Snowboard
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“Fucking copycat ass bitches... ”
“I don't get it?”
“Fuck Yeah! Now, excuse me while I go bang some hookers and score some blow”
A snowboard is either (A) a skateboard that is missing its wheels or (B) a severely overwaxed surfboard, which is mostly utilized by a bunch of hipsters who are high on weed and who apparently can only wear clothing 2 to 5 times bigger than their normal size. It was invented by Tim Burton (Canadian) after he decided that the spoiled, angsty children of rich, WASP skiers should have a way to make themselves feel rebellious. He turned immediately to the skateboard, which had this exact effect on the spoiled children of rich, WASP suburbanites in order to modify it for use in the snow.
Since the invention of "Snowboarding" the "Sport" has taken off in popularity. Many claim that this "popularity" is, in fact, a product of marketing. Sale of Mountain (Mtn) Dew (Dew) would plummet drastically if not for "Snowboarding" whores chugging it by the gallon during the winter months in North America. ("Skateboarding" and "Skateboarders" comprise most of the revenue generation for Mountain Dew during the summer months.)
Origin and History of Snowboarding[edit | edit source]
Snowboarding in the 1970's[edit | edit source]
During the drug fueled fun of the 1970's, Tim Burton (Canadian), in one of his drunken rages, became angry at the kids who were able to skateboard. Burton was never able to find a sport that was gothic enough for his tastes so he stole several hundred "Skateboards" from local children and set about figuring out how to modify them into a tool that could be used during the bleak, monochrome, winter of his soul.
Burton went to his garage and began to dismantle the skateboards that he had stolen. After going through 1,128 different prototypes he had a moment of inspiration and used a screwdriver to remove the wheels of the "Snowboard". Up until this moment Burton could not figure out how to make the wheeled board perform on snow. It was this moment that is considered pivotal in "Snowboard" development.
With his new invention ready he transported the new device to a ski resort via an underground network of exiled "Skateboarders". He tried it out and was immediately kicked off the mountain by the ski patrol. Having established that the snowboard could indeed make rich WASPs/n00bs feel that the man had gotten them down, Burton realized that he would be able to market his idea.
Snowboarding in the 1980's[edit | edit source]
Ten years later, Burton's idea was a success. The spoiled, angsty children of rich, WASP skiers of today genuinely believe that the man has got them down. They buy $300,000 snowboard suits to express this.
Snowboarding in the 1990's[edit | edit source]
A bunch of stuff happened in the 1990's, most of which I will write about later.
Snowboarding in the 2000's[edit | edit source]
A bunch of stuff happened in the 2000's, most of which I will write about later.
The language of snowboarding[edit | edit source]
The verb "Snowboarding" means "to descend a mountain on a snowboard" but is used by snowboarders as "ride". Hence, "Yo, dude, you wanna go ride today?" translates, in English, to "Hello, friend. Would you care to partake in some Snowboarding this afternoon?"
The "athlete" is changed to a "rider." There are no "Snowboarding" athletes, there are only "Riders". Top American etymologists are currently investigating this phenomenon. As expected, they have no clue.
Snowboarding in the Olympics[edit | edit source]
"Snowboarding", as discussed and historically chronicled above, is now an Olympic sport. The addition of "Snowboarding" really pissed off people who were used to really boring sports, like curling and figure skating. The demanded that viewership of the Olympics should not increase and that the more people who watched the Olympics, the more they would detract from the prestige of winning an obscure medal. But "Snowboarding" did finally make it into the Olympics; partly due to the fact that Mountain (Mtn) Dew (Dew) want to sponsor the Olympics.
1998 - Nagano[edit | edit source]
The first "Snowboard" event took place in Japan. The first Gold Medal given was awarded to Ross Rebagliati — who then had it stripped for using drugs (weed) but was given it back when it was decided that weed was not a "performance-enhancing" drug. I wish I made that last part up for humorous reasons but I swear it is true.
2002 - Salt Lake[edit | edit source]
The Mormans decided that they wanted to be included in the world of sports and hosted the Olympics in 2002.
2006 - Torino[edit | edit source]
In the 2006 Olympics, snowboarder ...shit... rider Lindsey Jacobellis was widely criticized for trying to pull a "method air" on the way to the finish line in the inaugural Olympic snowboard-cross. She fell and finished second, leading a bunch of American sportswriters to climax as they fantasized about writing their own reports on the subject. Jacobellis, for her part, said that the man had gotten her pants down, and hurried off for the shooting of her latest VISA commercial.
2010 - Vancouver[edit | edit source]
Canada, they hosted the Olympics too.