Facehugger
Facehuggers are a subset of alien Xenomorphs born out of the womb of the spider queen Mark Zuckerberg and sired by the collective confusion of the old people on Facebook. They reproduce via a strange penis that they shove down your throat. It is interesting to note that there are no facehuggers currently in the real estate industry.
“It appears to be some sort of spider like alien life form!”
“Is that you Ted?” -Spider-Man
Reproduction[edit | edit source]
Due to the many stereotypes surrounding facehuggers, almost all films they appear in portray them as crazy rapists who want nothing more than to make you breath the air of their dick. This portrayal is entirely correct. If you see a facehugger, likely on the street as many cannot afford housing, cover your mouth and tighten your esophagus. Despite the US government’s insistence that it was your fault for being facehugged, many people are forced to carry the chestburster for the facehugger while it overdoses on methamphetamine in the back alley of a your local Denny’s.
Alien 3[edit | edit source]
This movie that Redditors seem to praise so much is a crime against humanity a classic because the first scene is one where a facehugger attempts to brutally molest Sigourney Weaver and a twelve year old. While the facehugger and the twelve year old die in the ensuing plot convenience crash, Sigourney Weaver survives and has to deal with human rapists for the rest of the movie. The facehugger also fucked the dog. THE DAMN DOG!!!!
The Real Estate Industry[edit | edit source]
While we all know how bad the real estate industry has been recently, this recession has also caused a drop in jobs for these estranged creatures. As a result, there are hardly any in most facets of employment and even fewer in the collapsing housing market. Also, it is pretty hard to sell a house if you inappropriately touch all your potential buyers. Other various jobs that facehuggers don’t have are:
Places you can find them[edit | edit source]
Xenomorph hives are the place many facehuggers are born. However, they can also be found in many political positions and theme park parking lots. There use to be a large population in Area 51, but the raid left many jobless and homeless.
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Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Facehugger anatomy is strange. Similar to mayflies, facehuggers don’t have mouths. This gives them an incentive to have as many partners as possible. However, while mayflies ask politely and are graceful in their performance, facehuggers are little bastards that don’t care if you asked and put their entire life force into one try. They also have acid blood, making it impossible to get one off once they choose their target. They also use their tail to strangle victims. While some people would think this is a mechanism to stay on their host until they finish, some new theories suggest that they do this because they are too kinky for anyone’s good. They also have the aforementioned turbodick, which they use to impregnate people through the mouth. This also means that they can get men pregnant. NO ONE IS SAFE!!!!