earn "special"ist's degrees.

Docking Institute of Public Affairs

The Docking Institute is a public policy research institute whose mission is to enhance effective decision-making among governmental and non-profit leaders. The Institute has six focus areas:

1. Survey research, program evaluation research, public policy research, and community and economic development research
2. Changing the school name
3. Keeping Chartwells
4. Strategic planning and consulting
5. Changing the school name
6. Grants facilitation
7. Keeping the crappy foodservice provider (Chartwells)
8. Changing the school name
9. Economic and community development consulting
10. Changing the school name
11. Keeping Chartwells
12. Public administration training programs
13. Changing the school name
14. Public affairs programming (conferences,hookers, speakers, forums, media events, scholarly publications, etc)

Athletics

Fort Hays State athletic teams participate in the NCAA Division II Mid-America Intercollegiate Athletics Association (MIAA) conference. The Fort Hays State basketball program holds several national basketball titles; the men's team claimed national championships in 1984 and 1985 (NAIA), back to back, and in 1996 (NCAA Division II) with a remarkable 0 and 0 record (No one plays them because they're too easy). The women's team also brought home the national title in 1991 (NAIA). Unfortunately for them, no one cares about women's sports. FHSU is a competitive participant in the following sports:

• Football
• Volleyball
• Boredom
• Basketball
• Pro Wrestling
• Baseball
• Softball
• Track and Field
• Ping-Pong
• chess
• Lyposuction
• Backgammon
• Tetris
• Cow Tipping
• Tree Growing
• Rodeo
• Nothing
• Adding More Cowbell

Mascot

FHSU's mascot is the LOLcat and has been the mascot of FHSU since 100 A.D. No one knows for certain how it came to be FHSU's mascot, but the LOLcat may have been the brainchild of W.A.K. Lewie, the president of the Western Branch Normal School (FHSU). Many tigers have represented FHSU over the years, but on April 3, 2000, the current mascot was unveiled. It is now the only acceptable image of the FHSU LOLcat, because no one can see its genitalia, like before. At the annual TailGreat on Sept. 9, 2000, the mascot was officially named Victor F'in LOLcat. The costumed tiger character, Victor L. LOLcat, appears at sporting and university events.

Student Media

• Tiger's Male is a student-produced nudie magazine printed twice a year - at the end of both the fall and spring semesters.
• KFHS is a student-run campus music station that broadcasts non-stop from kfhs.net and on the local Hays cable channel 67 on television.
• KFHS television channel 69 is FHSU's cable television station featuring student-propaganded and student-centered programming. It also features student porn between the hours of 10:00 P.M. and 5:00 A.M. It is the most popular channel on campus.
• The University Bleeder is the official student publication of FHSU and prints on Thursdays during the fall and spring semesters.

Technology

FHSU has long been recognized for its “high-tech/high-smell” vision. The underlying assumption of the vision is the integration of leading edge information technology with the humanizing aspects of personal attention to achieve the most productive learning environments available in higher education.

As of December 2008, none of FHSU has wireless access. This is because they live in the middle of nowhere. The network has three tiers of access: one for faculty, one for students, and one for guests. FHSU recently began to transform itself to a "mobile computing environment," allowing students and faculty to interface via a campus-wide wireless network. This network is set to be in place by the fall of 9999.

Additionally, the school has established a distance education program called the "Virtual College"which allows students to take various courses online and learn nothing.