Nude figure-skating

Nude figure skating... so high...

This artful sport, invented around 1985 by Mr XYZ in what was to become Lusitania, is similar to traditional figure skating but crossed with stripping and blatant pornography. Since its conception it has faced much criticism from traditionalists among the figure skating community but its popularity has continued to grow among avid viewers of such tv channels as Men and Motors, XXX-Raw, and Late Night Pa.

History

Roots

The sport's history can trace its roots back to Grenoble, France. It was during the 1968 Winter Olympics that Wolfgang Danne, a young aspiring figure skater from Germany, found out that his current partner was an undercover Nazi who had secretly been trying to inflame racial tension in the Winter Olympics with the goal of launching a Third World War. She was promptly arrested leaving Wolfgang without any hope of entering into the competition. It was while drowning his sorrows in the local strip joints of Grenoble (of which there are many... seriously the place is like Amsterdam but without weed) that he discovered Margot Glockshuber. Her dancing inspired him, and later after the show he convinced her to join him in paired figure skating. Although Margot was not nearly as good on the ice as Wolfgang, she did make up for it with a killer hot body and a rack that any man would give his right testicle to play with for a couple of minutes. With only two days until the competition Wolfgang tried to teach her as many traditional moves as possible, but Margot was only able to pick up one or two. In the end they decided to draw most of their routine from Margot's strip act.

History in the Making

The show was a major success with the crowd. However the judges weren't so impressed due to Margot ending up stark bollock naked out on the ice. While the pair came close to being disqualified they managed to blame it on a wardrobe malfunction (in reality Margot had thought that it was supposed to be part of the act). In the end the pair even managed to pick up a bronze medal, losing out to the Russians which back then was to be expected as they doped up all their athletes and rigged every event in their favour. At the next winter Olympics all the athletes started claiming wardrobe malfunctions in a bid to be the country placed behind Russia. And thus began the infamous nerf bat spree of '72. By the time the organisers put away the nerf bat over half of the world's figure skaters had been disqualified or at the very least physically maimed. Many of these skaters would go on to form the International Association of Nude Figure Skaters.

International Association of Nude Figure Skaters

Although in the beginning the organisation was mainly filled up with the fallout of the nerf bat spree of '72, it went on to welcome into its ranks such diverse groups as porn stars seeking to break into mainstream, Oprah fans, confused Jews and even Black people. (the last was hotly contested by the American Government who were hoping to keep the sport "pure" as they called it).

Style

A Nude figure skater out practicing on the training rink

Nude Figure Skating revolves around the execution of several key stages during the performance.

Traditional

Many pairs carry out several of the more traditional moves, adding a technical element to the performance as well as emphasising the sport's roots in the more traditional figure skating arena.

Stripping

It is generally accepted that over the course of the routine the skaters should divest themselves of all clothes and hence completely naked (shameless) (hence nude figure skating).

Shagging

In order to bring the act to a suitable climax, many athletes will end their performance with a literal climax spraying their sex juices everywhere. Some of the skaters involved have been known to slip and fall due to the "juices" getting in between their skates and skin. It acts as a lubricant in this situation, and it is common knowledge in the nude skating world that your skates must be a tight fit. This is to prevent you from "limping."

Limping

Limping is when you do not have your skates on tight enough and your ankles are not stiff, they are therefore "limp." Skating limp is looked down upon in the society of Nude Figure Skating. It is increasingly difficult to skate limp. In fact, odds are you will fall after attempting any of the more daring tricks, such as the "Quad" or "Triple Axle."

Recent Times

Most notable among the nude figure skaters is Ursula Von Butthhamer, who furthered the sport by actually performing it in the nude, and becoming the first ever-nude nude figure skater. She was often considered somewhat of a whore. On many occasions she actually had a partner skate that involved sexual positons of high-speed fellatio and intercourse. Her tragic death at the hands of hypothermia only increased curiosity about her swan song, which portrayed the cover of the famous Beatles' album, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, minus all the pesky marching band uniforms. It's not so bad till you fall, then you got one of those tongue on the flagpole situations.

The International Association of Nude Figure Skaters (IANFS), along with famous members like Ming Kung Chen, Joerg Haider, and Ryan Starr, are seeking to bring Nude Figure Skating to the Olympic arenas.