Hay
Hay is a parasitic vegetable-like toxic organism used to induce back problems among rural-area dwellers. It is widely believed that hay is for horses. However, unlike its cousins broccoli, Brussels sprouts, and cabbage, short-sighted governments throughout the world have so far neglected to establish it as a dangerous human toxin. This is despite the existence of scientific evidence that exposure to hay will consume the human brain in order to gain control of the body, which it then uses for ruthless, diabolical purposes such as snowboarding or recording entries for the Eurovision Song Contest.
Luckily, rates of human consumption remain low, and the gajillions of humans who contract this affliction each year are usually among those who never contributed anything to society to begin with. Unfortunately, the bovine and equine communities have not been so lucky. In Great Britain alone, waves of hay-infection (also known as Mad Cow Disease) have swept over the countryside, leaving skadillions of angry cows in its wake. In 2004, levels of parasitic hay infection also reached epidemic proportions among human populations in France, though of course, nobody noticed, since most of the affected people were French.
History[edit | edit source]
Hay has a history as long and twisted as the substance it is derived from. the first recorded incidence of hay dates back to pre Egyptian times (2400BC) and was actually written on a cave wall. The symbols used although not of the cryllic type set were entirely understandable. They featured people running following a mammoth.
When first viewed in seems to show the people as hunters throwing spears at the mammoth. However more in depth analysis showed that the people and the mammoth were both running from the hay. Which in prehistoric times was a much more prolific hunter than even Chuck Norris.
As hay evolved into the greatest preditor on the planet it slowly became less active. Following strains of the terrifying organism became rooted and humans no longer fled from the scurge. instead they would offer newborns, and virgins to the vast fields of the carnivorous plant.
With the development of proper tools such as the scythe humanity began to farm hay as an active ingredient in many poisons and to be used as an effective hunting tool. Once properly processed they substance could be handled using leather gloves to prevent infection and was later developed into a building tool to be included in wattle and dawb structures.
Unfortunately for the inhabitants of these buildings the hay was only biding its time. In 1020 BC the great hay revolts began, thousands of unsuspecting dwellers mysteriously disappeared from their domiciles. After intense inspection it was discovered that the hay included in the wattle and dawb structures had turned blood red, as always happens once the hay was fed.
The war began and hay was hunted almost to extinction, until king Ramses made a truce with the voracious plant. Since then hay has remained inactive striking only when consumed by hapless individuals. It is believed by many that the apparently docile predator is only waiting for its time to rise again and once more strike fear into the hearts of the legion vast.
Distribution, Transmission, and Epidemiology[edit | edit source]
Hay breeds in the Great Outdoors. Though it can survive in greenhouses, as well as some dollhouses and a small number of peepshow booths, it prefers large, open, sunny fields, and normally feeds on animal manure while in the larval stage. Adult hay, however, cannot be satisfied by mere organic feces alone; the relatively small traces of neural tissue in cow and horse manure are usually insufficient to meet the parasite's need for consumable brain matter. From an ecological perspective, then, epidemiologists concur that the alarming increase in parasitic hay infestation can probably be traced to the point at which modern plumbing and sanitation in rural areas was widely adopted. Prior to this period, humans would usually defecate in open fields along with other animals, but since human feces are often completely indistinguishable from human brain matter, hay had little need to spread into animal populations.
Identification[edit | edit source]
Hay is rough, composed mostly of thin stalks, and usually has a brownish-green color, making it easily distinguishable from straw, which is has a golden-yellow color. The coloring should also make it fairly easy to distinguish from your penis, which (though also thin and stalky) bears a greenish-purple color and is usually covered with bright-red blotches. If you believe your penis to be a form of hay, you need help. The two are not even remotely comparable. Hay also has a slightly sweet scent about it, used for attracting prey; again, this is not penis-like in any sense.
In the ancient past, hay needed no disguise. It roamed the vast plains freely, in search of prey, feces, or both. In addition to the adoption of modern plumbing in rural areas, increased human development and overpopulation have probably contributed to increased hay outbreaks by forcing hay out of its natural environment. As a result, hay has sworn an eternal vendetta against mankind. Recognized the threat, humans began cutting the stalks of adult hay organisms so they could not infect humans, thus massively escalating the conflict. To survive the onslaught, hay developed a clever series of progressive defenses:
- 1: The Row: The first level of defense, in which adult hay lines up in long rivers, usually about 56 inches apart.
- 2: The Stack: Hay piles that come together for closer defense. This is also used to suffocate feisty prey animals.
- 3: The Bale: A tightly-compacted gathering of hay. The purpose is to become heavier, so that any farmer lifting it will injure his back and be unable to attack more hay.
- 4: The Ball: The most dangerous form of hay, hay balls are super-massive and indestructible except by fire or high explosives.
What You Can Do[edit | edit source]
Run. Hide. Hay is a relentless, unstoppable force, and it has no mercy. You can also masturbate, watch late-night television, and eat too much food, but you would probably do those things anyway.